putting the brakes on. literally.

Well, this weekend started off with a bang.  

And by that I obviously mean a trip to Target.  

  

Matt and I went to buy a board game, but he wanted to take a look at seeds and bulbs and other assorted garden accessories and I had to grab some milk, so we agreed to separate at first and then reconvene in the board game department. 

Well, guess who showed up to the board game aisle with not only a half a gallon of milk, but also a container of broccoli cheddar soup, gift wrap, and a bag of miniature bell peppers.

I’m telling you, that Matt is always going crazy in Target.

Oh, I kid.  

It was me.   

I could justify all of my purchases except for the miniature bell peppers.  I had no real need for them but they were just so adorable I couldn’t resist.

After we picked out a game and paid, we were on our way.  Until we got into the car and Matt realized his blood sugar was low (he has diabetes), so we made a pit stop at the grocery store on the way home.  I waited in the car while he ran in with two dollars and returned a few minutes later with a candy bar and a Spicy Nines lottery ticket.

Wow.

 He is unpredictable.

He is also in the same tax bracket he was in before the Spicy Nines purchase, because unfortunately it was not a winner.

I try to keep this blog profanity free because HI MOM AND DAD, but the game we bought at Target was called Smart Ass.  It’s a funny game for a group, and what made it even funnier was that in an effort to censor himself, Matt called it Smart Beep.   

It’s a trivia game, but there is a board with a few spots with special directions.  

Dumb ass, move back three spaces.   

Hard ass, you get to answer a bonus question.  

It lost some of the effect when Matt would say “HAHA YOU LANDED ON DUMB BEEP, MOVE BACK THREE.”

On Saturday I woke up at the crack of 11:30, and after lunch I drove to Matt’s so he could replace the front brakes on my car.  

Here’s a word to the wise.  You should probably not wait until after your boyfriend has removed your entire front wheel AND brake system to ask him “So, how many times have you changed brakes before?”  

Because he might tell you that this is the first time he’s ever done it, and that may or may not cause you to go into a panic, and you may or may not have to go inside and lay on the couch and watch HGTV until it’s all over.

 

I’m not speaking from experience or anything.

After my car was back in one piece, we took it for a spin to test the new brakes and so Matt could check out my gas pedal.  As I mentioned in my last post, my foot has been especially tired while driving lately, leading me to believe that there’s an issue with my gas pedal.  

Matt drove fast and slow and with cruise control and without and on highways and side streets and stopped suddenly and went up hills and around corners and after he tested every possible driving scenario, he turned to me and said, “Well, your car is working just fine.  There is nothing wrong with your gas pedal.”  

What he probably wasn’t expecting was for me to say, “OH NO. WELL THEN WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG WITH MY FOOT?”

Listen.  God bless Matt.  It must be exhausting to date me.

That’s when he drove us to the river and we got OUT OF THE CAR and walked and walked along the water and enjoyed the springtime weather, the warmest and sunniest we’ve had in months. 

 

We found the dam and then Matt chased some geese and also communicated with them in a very realistic geese honk that he evidently perfected during hunting season.  

 If I closed my eyes, I couldn’t tell which honks were Matt’s and which were the actual geese.

Ladies, he’s all mine. 

Says the girl who does a mean dial tone imitation.

It eventually started to get chilly, so we got back in the car and went for a ride, which is one of my very favorite things to do.  We rode all around in one of the most affluent suburbs and looked at all the fancy homes and picked up flyers for any that were for sale.  

If only Matt had a winning Spicy Nines ticket, this little shack could be his.

And now, it's time for a brand new week.  

I am THRILLED that we now have an extra hour of daylight.  I plan to take lots of evening walks.  

Hopefully they make my foot stronger.  I'd like this gas pedal/tired foot situation will be resolved once and for all.

a whole bunch of things that aren't really related

Welp, I just washed my hair with apple cider vinegar.

Just your typical Thursday around here.

I read about the benefits of apple cider vinegar online the other day, and figured I’d give it a whirl because who can say no to something that promises such REMARKABLE RESULTS?  

