Wednesday, April 30, 2014

i wonder if i could get the benefits of AARP

I wake up at 6:45 every morning.  

Well, that's not completely true.  Matt leaves by 6:20, and when he leaves he kisses me and says "Bye, sugar snap/buttercup/pecan sandy/starlight," or any other of an assortment of names.  It's different one every day.  I always make sure I'm awake when he leaves so that I can hear the name of the morning because ADORABLE, but the second the front door closes, I go back to sleep.

I wake up 25 minutes later and rush around for the next 35 to 40 minutes.  I shower and do my hair and pick out my outfit and my jewelry and iron and pack my lunch.

This week I decided that a lot of those things could, and should, be done the night before.  So all week I've been packing my lunch, picking out my outfit and jewelry, and ironing at night.  And I've noticed that mornings are a lot less hectic and I have more time to spend on my makeup and my hair.  Which means that I've been wearing lip gloss and mascara and my hair is actually completely dry and styled when I leave for work each morning instead of slightly damp and pulled back in a clip.

And I'll be honest.  I've left each morning thinking about how much better I looked.  I even sent Matt a text on my way out the door on Monday telling him how lucky he is to be married to someone so good looking.

What can I say? I'm humble.

Today I had a jackpot outfit picked and some great hair going on.  I had to be in court for a hearing first thing for work, and our case was being heard in front a judge I hadn't met before.  After the hearing ended, he called me up to the bench to talk to him. 

"Good morning, Your Honor," I said very respectfully, trying to get on the judge's good side.

It was all for nothing though because he then he proceeded to tell me that I am the spitting image of Allyson Schwartz.

That name might not mean anything to you, but she is running for governor of our state.


I about HIT. THE. FLOOR.

Maybe my new strategy isn't working as well as I thought.

Tomorrow it's back to damp hair and a last minute outfit because I can no longer spend the time at night ironing and preparing my clothes.  

I will be too busy applying anti-aging cream.


Monday, April 28, 2014

have a salad, but please don't wash your plate until the laundry is finished

I am sitting next to Matt on the couch, and he just looked over at me and said, very solemnly, "You know, if the corn crop goes under one of these years, we are going to be in deep trouble."


Now that may not be an unusual statement to make if we were watching a show about corn, or if one or both of us is involved in the farming industry, but we're watching baseball and neither of our jobs have anything to do with agriculture.  And in my twenty five years on this earth, I've spent exactly zero minutes thinking about the corn crop and the potentially catastrophic events that could ensue if it ever goes south.

Evidently that only makes one of us.

Matt and I didn't live together until we got married less than two months ago, which means that we are learning new things about each other every day.  Exhibit A: Matt's feelings on the corn crop. 

I have also learned that living with Matt means that I will never have to worry about things like being unprepared when the power goes out (which happens a lot here) because he has a few flashlights placed strategically around the condo, and the really impressive thing is that there are batteries inside those flashlights, AND they actually WORK.

I am more the type of person to decide one day on a whim that I should have a flashlight for possible power outage purposes, go to the store and buy a very adorable one, assume that there are working batteries included, come home and place that adorable flashlight in an important, unforgettable hiding spot, and then completely forget where that unforgettable hiding spot is when the power actually does goes out.

Not Matt.  He is (thankfully) a man who is prepared.

He is also a man who cannot resist a grocery store sale and for that reason, we will never run out of condiments or granola bars, and we laugh in the face of low potassium levels.


I am not without my own quirks.  Just this weekend I spent a solid half hour explaining to Matt why I don't like to to conduct two water-centric events simultaneously.  For example, taking a shower while the dishwasher is running, or doing a load of laundry while someone is hand washing dishes.  And that is because, naturally, I don't want one appliance to get better water than the other.

Because that makes sense.

I think I've spent too much time thinking about it.  I should probably focus my thoughts on something that could have a more devastating impact.

Like a less than stellar corn crop.

Or running out of salad dressing.


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

it will bee a while before i can relax

Well, Matt and I have been married for six whole weeks now, so we decided it was high time that we add a pet to the mix.

