the road to penn state was apparently paved with nails

Emily moved right from Penn State to northern Minnesota to work with Americorps the day after her graduation from Penn State in May.  She didn't know where she would be living, so she could only take what fit in the back of her tiny SUV.  There were still some things in her apartment, so I offered to take a vacation day and go back with my mom to bring home the rest of her things.  Today was that day. 

PSU is about a three and a half hour drive away, so my mom picked me (and Flat Emily) up around 8:00, and by 8:07 I was ranking my favorite over the counter pain relievers.  With a kickoff conversation like that, it's a wonder she didn't turn back around and drop me off. 

(In case you're curious and WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE, Aleve is my favorite.)

(FollowedbyMotrinTylenolAdvil I'm sorry I had to share.)

Anyway, the drive to Penn State was pretty smooth.  We covered all of the usual conversation ground - national news, local news, work, family, beauty products, dinner ideas, Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton's wardrobes, and celebrities that are bugging us right now. 

We got to Em's apartment, carried the boxes downstairs, loaded up the car, and gave her room and bathroom one final cleaning all in about an hour and a half.

Once we finished carrying all the boxes down we took a little break and mom said, "It's really not as much stuff as I expected.  This isn't bad at all.  It's a good thing Dad didn't take a day off for this."

As a person who DID take a day off for this, I was highly offended.

Just kidding I thought it was hilarious.

We loaded the car, returned her keys to the rental office, and headed onto campus to get a well-deserved lunch at the famous creamery.  We had to go around the block twice to find the entrance to the parking garage and then tried to go in the wrong door to the creamery building, but we told ourselves that Penn State gave us both college degrees so we should be able to figure out how to get an ice cream cone. 

We got inside, ate absolutely delicious sandwiches outside under shady trees and I could have stayed there all day.  But the road was calling, so we got three half-gallons of ice cream and a summer sausage in a bag with dry ice for home, two vanilla milkshakes for the road, and set off.

Mom drove up in the morning, so I was driving home.  My phone was almost dead so my mom offered to get my charger out of my purse.  She was finally able to unearth it from beneath the lip gloss collection that I carry around with me.

She counted ten glosses. 

I know ten is a lot, but it's not like lip gloss is an outlandish item to have in a purse.  My mom decided to count how many glosses she had in her's, and she had a perfectly reasonable one.

But do you know what else she had? TWO SETS OF CHOPSTICKS.

I joked that between my lip gloss and her chopsticks, we were basically ready for anything.

And then the low tire pressure light went on.

"Uh-oh, the tire pressure light is on.  Do you think I should pull over?" I said.

"No, I don't think so," Mom said.  "I think you're fine to just keep going."

Because I wasn't quite so sure about that, I decided to pull into the right lane while mom called dad.  He didn't answer (forgot he was getting his hair cut), so she called my brother.  She gave him the five second run down and he said, "Are you close to an exit?" 

"Yes," she said.

"Okay.  Get off at the exit. Drive carefully and slowly to the nearest gas station."

I don't know that I've ever heard my brother use a more serious voice.  I half-expected him to say PLEASE REMAIN CALM. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

But he didn't.  He calmly advised us to check for a nail and wouldn't you know, there was a nail.  He asked if we could put the spare donut on and after we stopped laughing we told him no, and even if we did, it was buried under all of Emily's earthly possessions in the back.  Mom said she'd sell the car and buy a new one to drive home before she'd unpack the trunk and change a tire.

I am my mother's daughter.

Luckily, there was an auto shop half a mile away, so I SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY drove down the road and my mom went into the office hoping for pity and kindness and a mechanic willing to fix a tire exactly 26 minutes before closing time on the Friday of a holiday weekend.

Luckily they could change the tire and we went into the waiting room to sit while they worked on it.  About the time we sat down, a very sweaty mechanic came in from the garage, walked right up to the small fan on the shelf behind the counter, lifted his whole shirt right up, and just stood there with the fan blowing on his stomach.

"Ya hot, Steve?" his coworker asked.

"Yeah man, I'm overheating," he said.

As Steve was cooling down, the manager, John, picked up the phone, and, I kid you not, told the person on the other end, "Ohhhh boy.  Oh yeah, you're going to need to eat lots and lots of fiber.  That'll really loosen things up and get 'em going."

