in summary, i have a new computer

About a week before I started eighth grade, my dad started telling my brother, sister, and me that we would be having a “dry run” before our first day of school.  It was my mom’s first year back to work as a teacher, so she was going to be very busy in the mornings, and he told us that we would have to set our alarms, wake up on time, get dressed, have breakfast, and walk to the bus stop just to make sure that the schedule worked perfectly.  My sister was in kindergarten that year, so the idea of a dry run was ACES to her, but my brother and I just laughed and rolled our eyes because surely he could not be serious.

And then came the day before the first day of school.

And as we trudged across the street to the bus stop at 6:45 am, backpacks on and Dad waving from the front porch, we realized that he was serious.

 

Dad loves a good dry run.

And last weekend, I realized that I married someone who shares my father’s philosophy on dry runs.

Matt started a new job last Monday, and the weekend before we woke up, got ready according to the 

proposed time schedule, drove to the train station, and even PARKED THE CAR in the spot Matt would be parking in.  We stopped just short of inserting a few quarters into the meter and actually boarding the train.

It was like 2001 all over again.

In addition to a new morning routine, Matt’s new job also required a new wardrobe.  We spent a few hours in Macy’s last week picking out some fancy new threads.  I immediately got lost in the racks of dress pants and ties and OH, THE OPTIONS FOR BUTTON DOWNS and at one point I looked over and saw Matt just staring blankly at a mannequin (or, as he calls it, a dummy).  “Are you okay?” I asked him.  “Oh I’m fine,” he said, “just getting used to the type of outfit I will be wearing every day for the next forty five years.”

Hurry it up, retirement.

Matt had a great first week at his job, and his new position oh-so-conveniently coincided with the death of my laptop.  Matt hasn’t had a computer in years, so once mine died we were totally without one.

 

We have been researching new devices for a few weeks, but it was difficult because I am not a fan of large purchases.  If something costs more than about thirty dollars I will hem and haw for ages before biting the bullet.  And Matt is the same way.  Which is why I think we will never buy a house because SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS? It took us six solid months to decide on a SOFA.  

And you should see us try to commit to buying the Value Pack of chicken at Wegman’s.

And so, after EXHAUSTIVE research and many debates between the iPad camp (Matt) and the laptop camp (me), we decided to purchase a laptop this weekend.  We drove to Best Buy bright and early, only to discover that the doors didn’t open until 11:00.  We went next door to Petsmart to kill some time.  We checked out all of the hamsters and fish and watched puppy class for a little while, and then I went to check out the dog clothes (why on earth would a dog need a down vest, ANSWER ME THAT), while Matt perused the reptile department.

When we met back up, he was holding a piece of orange plastic coral and a King Tut fish tank decoration.

“What are your plans for those?” I asked.

“I thought they would look really cool on my desk in my new office,” he said.

Whoa boy.

Luckily the clock struck 11:00 so we put down King Tut and the coral TOOT SUITE and went next door to Best Buy.  And do you know what was outside the Best Buy doors?   A GIANT CROWD OF PEOPLE.  I thought people only gathered outside of Best Buy on Black Friday, so color me surprised.  

I was dying to push past people and run inside and scream, “WOOOO HOOOOO, WE’RE GONNA BE FIRST, GOTTA GET THIS AMAZING DEAL” but Matt wasn’t so much on board.  And so instead, we walked in very sensibly and maturely and purchased a sensible, mature, computer.

From which I am now typing.

So, long story not short at all, oh Laura Darling is back.

Now all I need to make this one hundred percent official is a desk.

Preferably with a piece of decorative coral on top.

this is the most i will ever have to say about a car

Mark Twain said that humor is tragedy plus time.  If that's true, then the events of the last week will be funny in, oh, six months or so.

Let me back up.

The oil in my car was changed on Saturday.  On Sunday, my new oil and I drove to my parents' house, a bridal shower, and back.  On Monday, I drove to and from work, and on Tuesday, I hit the road bright and early for a work meeting two hours away.

