this story will go down in hiss-tory

Well, do I have an update for you. It's as if the universe knew I needed some blog material. 

JUST LAST POST I shared about Matt's childhood corn snake and wrote that "He "escaped his enclosure" and was never seen again. I think about that missing snake every time we go to his mom's house, half-expecting it to sense a reunion and slither out of a vent or something."

Well, a few months ago,  my mother-in-law's longtime next door neighbors moved, and her boyfriend bought the house. He's been fixing it up to turn it into a rental property, and would you look at what he found while he was working there this weekend. 

Or should I say, WHO he found. 

Matt's (dead) corn snake. Missing since the summer of 2000. Steve tore down some drywall in the kitchen and there he was. We laughed about it all weekend. 

I asked Matt if he thinks the snake just slithered down the steps and out the front door on this way to the neighbors, and Matt said very matter of factly, "Probably. He had to get out somehow."

Steve also found a snakeskin in the basement, so the snake was alive in the neighbors' house long enough to shed his skin at least once, and make it from the basement to the kitchen. The whole situation is equally as hilarious as it is gross. What are the chances that Matt would lose his pet snake, assume it never to be seen again, but lo and behold it had slithered to the neighbor's house and made a new life for himself, only to be found TWENTY FOUR YEARS LATER when Matt's mom's boyfriend buys the house. 

The blog basically writes itself.

After we got this hilarious news, we kept on with our typical Saturday routine of stopping at the club for happy hour. 

By the club I mean Sam's Club. 

And by happy hour I mean the 4:00 samples.

We hit the jackpot with samples this week. It's not every Saturday they have sugar cookies, popcorn, AND tiny cups of lukewarm vegetable lo mein. And I would know, because we go every Saturday. 

After we got our fill of samples, we headed over to get a rotisserie chicken, and all I have to say about that is that anyone who thinks the Taylor Swift tickets were a hot item has clearly never tried to get a rotisserie chicken at Sam's Club on a Saturday afternoon. It's like lions stalking their prey. 

We saw the growing crowd of customers as we approached the chicken counter, and Matt and Christopher joined them to wait for a fresh batch. Joey and I decided to make another lap for samples, and when we got back the woman who was standing next to Matt burst out laughing because Joey yelled "DADDY! CHRISTOPHER!  We found the best samples! Smoothies and REAL LIVE ORANGES!"

It's not every day you get to see a REAL LIVE ORANGE.

Anyway, we got our chicken and on our way out, we passed an endcap with majorly discounted toys. There was an army set with a jeep, a tank, and an airplane that shoots missiles. It was marked down to the low, low price of $13 and because Matt is a sucker and our children are spoiled, he put it in the cart. 

They got it all set up when we got home and the boys spent the evening shooting missiles, or as Joey called them, drill bits. They have less than stellar aim and by dinnertime three drill bits were lost and the fourth was stuck under the oven. After dinner I straightened out a wire clothes hanger and lowered myself to the floor to fish out the missing drill bit aka missile. 

As I laid down and shoved the clothes hanger under the oven, I thought, Dear God please don't let there be a snake under here. 

I didn't see a snake, but what I did see was almost as frightening. It looked like no one had cleaned under the oven for about three years. Which makes sense because no one has cleaned under the oven for about three years. 

I retrieved the missile, as well as a marker, a baby spoon, a few toy dishes from the kitchen set, and about 4168 cheerios. Just as I was about to sit up, I heard Christopher behind me gleefully say "TA-DA!!!" and then I heard crunching. 

I told him to open his mouth where I saw he'd found the prize of a piece of dust covered Cap'n Crunch that was quite possibly as old as he is. 

Which is gross. 

But at least it wasn't a snake. 

the ants go marching one by one, hurrah?

Something that will not surprise you about Matt is that he has been talking about getting an ant farm for years. It's been an unfulfilled dream of his.

Another unfulfilled dream of Matt's is to get some sort of reptile for the boys. Growing up, Matt had two beloved lizards, Ozzie and Harriet. He also had a snake, whose name he cannot remember. He has talked fondly about feeding crickets to the lizards, and- prepare yourself- mice to the snake. Although he admits that after a while, the novelty sort of wears off. Ozzie and Harriet lived good long lives, but I'm sorry to tell you that the unnamed snake didn't have the same fate. He "escaped his enclosure" and was never seen again. I think about that missing snake every time we go to his mom's house, half-expecting it to sense a reunion and slither out of a vent or something. 

Anyway, Santa must have put Matt on the nice list this year because what appeared under our Christmas tree this year but our very own Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm. The boys didn't understand what they were opening, but I don't think the wrapping paper was even completely off before Matt was placing his order for the ants. We didn't know exactly when they would arrive, because apparently ants can't be shipped when it's too cold, which puzzles me because don't they live outside? In any event, I got this message from Matt a few weeks ago. 

Sure enough, later that day we received a package that said LIVE CREATURES OPEN IMMEDIATELY with two test tubes full of ants inside. I can only imagine what the mailman thought. So far we've had ants, ladybugs, and honeybees delivered via US Mail. I honestly wouldn't blame our mail carrier if he asked for a new route.  

I asked Matt how much we had to pay for the ants and he said they cost $6.99, but that was really just shipping cost. The actual ants themselves were free with the purchase of the ant farm! What a bargain!

Matt popped those suckers in the fridge to slow them down a bit before the big transfer, while I tried not to think about the fact that we spent at least $50.00 and the better part of the summer and fall attempting to eradicate the ants who invaded our kitchen. And now we were paying $6.99 and providing housing and food for those same ants to live on my kitchen counter.