And so, we got a little turtle.  This is a picture of him last night as he got acquainted with the apartment.

Oh, I kid.  I will never share a home with a member of the reptile family, which is something I made clear to Matt before the wedding day since he grew up with two lizards names Ozzie and Harriet, and a snake that "got loose" in his house and was NEVER FOUND.

History, lest ye not repeat yourself.

Last night I was changing from my work clothes into my leisure outfit, because a girl's gotta be comfy at all times, when Matt yelled from the dining room, "URGENT, URGENT.  I NEED A SHOE IMMEDIATELY."  I grabbed the closest shoe I could find, a very delicate ballet flat.  However, when I arrived in the dining room and saw the creature we were up against, I quickly surmised that my ballet flat was no match.

I switched the flat out for one of Matt's sneakers while Matt inspected the intruding creature a little more closely. 

It was a bee.

A killer bee.

Since Matt didn't want it to fly away when he came at it with his shoe, I grabbed a giant can of hairspray so that he could disable it before the sneak-er attack.  I provided Matt with the shoe and the hairspray and then I ran into the bathroom and locked the door because I think when we said those wedding vows six whole weeks ago there was a line in there about the husband killing the bugs.

Well, I heard Matt douse that bee with more hairspray than I wore to my junior prom, and then he stomped it, and vacuumed it up.

And it kept buzzing.

And buzzing.

And it was still alive when Matt took the vacuum canister out to the dumpster an hour later, with dust glued to its entire body, courtesy of the liberal hairspray application.

The downside to this whole episode is that now we have a quarter can of VO5 extra hold hairspray on our floor. 

The upside is that we still have a place to live, because if it had been up to me to deal with this situation alone, I would have packed my bags and moved out, naturally.

So now I'm just holding my breath that we don't have another intruder.

At this point, I think I'd prefer a pet lizard.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

we have the "old" part mastered, when does "wise" come?

Late Sunday morning Matt and I made a trip to Lowe's so he could buy some lumber.  He had big plans to spend the afternoon making a picnic table and I have to admit, I admire someone with that kind of ambition for a Sunday afternoon.  My goals for the day included painting my nails and taking a nap.  

Well, we were standing in the middle of the lumber department when I felt my throat start to close.

I sat in the car while Matt loaded the lumber and wished away my swollen glands.  While Matt has big dreams of owning an F-350, he currently owns a smallish sedan that is very practical, but not made for hauling lumber.  So once he finally got everything loaded in, we had to drive home with the trunk open and a giant orange flag blowing in the wind and alerting other drivers to the contents of our trunk.  

It was very sleek.

We made it home safely, and I laid down on the couch where I spent the next eight hours falling in and out of sleep and hoping that my family writes a good obituary because surely, this was the end.

Meanwhile, Matt spent his afternoon on the patio and check out the results.

Now that is impressive.

Long story short, I went to the doctor on Monday and next year, I will be getting a flu shot.  Matt had a dentist appointment Monday night, and when he came home his mouth was so sore that he couldn't chew.  Combine that with my sore throat and inability to swallow, we were looking at a dinner consisting solely of liquids.

Also known as, suppertime at the nursing home.

At least we have a nice table where we can sit together to sip our broth.


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

business as usual

The weekend after Matt and I returned from our honeymoon, I was stricken with sickness in the form of a cough and congestion.  Initially I thought it was simply a cold, but when I was still feeling lousy two weeks later and waking up several times each night coughing, I suspected it was something more serious. 

Memories of happier times...

But did the persistent symptoms and sleepless nights cause me to call the doctor?  Of course not.  I didn't make that call until I had a coughing fit in Target that was so bad I had to leave.  Apparently I can put up with sleepless nights, but clearly being interrupted while shopping that is a situation that requires some sort of urgent remedy via a medical professional.

I left work early the very next afternoon to head to the doctor.  In the exam room I highlighted the coughing spells and made sure to add some extra drama, and even told the doctor that due to a neighbor's faulty home alarm system we were sleeping with two very loud fans in our bedroom, and my coughing still woke both me and Matt.