I wanted to be at the meeting early, so I left the house at 6:30, when it was still dark and a little bit rainy.  The weather cleared up as soon as I got on the highway, and for the rest of the drive I sang my heart out Carrie Underwood style and marveled over the beauty of both the sun and early morning fog rising over the miles and miles of farms I passed.

The training was actually taking place at a tiny church in a little town along the river, and as I pulled into the parking lot I was shocked at how much foggier it was in town than it had been on the highway.  I attributed the fog to the town being situated right on the river, and I sat in the car and did a quick email check and lip gloss reapplication before I got out.

And then I opened my car door and smelled a terrible burning smell.

That's when I put two and two together, and realized that the fog was actually smoke.

And it was coming from THE HOOD OF MY CAR.

So, I did what I do in questionable mechanical situations, and called Matt.  "Goooooood morning, you've reached Bill Clinton," he said.

(Here is where I should mention that nine out of ten times I call Matt, he answers as either a pizza place or a president.  One time he even sent me flowers at work and signed the card "Love, George Bush.")

"MATT, NO TIME FOR JOKES," I said, "I just got to my meeting, and there is smoke POURING out of my hood, yellowish-brown liquid spilling out of the grill, and it smells like something is burning."

"Uh-oh.  I hope your oil cap is on,"  said Bill Clinton.

My oil cap was not on.

And had not been since Saturday.

I had to go into the meeting so I asked Matt/Bill to text me directions on how to proceed and told him that I'd call him at lunch.  He sent me a list of things to do, and then I called my dad to make sure I was doing the right thing and also get his perspective on the over/under of my car catching on fire when I drove home, because sometimes a girl just needs to hear her dad say, "Laura, if you were going to combust, you would've combusted already."

When the meeting ended, a co-worker and I wiped oil off of the engine and other important looking mechanical parts with some towels that the town tax collector, who lives next to the church, brought over for me when he saw my hood up.

I like you, small town living.

Let me tell you, you know you have found a true friend when she stands in an oil covered parking space with you in her VERY FANCY Christian Louboutin red soled pumps that were a law school graduation present and wipes oil off of your car engine.

And then drives you to the Napa Auto Parts store in the next town so you can buy more oil, and laughs when you buy a funnel so you don't make a mess because HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR CAR?  IT IS ALREADY COVERED IN OIL.  WHAT ARE A FEW MORE DROPS?

When we got back to the parking lot, our administrative assistant, Betty, had called her husband, who works on cars, to drive down to check things out for me. And then his brother-in-law came by the church to see what was happening and I realized I HAD OFFICIALLY BECAME THE TALK OF MARIONSVILLE.

Betty even said, "When you girls went to the store, all the old biddies came out to see what was going on."

I think it was the most excitement Marionsville had seen in weeks.

It was a big relief to have an actual mechanical look at my car, and when I asked him if there was any chance the engine would catch on fire as I drove home, he said, "I think you will be fine.  The oil needs to burn off though, so if you see a little smoke, you're fine.  If you see a lot of smoke, you're on fire."

Words to live by.

I am happy to report that I made it home safe and sound, and my car appears to be none the worse for wear.

And tonight, I can even laugh about it a little bit.

Turns out Mark Twain knew what he was talking about after all.

on the plus side, at least i know she will always be honest with me about my wardrobe

Two years ago my sister was a junior in high school, which meant PROM.  Even though the prom wasn't until the spring, she started talking about it in the fall, and got a beautiful dress and finalized all of the standard prom-related plans well in advance.

And then, about three weeks before the prom, the school principal called all of the upperclassmen into the auditorium and announced that there had been a terrible oversight, and that the prom wasn't actually scheduled on the date they thought it was.   They had called around to all of the local venues, but there were none still available on that date, so the prom was postponed for a few weeks.