He changes tires and gives medical advice of the gastrointestinal variety.  A regular renaissance man.

After his phone call he struck up a conversation with us, which quickly went from the obvious flat tires to him quizzing us on the lyrics of "The Wheels on the Bus.

I will tell you right now, if you had asked me this morning the craziest thing I could imagine happening today, in no universe would I have said sitting in an auto shop waiting room in central Pennsylvania being quizzed on the lyrics of The Wheels on the Bus by the head mechanic.

But John had the song lyrics printed out, because he only knows two verses and wants to learn more, so he quizzed us what sounds each thing made.

The doors? Open and shut.

The wipers? Swish, swish, swish.

The babies? Wah wah wah.

The horn?  Beep beep beep.

The money? Clink clink clink.

The mother and daughter waiting in the auto shop waiting room?  GET US HOME.

All joking aside he was a very nice man and his shop sure did save the day.  We promised John we would learn how to change a tire, got back on the road, stopped for coffee and gas, got BACK on the road and made it home almost 12 hours after we'd left. 

We could have been halfway to Minnesota.

I had a little headache by the time we pulled into my driveway.  Pajamas, some grilled chicken, and a bowl of Penn State ice cream for dessert was just what the doctor ordered.

And maybe an Aleve.

well, i officially have too much to say

Last spring Matt got a new job, with an office on the 55th floor of the tallest building in Philadelphia, the Comcast Center.  The building houses the company headquarters and some stunning views.  There are 56 floors, so except for a few people on that top floor, Matt's office is one of the highest in the city.  All year he's been bragging about the view and fancy building, so since I had the day off last Friday he invited me to meet him downtown for lunch.

I dubbed it the first annual Take Your Wife to Work Day.  When I told Matt that I'd given the day an official name, he said, "Okay, but just don't cause a ruckus."

Of course.  Because I'm some sort of serial ruckus-causer.

I didn't want to be late so I decided to take a 10:43 train into the city.  And I arrived at the station at 10:00.  That was a very long time to wait in the rain so I went to the Starbucks next door to get an iced coffee for my big day.

The ride into the city was uneventful.  Matt's building is directly above the train station, and there is a staircase that takes you straight up to his lobby so you don't have to go outside.  Of course, I couldn't figure that out, so I walked OUTSIDE, around the block, and eventually had to open Google maps.  To find the tallest building in the city.  I somehow went from being directly below it, to a quarter of a mile away.

I am a suburban girl through and through.

When I made my way to the front desk to check in, I laughed to myself because even though I was so confident I would be on that guest list, I still felt a teeny tiny bit nervous.  It's like the 30 year old version of waiting at the door of a frat party. 

Security took my photo and gave me a badge and guided me to the designated elevator bank.  

Floors 51-56 are the "executive levels" so I was directed to the reception area on the 51st floor.  I hopped in the elevator, which had a TELEVISION IN IT.

My ears popped somewhere around the 43rd floor due to the sudden change in altitude.

I got out of the elevator and am not even kidding you when I say that my jaw dropped.  It was BEAUTIFUL.  Floor to ceiling windows.  I could see a meeting going on in a conference room that was legitimately all glass.  It was like they were meeting in the sky.  I would not be able to concentrate for one second in that setting.  

There were also GLASS STAIRCASES connecting the four floors on the executive levels.

The receptionist called Matt and while I waited I sat down on the beautiful leather furniture and tried to forget that I work in an office with roaches and ancient purple carpet and a metal desk from the 1980s.

Matt took me up to his floor and I got to see his coworkers.  We had met once before, but it was at a Halloween party and I had been dressed like Wilma Flintstone so I'm glad they got to see me in more normal attire.  And then we took a walk around all four corners of his floor so I could get the full 360 view.  It was really incredible.  It was a cloudy day so I can only imagine how pretty it looks with a blue sky.







At this particular window, I took a good hard look at the river.  I tried to orient myself, thought about what I know of the geography of the city, and then said to Matt, "So, our house is that way, right?" as I pointed over to the right.

"No," he said, "We live that way," and turned around and pointed in the COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

My navigational skills don't improve with high altitude.



There is a cafe on the 43rd and 44th floors, but it was very crowded at noon because it was half price salad Friday and apparently Matt's has healthy coworkers who love their greens.  So, we took a little walk down to Love Park.



Here is Love Park from Matt's window.  It's that tiny gray concrete oval with the grass on the bottom left.




