A few days ago when I logged into my Facebook account, I saw a status from a guy that I knew in college. It said something along the lines of, “I was unsure if I should share this information or not, but in the event that anyone has been wondering where I’ve been the last seven days, I’ve been in prison, and it was the most humbling experience of my life.”
WELL, A HEARTY WELCOME BACK TO THE FREE WORLD TO YOU, SIR.
Apparently if you spend several years ignoring numerous parking tickets and a noise violation, the long arm of the law will reach out and incarcerate you.
Note to self: Look into that old noise violation.
Oh, I kid. I never got a noise violation in college myself, but I did spend sophomore year living in an apartment complex across the street from a pizza shop that sold $1.00 slices and banged a gong for every slice sold after midnight.
I know what you’re thinking.
That is some SOLID GOLD real estate.
That was also the same apartment that had Murphy beds and if I’m being honest, I do miss saying, “well, I guess it’s time to go pull my tiny bed out of the wall.”
So while I haven’t exactly spent the last seven days in incarceration like Mr. Noise Violator, I have spent them on the phone with my doctor’s office and a medical device company and earlier this afternoon STEAM ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF MY EARS. After being transferred from one person to another and sitting on hold for the better part of an hour, the woman who was helping me said, “Let me transfer you to customer service and they can take it from here.”
As soon as I was transferred I launched into my well rehearsed “Hi, this is Laura and INSERT MEDICAL SAGA HERE,” and the woman on the other line said, “I’m so sorry but I think you have the wrong number, this a commercial trucking company.”
WELL OF COURSE IT IS.
After I was sufficiently frustrated, Matt and I went out to dinner. I chose Friendly’s because my culinary palate is very sophisticated. As we were standing in line at the hostess station, Matt gave the ice cream freezer the once over and then with a sparkle in his eye said, “Do you want to just skip the dinner part, and instead buy an ice cream cake and go back to your apartment and eat the whole thing?”
I’ve never loved him more.
But I had a hankering for a munchie mania platter and so we soldiered on in the name of build your own burgers and mozzarella sticks.
On the way home we drove by Petsmart and in a fit of spontanaeity decided to stop in. We just wanted to look at the animals but before we went in we agreed that we are NOT currently in the market for any sort of pet. We browsed the fish aisle for a few minutes and then I wandered over to the rodent department. I was examining a chinchilla when I looked up to see Matt a few aisles over, ARMS OVERFLOWING with a glass tank and various supplies and equipment.
“Whatcha got going on down there?” I asked.
“Oh,” Matt said thoughtfully, “Well...I thought I might get a lizard.”
I will spare you the cliff hanger and tell you that we left the store lizard-less mainly because GROSS. Although I am not above the impulse pet purchase, as in, during my senior year of college I bought a guinea pig and named her Winnie.
OH I WAS SO CLEVER.
Winnie lasted about a week in our apartment before my roommates and I cut some airholes in a shoebox, packed Winnie inside, called a cab to take us to Petco, and returned Winnie to the establishment from whence she came.
Because a guinea pig at any price isn't a bargain.
Do you know what is a bargain? The 2 for $22 candles at Bath and Body Works. Last night Michelle and I went to the mall and stocked up on some Christmas scents, and then celebrated our purchases with dinner at Plaza Azteca because Feliz Navidad!
Which is a lot better than smelling like a lizard.
Or a guinea pig.
Or, I'd imagine, a jail.