when nature calls in the middle of petsmart. alternately titled: i am never getting a dog

It's been a while since I've mentioned my mom and dad's dog, Pearl. 

Pearl is two now. She is like a dog from a movie with a personality I really cannot accurately describe in words, but let's just say that when I imagine what goes on in Pearl's mind, it is ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS WITH LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!

Pearl is an English Springer Spaniel.  She's a beautiful dog, super smart and very strong.

I feel like I'm writing her profile for a dating website.  She likes long walks on the beach and romantic comedies.

Pearl also has anxiety and when I fed her dinner tonight I had to squeeze five drops of hemp oil onto her Purina.  She loves to find treasures.  She almost always brings a treasure home from a walk.  She's not picky.  It could be a napkin, a glove, a plastic bag, a rock.  Whatever she can find on the sidewalk.  One time my parents let her out into the backyard and she proudly pranced back to the door with a frozen rabbit in her mouth.  

Pearl is crazy about my mom.  But she is OBSESSED with my dad.  He works from home so the two of them spend a lot of time together, and she wants to be on top of him at all times.  Literally.  I was at their house one time and he couldn't even tie his shoes because she was sitting on his feet.  

She isn't supposed to go upstairs, but if she knows someone is up there and she is downstairs, her heart breaks and she lets you know it.  There was a time when my mom, in order to go upstairs in peace, put Pearl in the kitchen and then walked out the garage door so Pearl would think she was leaving the house.  And then she walked around the house, came back in the front door, which was out of Pearl's line of vision, and snuck upstairs.  

My mom is sick today, and my dad was out of town for work.  My mom dropped Pearl off at doggy day camp this morning and I offered to go pick her up this afternoon.  Pearl LOVES doggy day camp.  She loves it so much that she was banned from puppy playtime for about a year because, get this, TOO FRIENDLY.  She didn't pick up on the social cues the other dogs gave when they didn't want to play with her anymore.  They would try to send the message that they weren't interested in playing but NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED.  And then nevertheless she got sent to solitary confinement until she could mature.

She was recently allowed to rejoin puppy playtime and so far she's managed to control herself.

When I got to Petsmart to pick Pearl up, the woman working said "Have you ever seen her in action during playtime?"  I told I hadn't and she said, "She's really matured a lot.  We had to pull her out for a while but she's gotten a lot better.  Although she does get time outs eventually."  

And at that moment I heard the sound of a dog slamming itself against the door, and turns out it was Pearl.  She was ALL CAPS SO EXCITED!!!!

I don't know if she thinks she's going on some grand adventure as opposed to home, but she gets so excited to go anywhere.  She practically strangles herself on her leash.  One time my dad dropped her off at doggy daycamp and they didn't want to let her in because they said it sounded like she had kennel cough.  My dad tried to tell them it was just that she was straining herself on her leash, and then took her to the vet for the official diagnosis of  strained larynx due to excessive leash excitement.

Anyway, the man escorting Pearl handed over the reins (or leash, but really, she needs reins) and said, "She had a great day.  No time outs.  Three urinations.  No bowel movements."

For a second I thought I time traveled ahead a year and was picking my actual child up from daycare as opposed to old Pearl from Petsmart.

As I led her to the door, she smelled every single shelf we passed, jumped on two people, and then.

Then.

Then we got about fifteen feet from the front door. Right in front of the registers, where there were two lines of people staring straight at us.

And nature called.

Pearl squatted right down to do her business.  And by business, I mean we could now put the bowel movement count for the day at one.  Also, I don't want to get too graphic here, but she's not a stationary squatter. No.  She walks and goes, leaving a smelly trail in her wake.  

I. Was. Mortified.  

I had to ask the cashier if she had anything I could use to clean up and she handed me a plastic bag and roll of paper towels.  While I knelt down to clean it up, Pearl was back to her normal looney toon self, running circles around me and bouncing amongst her many piles of...evidence.  

I got it cleaned up, and one of us had our tail between our legs as we walked out of that store and here's a hint, IT WASN'T PEARL.

So, the moral of the story is that I hope Pearl's new family finds her as charming as we did.

Just kidding.  I brought her home, fed her dinner, squeezed her hemp oil on her dinner to help with her stress and anxiety and really considered taking some for myself.

A small glimpse of guilt.

I really could have used it because I drove to my own house expecting peace and calmness, only to find Matt on the back stoop with a chicken submerged in a five gallon bucket of warm water as he tried to alleviate her situation of being egg bound.

Please don't ask me for details on that.  I can't even talk about it.

And guess what's coming to our house tomorrow?  Four baby chicks.

Just call me the reluctant Dr. Doolittle.