And here's his window from Love Park.



We went back up to the cafe which was SO FANCY and the food was delicious and it made me super sad that the cafeteria at my office closed a few years ago.  Although it was only one floor and it was located right next to the county morgue.



That's not a joke.

You could grab a slice of pizza and then swing by to see the coroner.

Matt had to finish up a little work so I hung out in the cafe for a bit wondering how much Windex is used in that office each day.  Everywhere you turned was either glass or mirror and there was not a fingerprint to be found.

Meanwhile back at the homestead, I can barely keep up with our three bathroom mirrors.

Here is Matt conducting very official business.  Or checking the weather or his fantasy baseball scores.  IT WAS FRIDAY CAN YOU BLAME HIM?

There is more to this story, but this post has already become obnoxiously long.  So, I am going to do something UNPRECEDENTED and say stay tuned for part 2.  

I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seat.

Which I hope is a nice, comfortable seat, as opposed to a desk chair that's from the Eisenhower administration, with only one arm and a backrest that is unfortunately stuck in the extreme recline position due to an irreparably broken lever.

Not that I'd know what that's like or anything.

an underwhelming mid-week post

Well, I can't tell you how badly I wish I had a funny story to share tonight, but nothing too noteworthy or hilarious has happened in my life lately.  I spent last week at a work conference.  The hotel was in the same building as the convention center, and there were several restaurants inside, so aside from a few walks for fresh air, I literally spent five straight days in the same building. 

It was a great conference, but I was thrilled to get home.  There really is no place like it, as they say.

So, I don't have a funny story to share tonight, but I've seen people share lists of things making them happy so I figured I'd hop aboard that bandwagon because what's better than happiness and a list?

Not much. 

1 - Our back patio - It's currently my favorite "room" in the house.  I drink my coffee out there in the morning and we sit out back after dinner, reading and listening to music or baseball on the radio.  Matt takes great pride in the landscaping and lawn care department and I have to say he's done a great job. If you're looking for me, I'm probably in this chair.

2 - Father's Day dinner - We hosted a Father's Day barbecue for our families and it was the most people we've ever hosted, and the first big event with our new kitchen.  I already know a few things I would do differently in the future, but I think it was a success!

3 - Take Your Wife to Work Day - This Friday is Take Your Wife to Work Day.  If you haven't heard of it yet, it's because it was just invented this week.  By me.  I mentioned to Matt that I have off on Friday and he said, "You should come to my office for lunch!"  Obviously I accepted that invitation immediately.  Rest assured, I shall report back on how it goes.

4 - Watermelon - Is it possible to eat too much watermelon?  Asking for a friend.

5 - The library - Our library includes a blurb at the bottom of the checkout receipt to tell you how much money you've saved by using the library.  Of course, by the time I subtract my late fines, the amount goes down a bit.  But it still makes me feel fiscally responsible.


6 - New makeup - Sarah recommended Essence brand mascara.  I'm always on the quest to help out my pathetic eyelashes, and I loved this stuff.  This weekend I went to Ulta and got a bunch of other products, all of which are fantastic.  Plus, they're easy on the wallet.

I was going to write a list of 10 things, but I'm going to quit here because I need to go to bed.  Tomorrow is Take Myself to Work Day and while it's not as exciting as Friday will be, I still want to be bright eyed and bushy tailed.

What's making you happy this week?

what do kenny chesney and bemidji, minnesota have in common?

Back in the fall, I heard that my old friend Kenny Chesney would be coming back to town this summer for another stadium tour.  And then when I heard he would be joined by my new friends Old Dominion and Thomas Rhett, it took me half a second to text my sister and mom to see if they wanted to go and OF COURSE THEY DID. 

And then Emily decided to join Americorps and move to the (not so) bustling metropolis of Bemidji, Minnesota.  That's what you get for planning things months in advance.  

Anyway, the Trip Around the Sun Tour rolled into Philadelphia this past Saturday.  The concert was at the football stadium, Lincoln Financial Field, or as the locals call it, The Linc, and why do I suddenly feel like I am writing a report for school?

Between tailgating for the concert, and the Phillies game going on in the ballpark next to the stadium, I knew driving and parking would be challenging.  The train doesn't run all the way down to the sports complex, so to get there my mom and I would have to switch to the subway in Philadelphia to take it down to south Philly and please accept my sincerest apologies for including all of these logistics.