NOT. I.

My hair does feel very smooth and clean, but unfortunately I smell like I went for a swim in a pickle jar.  Here’s hoping that subsides by tomorrow morning, because last week I showed up to work smelling like a margarita, and if I show up tomorrow smelling like a hoagie sandwich with excessive condiments, people might start exercising their constitutional right to complain.

I’m sad to say that my vinegar hair washing experience was one of the most exciting things that happened this week.  I spent the majority of the day yesterday making trips to the biggest window in the office to monitor the arrival of what the meteorologists promised would be A MAJOR WINTER WEATHER EVENT.  

But when I left work at 5:30?  

DRY AS A BONE.  

In fact, the BIRDS WERE CHIRPING.  I turned on my windshield wipers as I drove home in a show of solidarity with the ever-optimistic weather people and an attempt to will the sky to snow, but it was all in vain.  

The night was completely precipitation-free, which just goes to show you that no one can create panic for a few million people quite like Philadelphia meteorologists who cry snowstorm.

On Tuesday I spent the day in court, as per usual, but the judge took me and another paralegal out to lunch which was an unexpected bonus.  I rode shotgun on the way to the restaurant and made sure I clicked my seat belt VERY LOUDLY AND SECURELY when we got into the car because I’d hate to commit a legal infraction while in the car with a member of the judiciary.  

We didn’t talk about cases during lunch because EX PARTE COMMUNICATION ALERT, and I tried my hardest to keep my use of legal puns to a minimum.  That was very difficult for me and I literally had to bite my tongue on more than one occasion so I wouldn’t say YOU BE THE JUDGE OF THAT when we were discussing things like the best Penn State quarterbacks and whether bacon or sausage tastes better on a breakfast sandwich.

I did have a pretty funny/witty one liner on the ride back to the courthouse and told the judge he could feel free to use it when he took the bench to make a decision in a big case, just as long as I got some credit via a shout out on the record, so we’ll see how that goes.  

 The ball is in his court now.

There I go again.

It’s like I can’t even help it.

Once again I have several hours of overtime this week so I am planning to take a long, leisurely, middle-of-the-daycation tomorrow.  The last time I did that my car died, so fingers crossed I don’t have a repeat of that little incident. 

Speaking of my car, the other day I mentioned to Matt that I had another concern about Old Blue.  I told him that while I didn’t notice anything different mechanically or performance-wise, heard no strange sounds, and didn’t see any leaks, I was worried because I just felt like my foot was working harder than it normally does when I drive.  

I asked him if he could take a look-see, but I imagine it’s challenging to diagnose a car issue when the only complaint is a tired foot.

Matt was silent for a long time and then very carefully said, “Well...I can look at it for you... but do you think it’s possible that you’re still just a little freaked out by the battery dying last week?”

It turns out that I THINK THAT IS VERY POSSIBLE AND QUITE LIKELY THE EXPLANATION.  WELCOME TO MY BRAIN.

Matt can read me like a book.

So that’s going to be a fun little weekend activity. 

Happy Friday! 

it was like i was meant to order a second helping of mozzarella sticks

I worked a lot of overtime last week, so by the time Friday rolled around my supervisor said that as long as I was in the office for an 11:00 and a 1:30 meeting, I could take the rest of the day off.  When the first meeting was over, I turned off my computer, packed up my things, and set off on what I like to call a middle-of-the-daycation.  

I planned to take myself to Chick Fil A for lunch and then wander around the bookstore, but when I remembered it was a Friday in Lent and I couldn’t have meat, I decided to swing by Sonic for some mozzarella sticks instead.  

I parked, ordered, and ate.  I didn’t read or listen to the music or talk on the phone.  Just sat in silence and stared out the window at the cars driving by.  It was lovely.

And then it was time to go back to the office and I tried to turn my car on.

Nothing happened.

