Sunday, November 2, 2014

to be fair, i've made an appointment for just about everything else

Something came over me the other night, and I slid the coffee table out of the living room, pulled on my yoga pants (which had previously only been used for lounging and the occasional trip to Target), and fired up a yoga video.

Specifically, I followed the instruction of Jillian Michaels, my nemesis ever since I unsuccessfully attempted to complete the 30 Day Shred several years ago.  And the other night, after about seven minutes of stretching and “melting my chest to the sky” and struggling through the cobra position, Jillian said, “Okay, now that we’re all warmed up, let’s start the workout?”

START the workout?



I made it through (most of) the workout, and then I collapsed into my bed and did not move for ten hours.  When I woke up the next morning, I walked about three steps to the shower before I realized that every muscle in my body was screaming in pain.  I couldn't lift my hand up to turn on the light switch, and instead just kind of leaned against the wall and then stood on my tiptoes so that my shoulder slid the switch up.

Basically, I invented a new yoga move.

Unfortunately, that same maneuver does not work for turning the switch off. 

Which is why the light stayed on for three days.

Due to the aforementioned severe pain, I could barely shampoo my hair in the shower, and I didn't even bother attempting to blow dry it when I got out. 

I’d given up.

My doctor told me that yoga would help me with my balance, but if I was going to put myself through such an ordeal on a regular basis I was hopeful for some more health benefits, so I decided to do some yoga research.

My searching took me to WebMD, a site where I spend a lot of time because I have been known to overreact in the face of a mysterious symptom, or really, any sort of minor discomfort.  In fact, when Michelle and I lived together we were constantly diagnosing ourselves with all sorts of outlandish conditions thanks to our active imaginations and WebMD’s handy symptom checker, and then we’d text her sister, a nurse practitioner to tell her the scoop and see if we should make a doctor’s appointment POST HASTE. 

And ten times out of ten she’d say, “You sound fine.  It’ll go away.”

A few months ago I was telling Matt about a strange problem I’d noticed (my hand was tingly/my leg felt tired/my head felt weird/I found a scratch of unknown origin/my hair wasn’t growing as fast as usual/pick your poison).

As I was telling Matt about the symptom du jour I kept saying, “What do you think it is?  What do you think? I really want to know what you think.”

And he looked at me and said, “I think you’re going to be at the doctor for this by the end of the week, that’s what I think.”

Hey, my peace of mind is well worth a copay.

Anywho, I read all sorts of articles about yoga, and one article led me to the pilates page.  From there I clicked over to read about the benefits of cardio and then made a total 180 and ended up learning about the pros and cons of Crossfit.  Just reading the article stressed me out and as I was about to search for "ways to relax"  this popped up.

Okay, WebMD, I get it.  I will stick to one type of exercise.

And perhaps switch my loyalty to


Jen said...

Oh good ole webmd.

Brittany said...

WebMD is the source of most of my stress. My dad made me promise to never go on that site again. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac to say the least. Also, excellent move turning on the light switch with your shoulder. Creativity abounds with you!

Robin said...

I almost spit out my coffee at the Schizophrenia part! Sorry. LOL.

Rebecca Jo Vincent said...

haha! That's so funny it gave you that question... It asked me the other day if I was going for knee issues - which I am... & I was like, How did they know that?!?!?!?!
Add on paranoia on that now.

Sarah Smith said...

Yoga is no joke!!

Rachel said...

Oh man, that cracked me up! I can't stand googling symptoms. I just ask Angel for the short version of whatever I might need to know about symptoms/meds, anything of that sort. He knows not to say anything that will freak me out too much.

Martha Woods said...

Oh, that's hilarious! WebMD sounds like it's getting a little sassy.

I LOVE doing yoga--it's done wonders for my back pain over the years, when nothing else has remotely helped. But I think JM is a little too hardcore for me. I prefer a light ashtanga flow (you can YouTube it). I suppose I should motivate myself to do her workouts and get all ripped and such, but you're right--just the warmups are scary!

Michelle said...

I am still not fully convinced that I don't have angina.

Baby Sister said...

I tried yoga, but I've never been able to get into it. It became my new best friend when I was really sick a couple of months ago and it was dangerous. A lot of stress was felt. And anxiety.

blm said...

I am totally the same. My husband has banned me from WebMD, haha.