Matt travels to the city every day for work so I asked him his thoughts on mom and me taking the subway.  He said, "You'd be fine taking it there.  Don't take it home after 11 p.m. unless you want to get robbed and/or mugged."

I expect a phone call any day now from the Philadelphia Board of Tourism asking Matt to be the next spokesman for the City of Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection.

It turns out my cousin was driving to the concert and said she could drive us home, so that afternoon, mom and I headed out to the train station to make our way down to the stadium.  Actually, it wasn't just my mom and me.  We brought Emily along, and please get ready for a photo series I have so proudly named "You Really Can Be(midji) in Two Places at Once.

Mom took out her phone and said, "Okay, I've never taken a selfie before.  This is going to be my very first one."  And here you have it, folks.  I don't think she would disagree with me that we could not possibly look any worse.  Nowhere to go but up with that selfie game.



We successfully made it to the stadium and sent my dad a text to let him know that all three of us arrived safely.

You can't bring food in, so we got some dinner on the way to our seats.  I'm only including this part because of the insane fact that two hot dogs, two water bottles, and two cups of french fries cost FIFTY TWO AMERICAN DOLLARS.

Luckily Emily was able to enjoy some fries.

And get all settled into her seat.

The first act was Old Dominion.  I LOVE Old Dominion's music, and they came out, sang their songs, and sounded exactly like they do on the radio.

Thomas Rhett was next, and he didn't simply sing.  He performed his little heart out.  He is a real entertainer and was so fun to watch.  I loved his whole performance.  Mom said that Kenny Chesney should be nervous!  Thomas Rhett nearly stole the show.

After Thomas Rhett, we waited a little bit for the sun to set and Kenny Chesney to come out.  Luckily it was a busy night on the river and there were lots of boats to watch.

They also literally rolled out the carpet for Kenny, covering the entire stage in gray rugs.  We figured Kenny Chesney wouldn't wear shoes and therefore, required a carpet, even though wearing shoes would a lot easier and cheaper.  We also knew that if Emily had been there she would have rolled her eyes at that discussion so we took this photo to commemorate the moment.

And then, Kenny came out and had shoes on so we're still not sure what the whole point of the carpet was in the first place.  Kenny pretty much sang non-stop for two straight hours.  He couldn't really speak because even when he tried, the whole stadium just screamed and cheered so you couldn't even hear him.  He came onstage at 8:50, and after what felt like only four or five songs, my mom looked at her watch and told me it was 10:15. 

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

As a grand finale, the Philadelphia Eagles coach and owner and several of the players came out onto the stage with the Superbowl trophy.  The crowd LOST THEIR MINDS.  Kenny sang his song "Boys of Fall" and then announced that the team made a $25,000 donation to his charity for hurricane victims.

Everyone cheered again but Mom was not easily impressed.  She said, "I just paid $52 for two hot dogs, and they could only give $25,000?"  

We met up with my cousin and as we walked to the car, we rehashed the experience.  My cousin and her friend had quite the interesting crew in their section, and my mom said she'd seen a lot of unfortunate bra choices, and I had to agree with her.

As we drove home we talked about music and I told my cousin I still have my very first cassette tape, which she bought for me.  It was a 98 Degrees tape, and I remember playing that it over and over and over on my walkman and boom box, earnestly memorizing the words to The Hardest Thing I'll Ever Have To Do and rewinding the tape with the eraser of my pencil. 

We dropped my mom off at home, and then pulled up to the intersection near the train station where my car was parked.  I told my cousin I'd just hop out and walk over to my car so she could just keep on going home.  She said, "Laura, I am not going to let you 'hop out' of the car at 12:45 at night and walk alone to your car in a dark deserted parking lot."

So, she may not buy me cassette tapes anymore, but 20 years later she's still looking out for me.

At least my taste in music has improved.

we're pretty cool around here. actually, never mind.

Well it's official.  Spring has sprung and I've caught the spring cleaning bug.  I have cleaned every window in this house, and I'm convinced that there is no better cleaning product on the market than Windex with vinegar.  It makes the windows as clear as, well, glass.  I was feeling pretty puffed up with clean window pride on Thursday afternoon when I decided I'd run my damp cloth over the screen, and then looked down to see that my cloth, which had heretofore been white, had turned black.