I performed a quick inventory of the situation and once I confirmed that the car was indeed in park and the key was in the ignition correctly, I realized, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

Or maybe more like, PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

It wasn’t cold, I was in a safe place, it was light outside, and I had nowhere urgent to be, so I didn’t really panic.  The situation ranked very low on the scale of ONE TO SERIOUS.  However, I'll admit that when the Progresssive operator ended our phone call with ‘HELP IS ON THE WAY,’ it added the air of drama that I so enjoy.

I decided to call Matt while I waited for the tow truck.  I explained my predicament and then Matt said, “Well, do you have a wrench in your car that you could use to pop the gear shift?”

Excuse me. Have we met?

A tow truck pulled up about ten minutes later, they plugged something into the hood of my car, and Old Blue purred like a kitten.

It turns out the battery had died.

Which would explain why my windows have been rolling up and down very slowly lately and sometimes the radio volume didn’t work.  Apparently those things are symptoms of a dying battery.

Now I know.

I drove straight home because I didn’t want to turn my car off anywhere else, and that’s when I called Matt and gave him the good news that HEY! WE HAVE FRIDAY NIGHT PLANS! REPLACING MY CAR BATTERY!”

And because Matt is fantastic and also secretly loves a little automotive drama, he came over on his way home from the office and we set to work changing the battery.  

And by “we” I obviously mean “he.” All I did was stand around and pontificate on the increasing price of dry cleaning and my thoughts on organic fruit.

And then Matt told me to start up my car, and so I did, with great success.

Tomorrow morning I’m driving two hours away for a work meeting with a co-worker.  I’m sure my car will be just fine, but in case we break down, I sure hope it’s near a Sonic.  

technically, it was five o'clock somewhere

Well, it's Thursday night.  

And the heat in my apartment is working.

That may not seem like monumental news but I assure you that around here, it is.  I had to call my buddy Marv the Maintenance Man AGAIN last night due to a malfunctioning heater power head or as I like to call it, A VERY COLD APARTMENT.  

Luckily Marv saved the day.  I'm toasty warm once again and only wearing one layer of clothing as opposed to the two to three I wore last night.

If I could describe the weather right now in two words it would be "cold" and "dry."

The air is so dry that there is an impressive shock, COMPLETE WITH VISIBLE SPARKS, anytime I turn on a light switch.  A small firework of sorts, if you will.  I have started to touch light switches and our metal closet door handles with any object other than my hand.  So far my resourceful self has used a book, coffee mug, tv remote, slipper, shampoo bottle, and hairbrush in order to avoid a giant shock.

What can I say?

I'm electric.

Boogie woogie woogie.  

I've got to moooooove.  I'm goin' on a party ride...

Where was I?

Due to the aforementioned freezing, dry air, I liberally applied about half a tube of Bath and Body Works lotion before work on Tuesday morning.

And then I promptly got in my car and drove straight to the county courthouse.  On Tuesdays I spend all day in court.  Fear not, this isn't because I have an illustrious felonious record, but rather because I am a paralegal and I have to do things like talk to lawyers before cases and throw around legal puns like "Well the ball is in your court now!" and "Hey I bet your witnesses hope you have a BRIEF CASE!"

(That second one is my favorite.)

((Perhaps I should forgo the paralegal career and become a comedian.)) 

As I was pulling into the courthouse parking garage, I made a startling realization.  

The scent of the body lotion I had so liberally applied was Bath and Body Works Island Margarita.

If there is one thing you don't want to smell like when you're in a courtroom all day, IT IS A MARGARITA.

Whoops.

One woman actually told me how good I smelled and asked what scent I was wearing, but fortunately other than that, no one commented on the fact that I smelled like happy hour.

It just so happens that tomorrow is National Margarita Day.  So perhaps this incident was a foreshadowing that I should celebrate the holiday.

Or maybe I should just go back to good old Vaseline Intensive Care.

But that's not nearly as much fun.

Happy weekend!

the heat is on

Hello. 

I am currently conducting a little Monday night science experiment.  

And that experiment is called "Using High Efficiency Detergent in a Normal Efficiency Washing Machine."  I'm fairly confident that everything will be fine thanks to some investigatory googling I did before I turned it on, but if things don't work out I can always just call the maintenance department.