It is worth nothing that Emily attended an all girls high school, so please imagine the drama that followed a crisis of such proportions.  Emily remained remarkably calm about the whole situation, but things at school were operating at a LEVEL TEN on the drama scale.  She said that the entire auditorium cried when the announcement was made.

Faculty and students alike.

I do not miss high school.

It turns out that the rescheduled date was also the day of my cousin's wedding, so Emily went to the fancy wedding in the city instead of to the prom.  However, since she had the dress, she wore it to the wedding and looked beautiful.  It's one of my favorites ever.

This past year, the senior prom was scheduled (and confirmed, well in advance), and she wore this pink dress.

We have another family wedding in October, and the other day Em and I were talking about what we were going to wear.  I was in the middle of telling her that I hadn't decided on a dress yet, when her navy prom dress popped into my head.

"Hey," I said, "would you mind if I borrowed that prom dress of yours for the wedding?"

"OH, LAURA!!" she said.  "TO A WEDDING?!  I REALLY DO NOT KNOW ABOUT THAT."

"What do you mean?" I asked.  "You wore it to a wedding!"

After a minute, she said, "OH, THAT PROM DRESS. I THOUGHT YOU MEANT MY SENIOR YEAR PROM DRESS!"

And all weekend it has made me laugh to picture my twenty six year old self wearing that frilly pink prom dress to a church wedding and country club reception.  The other guests would really think I'd gone off the deep end.

And evidently, Emily thinks I already have.

people have been mistaking me for a princess all week

When I got out of the shower on Monday morning, I saw that I had this message from Matt.

I'm not sure what makes me happier- the news of another royal baby, or the fact that Matt simply used "Kate," knowing that I'd know exactly who he meant.  We are both on a first name basis with the duchess.

Speaking of Kate, my engagement and weddings rings are at the jeweler for their six month check-up, and they may not be ready until SEPTEMBER 26TH!

It's a good thing I have this to wear in the meantime.

pinterest...i'm going there

Back in ye olden days of 2010 when Pinterest was invented, I created an account.  And then I proceeded to use it approximately never because if I needed a recipe I would Google it, just like the cavemen used to, and also I possess no desire to paint anything with chalkboard paint or complete a month of squats.  I even got engaged, planned a wedding, and got married in the year 2014 all without using Pinterest.

And then last weekend I went shopping with my mom and bought a chambray shirt at Kohl’s.  When I got home I started looking in my closet for things I could pair with it, and then I decided to turn to Pinterest for some other ideas and see if it lived up to the hype that you can find anything on Pinterest.

I sat on the couch and scrolled through page after page after page after page…after page… of ways to style chambray shirts.  I couldn't stop.  Matt was sitting next to me and after about fifteen minutes he said, “What are you looking at? The denim channel?”

All I’ll say is that twenty four hours later I was sitting at our picnic table hot gluing sticks that I collected from the yard to a glass candle holder. 

You could say I was bitten by the Pinterest bug. 

Not only has Pinterest provided me with three hundred and forty seven ways to style a chambray shirt, it has also inspired me to become more organized.  The other day I cleaned off the front of our fridge because it was covered in so many pictures and invitations and coupons and appointment cards and score sheets from the shooting range (don’t ask) that I was going a bit crazy.  I moved the invitations to the side of the fridge and organized the appointment cards on the front in date order (this is fascinating, I know), and THEN, I told Matt that he could expect a calendar to appear on the fridge in the next few days so that we always know what’s coming up. 

He mentioned that he’d made a dentist appointment for next week (COMING SOON TO THE FAMILY CALENDAR) because his tooth was bothering him.

 

It’s a tooth that has given him some trouble in the past, and since Matt doesn’t go to the doctor for ANYTHING EVER I knew it must be pretty bad. 

On the other hand, if I sneeze more than twice a day or think I feel a slight twinge of discomfort or anything out of the ordinary, I’m self-diagnosing myself via the internet with some terrible affliction and calling the doctor’s office requesting an immediate appointment.