Pride goeth before the fall and the cleaning of the window screens which are, evidently, quite filthy.

Anyway, in addition to all the reading and window cleaning, we've also been getting some use out of this.



My parents Santa Claus brought this for me for Christmas, 2004 and for whatever reason, I saved it.  It now lives a good, useful life as a doorstop for my office door.  Our (very clean) windows have been wide open lately and it's the perfect height and weight to keep the door from slamming shut when the breeze comes through.

Plus, my parents Santa paid the elves at Kaplan, Inc. $32.00 for this sucker and I intend to get every penny out of it.  It's been living the doorstop life for a few weeks but apparently Matt never noticed it there, because the other night he walked down the hall and said "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

Before I knew it we were six questions deep into practice test 2.

Just as I was thinking, "Well, either Penn State had MUCH lower admission standards than I realized back in 2006, or I've gotten a lot dumber in the last 12 years," Matt proudly announced, "You know, I really think I'm a LOT smarter now than I was when I actually took the SAT's!"

Well.  Isn't that nice.  That makes one of us.  He was practically giddy and I'm over here struggling to pick the prime number out of a lineup. and feeling nauseated over the sight of the impending word problem featuring two trains leaving the station at the same time but at different speeds and at what point does train A pass train B and FOR THE LOVE CAN WE PLEASE GET TO A READING COMPREHENSION QUESTION?

I flipped through the book tonight just to see if my sixteen year old self had actually written anything in it.  I found two problems that I'd worked on.  Here's the first one.  To my credit, I did attempt to show my work there on the right, but I kind of trailed off at the bottom and then proceed to RULE OUT EVERY SINGLE ANSWER.

The other problem I worked on was this word problem.  I knew enough to make a chart but didn't bother to complete the problem because listen, let's just hope Joe and Stella each had at least five bucks on them.

Speaking of intelligence, or lack thereof, let me tell you about another little situation that went down in our house this week.  We don't have central air in our house, but we have wall AC units in our kitchen and our downstairs den which do a great job at keeping the house cool in the summertime.  We replaced the kitchen unit when we started our remodel back in the fall because while the old 1983 model worked like a charm, it featured actual wood paneling and some sort of now-illegal coolant.

(This is not a stock photo.  This is an actual photo of the actual air conditioner that was in our house when we bought it.)

The fan in the new AC was broken when we got it, so we had it replaced and it worked fine the two or three times we used it before the cool weather set in.  We turned the air conditioner on last week, and other than the display lighting up with the temperature, nothing happened.  The fan didn't turn on, the compressor didn't kick in, NOTHING.  We called the store where we purchased it, and they sent out a repairman named Pedro last Friday.  Pedro pushed a few buttons and told me that it was in such bad shape that in order to fix it, it would need to be taken to the repair shop for three weeks.

Since it's a wall unit, that meant we would have a giant hole in our wall.

For three weeks.

In June.

Matt and I discussed this AT LENGTH and voiced great frustration towards the manufacturer, the store, and anyone and everyone associated with this lemon of an air conditioner.  It was the cherry on top of a bad week for house repairs around here.  There may have been tears.

That poor Matt gets so emotional.

Anyway, we finally decided to buy the exact same unit from Home Depot, brand new, because our downstairs unit is also on the fritz after a solid 30 year life.  We figured we could put the new one in the kitchen, send the original to the shop, and then when that one got fixed, we could put it downstairs.  That way we could avoid a three week hole in the wall, and not feel like we were living on the surface of the sun.

So, on Wednesday night, we picked up the new unit, which weighed approximately 783 pounds, hauled it into the house, unpacked it, heaved the old one out of the wall, put the new one in, and then plugged it in and pressed that power button.

And do you know what happened?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I may not have aced the math section of the SAT's, but I knew the probability of us buying TWO faulty Whirlpool air conditioners was pretty slim.  So I said, "Do you think the problem might not be with the air conditioner, but with the outlet?"

Matt and his brother replaced all the outlets in the kitchen and (I'm just throwing out numbers here) put a 120 volt outlet under the AC.  Turns out, it requires 150 volts.

The English major triumphs again.

So, for the moment we have two giant air conditioners in our kitchen, but they will be rearranged and outlets re-run and hopefully, we will be cool again in no time.

Well, literally.

Figuratively, we have a long way to go.