Since my life is apparently not complete without at least one maintenance call per week.

I had to call maintenance yesterday morning because OUR HEAT BROKE.  

AGAIN.

I should have known something was wrong on Saturday afternoon when Matt asked for a blanket, since I have seen Matt chilly approximately ZERO times in my entire life.  He is always hot.  

I didn't think again about the heat, OR LACK THEROF, until about 2 a.m. when I woke up shivering.  It was 58 degrees in the apartment. 

So I marched myself to the leasing office bright and early the next morning to request some maintenance assistance.  And half an hour later my friend Marv the maintenance man showed up at my door to tell me a heat sensor was malfunctioning and that the boiler was only half firing.

I don't know what that means in the technical sense, but I do know you don't want either of those things to happen in the middle of February in Pennsylvania.

Long story not short at all, there is heat in my apartment once again.

Last but not least some pictures of my happy Valentine's day...

 

{work treats}

 {flowers from Matt}

 

{dinner Matt cooked}

{my Valentine}

guess which one of us studied liberal arts in college...

just your typical happenings

At some point last week the volume on my television stopped working.  The picture was as clear as it gets on an old fashioned 19 inch television, but all I could hear was static.  I decided that when I got home from work on Friday night I was going to fix that tv.  

What that actually came down to was me employing the only real strategy I have to fix anything electronic, which is to turn it off and on repeatedly and then hit and any and all buttons in a somewhat wild fashion.  

I was about five minutes into working my technological magic when I heard a hallelujah chorus.

Just kidding.  What I heard was Alex Trebek's voice, which was equally exciting given the circumstance.

Unfortunately it appears that in the midst of my wild button pushing I unintentionally changed the language setting on the tv.  And now that it's changed, I cannot change it back because I do not read French.

That's okay though.  I may have lost a battle, but I won the war.  

Or, the guerre.

I spent the remainder of Friday evening preparing for what the meteorologists convinced me was going to be A MAJOR WINTER WEATHER EVENT.  And by preparing I mean I bought a bottle of chocolate wine, ate Mexican food with Matt, and was asleep by 10:30.

I woke up on Saturday morning to see less than an inch of snow on the grass.  COLOR ME DISAPPOINTED.  Since the roads were completely clear, I joined Matt, his roommate, and his roommate's girlfriend for an afternoon of errands.  

First on the list was haircuts for the boys.  Imagine my surprise when we pulled up to a pale yellow building with at least a hundred plastic flowers in a garden out front and a giant sign that said ELEGANCE HAIR SALON.

Just when you think you know your boyfriend, you find out he gets his hair cut at Elegance Hair Salon by a lovely elderly woman with a thick Korean accent named Edith.  

Although I must say his new haircut makes him look very handsome.

Well done Edith, well done.

After that little experience we went to the bank and the food store and eventually ended up back at Matt's apartment with some frozen pizzas and a box of brownies.  While the boys unpacked the groceries I discovered a Valentine's movie marathon on TV.  

JACK.  POT.

The Back Up Plan starring Jennifer Lopez was just starting, and while I knew we had seen that movie already, I was hoping Matt would forget because I highly doubted that was a movie he'd want to watch twice.  My hopes were crushed when he sat down and said, "I think we've seen this movie already."

We watched anyway (he's a keeper) and it was your typical romantic comedy - totally predictable (especially since it was our second viewing) and funny, but the funniest part came about three quarters of the way through when Matt pointed to J-Lo and said, "Is that lady Beyonce?" 

What can I say? I'm dating a total pop culture junkie.

Monday was unremarkable other than the fact that I made myself a delicious soup from scratch for dinner.  The downside was that when I was ladling the boiling soup from the pot into my bowl, I missed the bowl and burned my finger.  

I spent the rest of the evening with a bag of frozen green beans on my hand.  

We were out of peas.

I'm happy to report that I recovered from my very minor injury beautifully, which was a relief because today was Fat Tuesday and I didn't want an unfortunate injury to interfere with my donut consumption.

It didn't. 

And all four donuts were delicious.