When the boys got home, the ants were good and tranquilized, Matt said we had to provide food for them so he tossed an apple slice and a few goldish into the container because if a diet of apples and goldfish is good enough for our children, it's good enough for our ants. 

He put the boys on the counter so they could get a good view, dumped the ants in, and well, that was the big excitement of the day. 

Joey was eager to check on them the next morning. And while they had definitely been busy digging tunnels, Uncle Milton was overselling it a bit when he claimed we could watch ants "dig tunnels, build bridges, move mountains, and so much more!"

There's not more to it, let alone SO MUCH more. They're ants. 

And I'm sad to say there is one other claim that Uncle Milton made that I found to be false. And I'm sorry to say, it's this one. "BREAK RESISTANT AND ESCAPE PROOF: A self-locking device that makes it escape-proof and provides easy access for feeding and giving water to the ants."

On Friday evening, the boys were having movie night and I was cleaning up the kitchen. As I wiped the counter near the ant farm, I spotted not one, but two ants, crawling away from the ant farm as fast as their little legs could carry them. I immediately squashed them and the boys came running in. 

Matt said "okay, who opened the lid?!" and Joey said "well, it must have been you. Christopher and I can't reach it and Mommy doesn't touch it."

Matt insists it wasn't him, but he's the only one in the family who has had a snake AND ants escape. 

So all I have to say is, we're never getting a reptile. 

And that's an (ant) hill I'm willing to die on. 

and now i'm back, from outer space

Tap, tap, is this thing on? 

I can't believe I haven't written a blog post since 2021. But, I thought I'd pick up where I left off and share a follow up on our bathroom! When I last wrote about it on November 6, 2021, here's what it looked like. 

At the time, Joey was newly two years old and we were expecting a new baby that January. 

Fast forward to today. Here is a photo of the bathroom this morning. And there's the baby, who is now two years old himself. 

Listen, I don't know whether to laugh or cry about this. A few times I have considered just putting up some drywall and turning it into a closet, but then I remind myself that I don't actually want to share a bathroom with three boys for the rest of time. 

Since we moved in, we've renovated the entire house. This is the last room. So I know, that in the wise words of Gloria Gaynor, I will survive. 

Although perhaps these words of Gloria's are more appropriate for the situation:

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart

Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart

And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself

So while the bathroom situation hasn't changed since I last wrote, our family has! Joey was 2 and now he's 4. In my last post I wrote, "Sometimes I have to blink several times and make sure it's really a tiny two year old in dinosaur pants standing in front of me, and not a middle aged boss man," and aside from the fact that he's outgrown his dinosaur pants, that exact same sentiment is true to this day. 

In fact, just last night, I was sound asleep when I sensed a presence in my room. I opened my eyes to see Joey standing about three inches from my face, just silently staring at me. I blinked a few times and then said, "Joey? Are you okay?" 

He said very matter-of-factly: "Hi Mommy. I need to see you in my room."

Okay, boss. 

I shuffled behind him to his room where he told me that he'd come down with a stuffy nose in the middle of the night. He proceeded to explain some sort of complicated situation that involved him walking back and forth to his dresser to get tissues, although he had moved his trashcan next to his bed for easy tissue disposal.  But, he was wondering if I had any ideas of where he could put his tissue box so he didn't have to walk across his room every time he needed one, because that was simply unsustainable. 

There I had been, snoozing away in the next room, and he was up and about setting up a little infirmary for himself. 

Joey doesn't have a bedside table, so I suggested he put a few tissues under his pillow and he loved that idea. I tucked a few under the pillow, gave him a kiss, and went back to bed. 

A little while ago, I was putting him down for his nap (yes he's 4.5 and still takes a nap PRAISE THE LORD) and I noticed his pillow was a little bit lopsided. When I straightened it out I saw that he'd really taken my tissue idea and run with it. 

So anyway, Joey's great. He loves fishing, trucks, and trains. He started pre-school this year. He's taking a four week karate class which is hilarious and he's starting T-ball in the spring. He chooses chores over playing, and he loves rules -- following rules, making rules, enforcing rules.

And then we have Christopher! He turned two in January. For the first year of his life, I actually felt like I was cheating or missing something because he was the world's best baby. He barely cried, he went with the flow, the sweetness just oozed out of him. He also spit up 475 times a day for the first 9 months of his life. All the clothes I wore during those nine months were completely ruined and my rugs and couches will never truly be the same. But still, absolute easiest baby ever. 

And then he turned about 15 months old and we realized we have a bit of a drama queen on our hands. He has a temper and a short fuse, and can fake cry with the best of them. But he's also absolutely as sweet as can be and FUNNY. He loves to get a laugh, even if it means he has to yell "I love poopy butts" in the library, or worse - church- to make Joey giggle. And when he's being mischievous, or trying to get out of trouble, those big blue eyes are a get out of jail free card with. Matt always says when it comes to Christopher, I'm like Larry Krasner, the Philadelphia district attorney who is, let's just say, light on punishment. I can't help it. He's the cutest, sweetest boy. He loves animals, soft things, any and all food, and music, and we think he's just the greatest. 

So anyway, that's the update. I have really missed writing this blog, and I've also missed how I viewed the world when I was writing regularly. I was always on the lookout for the funny aspects of mundane, everyday situations, or trying think of ways I could creatively tell a story. So I'm going to get back to it this year. And lucky for me, I live with three people who make me laugh multiple times a day. 

Here's a little teaser for the next post. 

We got an ant farm.