She asked me if I ever gasped for air during the coughing and while technically I hadn't, I hesitated with my answer just long enough to put some reasonable doubt in her mind.

The doctor checked me out and then diagnosed me with a sinus infection.  She wrote a prescription for the sinus infection but not the cough, so I asked her if she had an over the counter alternative she'd recommend. 

"Well," she said, "honey sure works great."

Doc, I haven't slept a solid night in two weeks between my neighbor's faulty alarm system and my moderate to severe cough.  I am looking for a prescription for Robitussin with codeine and authorization for a refill or five.

Apparently my cough wasn't bad enough to warrant a prescription, but I hightailed it to CVS to pick up my other prescription and a large bottle of honey - NATURE'S COUGH SUPPRESSANT.

In the interest of full disclosure, I also picked up two Reese's Easter eggs on my way to the pharmacy counter to get my medicine, which turned out to be in the form of a NASAL SPRAY.


Matt called as I was walking to my car, and the timing of his call was perfect because I was able to share with him the wonderful news that his new bride would be self-administering a nasal spray every hours hours around the clock for the foreseeable future.

I've never been so attractive.

It turns out that I wasn't the only one having a bad day.  Matt was calling to see if I could "come save him at Acme," where he'd unfortunately found himself at the end of the checkout line with a basket full of food and no wallet. 

Last week was not our week.

I'm happy to report things are going much better this week.  

Although, there was really nowhere to go but up.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

the first half of his name was right

My sister was in a school play called "Smile" this weekend.  My parents put an ad in the program from them, my brother Philip and his fiance Alex, and me and Matt.  

Except the program typist typed "Mary" instead of "Matt."

Welcome to the family.


Thursday, April 3, 2014

i really do love where we're living

Matt and I are currently renting a condo while we save for a house and get adjusted to the whole BEING MARRIED thing.  The condo is on the small side but it's nice, and we can look out our windows and see beautiful, old, tall trees and a lake, and every night we walk six minutes to the woods where we hike on a trail along the creek and that is what I imagine heaven is like.  However, it turns out that the actual CONDO LIVING thing is requiring far more of an adjustment than we anticipated.

One thing we are learning is that the electricity goes out here on a regular basis.  And by regular, I mean a few times a week around 10:30 or 11 at night.  It's never off for too long, but always long enough to reset the clocks on the microwave and oven.  It went off this past Monday, and when everything kicked back on and reset, so did our neighbor's home alarm system.  Evidently those neighbors were on vacation because the alarm went off at any time that ended in 3 or 8 straight through until yesterday.

The alarm wasn't a problem when we were home during the evening, because we were busy and talking and hardly noticed it.  However, it was so loud when we were trying to fall asleep that Matt wanted to call the police the other night.  After some discussion we decided that a call to local law enforcement was too drastic a measure, so we resorted to sleeping with two fans on full blast all night to drown out the alarm system. 

The alarm situation came to a glorious end last night.  Matt went to bed early because HELLO, PEACEFUL, UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP, but I stayed up to watch some Fox News and paint my nails a lovely shade of Lacey Lilac.  And that's when the channel on the tv changed from Fox News to The Big Bang Theory. 

With the remote control on the coffee table. 

I picked the remote up, and changed it back to my show. 

And then the tv changed back to The Big Bang Theory.

And what ensued what a television battle with an unidentified neighbor who was intent on watching some Big Bang Theory.

Evidently someone in our complex has a remote control that controls our television.  And we control theirs.

Which is terribly convenient.

Here's the thing.  In order to make a cell phone call from our condo, you practically have to wait until the third Tuesday of the month and then hang your head out the window and stand on one foot and turn around three times while crossing your fingers. 

We have TERRIBLE cell phone service due to what is apparently a roof and walls made of concrete.  Yet our tv remote control powers right through that concrete and puts a major kink in the Wednesday evening television plans.

The silver lining is that these tv channel battles won't go on forever. 

Sooner or later the electricity is bound to go off.