the ants go marching one by one, hurrah?

Something that will not surprise you about Matt is that he has been talking about getting an ant farm for years. It's been an unfulfilled dream of his.

Another unfulfilled dream of Matt's is to get some sort of reptile for the boys. Growing up, Matt had two beloved lizards, Ozzie and Harriet. He also had a snake, whose name he cannot remember. He has talked fondly about feeding crickets to the lizards, and- prepare yourself- mice to the snake. Although he admits that after a while, the novelty sort of wears off. Ozzie and Harriet lived good long lives, but I'm sorry to tell you that the unnamed snake didn't have the same fate. He "escaped his enclosure" and was never seen again. I think about that missing snake every time we go to his mom's house, half-expecting it to sense a reunion and slither out of a vent or something. 

Anyway, Santa must have put Matt on the nice list this year because what appeared under our Christmas tree this year but our very own Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm. The boys didn't understand what they were opening, but I don't think the wrapping paper was even completely off before Matt was placing his order for the ants. We didn't know exactly when they would arrive, because apparently ants can't be shipped when it's too cold, which puzzles me because don't they live outside? In any event, I got this message from Matt a few weeks ago. 

Sure enough, later that day we received a package that said LIVE CREATURES OPEN IMMEDIATELY with two test tubes full of ants inside. I can only imagine what the mailman thought. So far we've had ants, ladybugs, and honeybees delivered via US Mail. I honestly wouldn't blame our mail carrier if he asked for a new route.  

I asked Matt how much we had to pay for the ants and he said they cost $6.99, but that was really just shipping cost. The actual ants themselves were free with the purchase of the ant farm! What a bargain!

Matt popped those suckers in the fridge to slow them down a bit before the big transfer, while I tried not to think about the fact that we spent at least $50.00 and the better part of the summer and fall attempting to eradicate the ants who invaded our kitchen. And now we were paying $6.99 and providing housing and food for those same ants to live on my kitchen counter.

When the boys got home, the ants were good and tranquilized, Matt said we had to provide food for them so he tossed an apple slice and a few goldish into the container because if a diet of apples and goldfish is good enough for our children, it's good enough for our ants. 

He put the boys on the counter so they could get a good view, dumped the ants in, and well, that was the big excitement of the day. 

Joey was eager to check on them the next morning. And while they had definitely been busy digging tunnels, Uncle Milton was overselling it a bit when he claimed we could watch ants "dig tunnels, build bridges, move mountains, and so much more!"

There's not more to it, let alone SO MUCH more. They're ants. 

And I'm sad to say there is one other claim that Uncle Milton made that I found to be false. And I'm sorry to say, it's this one. "BREAK RESISTANT AND ESCAPE PROOF: A self-locking device that makes it escape-proof and provides easy access for feeding and giving water to the ants."

On Friday evening, the boys were having movie night and I was cleaning up the kitchen. As I wiped the counter near the ant farm, I spotted not one, but two ants, crawling away from the ant farm as fast as their little legs could carry them. I immediately squashed them and the boys came running in. 

Matt said "okay, who opened the lid?!" and Joey said "well, it must have been you. Christopher and I can't reach it and Mommy doesn't touch it."

Matt insists it wasn't him, but he's the only one in the family who has had a snake AND ants escape. 

So all I have to say is, we're never getting a reptile. 

And that's an (ant) hill I'm willing to die on.