Matt told me his dental symptoms and then he said, “I mean, I’ve been thinking about it and I decided I’m just going to tell them to take it out.  It’s in the very back of my mouth.  No one will ever know.”

Oh my.

Well, I’m going to need some time to chew on that. 

(I couldn’t resist.)

But rest assured that the appointment will be on the calendar.  And in the meantime, I’ll be searching Pinterest for home remedies.  You really can find anything on there.

all in all, it was a good one

This weekend started out on a high note because on Friday morning, Matt was offered a new job.  It was wonderful, long-awaited news, so we decided to go out to dinner to celebrate.  He asked where I’d like to eat, but I told him that since it was his big day, he should pick.  After going back and forth between a few possibilities, he chose Applebee’s, which thrilled me because Applebee’s is one of my favorite places.  

I am very fancy.

We had a great time and a delicious dinner and were even feeling so philanthropic and flying high on the idea of a bigger paycheck that when we left the restaurant we decided to buy a bag of popcorn from the Cub Scouts who were sitting outside.  We selected a nine ounce bag of chocolate drizzled popcorn from the table and the little boy said, “Thank you.  That’ll be eighteen dollars.”

EIGHTEEN DOLLARS? 

Matt was a cub scout and a boy scout, and to this day he recites that scout law on a very regular basis.

(A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.)

I’m not sure what is thrifty about spending eighteen dollars for a small bag of popcorn, but we handed over our cash and headed home with our popcorn that was most certainly made from the FINEST POPCORN KERNELS IN ALL THE WORLD.  We started talking about our weekend plans as we walked to our apartment, and Matt mentioned that he wanted to call and see if he could get in for a haircut the next morning. 

We were almost to our door when we heard our neighbor Carol scream, “MATT!! LAURA!!”

(Actually, she yelled, “MORT!” but I hesitated writing that lest you think I was returning home with a man other than my husband.  She calls Matt ‘Mort’ for reasons unknown, but we have been here for almost seven months now so it feels like it’s too late in the game to tell her his name is actually Matt.)

((That reminds me of a time in sixth grade when my math teacher, an Catholic nun named Sister Solange, would make the whole class go to the chalkboard to do our math problems, sign our names at the bottom, and then return to our seats so she could check them.  One of my classmates was named Stanley, but one day when he signed his name below his math problem, he made the mistake of writing the ‘l’ and the ‘e’ too close together so that it looked like a ‘k.’  And Sister Solange read it as “Stanky.”  She thought that was just the cleverest nickname and she called poor Stanley “Stanky” the rest of the year.))

 

Anyway, Carol is elderly so we thought she may have fallen or something had gone terribly wrong so we rushed back to her door.  She was coming outside and said, “I have just been waiting for you two to get home!! Your air conditioner made the biggest bang while you were gone!! It scared me!!   It was the loudest bang I’ve ever heard!!”

That was unfortunate news to hear since it was 91 degrees outside with approximately 110% humidity.  Matt briefly investigated things and sure enough, the fan was blowing but there was no cold air to speak of.  We called the landlord and then Matt immediately went into survival mode, and by that I mean he turned off all the lights, lit one small candle, and got out his flashlight and ham radio.

We hadn’t lost electricity, but he was so excited about the drama I didn’t say anything.  It was like his inner boy scout came out again.

The next morning, the HVAC guy showed up at the crack of 8:00 and informed us that the capacitor had indeed exploded.  He was able to go to the warehouse and get a new one which was a relief because the temperature was hovering somewhere around eighty five degrees and the surface of the sun.

Once the capacitor was fixed and the repairman and our landlord left, Matt picked up the phone to see if he could get in for a haircut.

Except the phone didn’t work.

And then we turned on the TV.  And it didn’t work either. 

All of our Comcast services were out, and since our cell phones don’t work in our apartment (hello cement walls), you could say there was some TROUBLE RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY.

Matt looked around and said, “Well, I guess I’m going to have to do some electrical work.”   It was at that moment that I decided to head to Kohl’s.

When I returned home, everything was back in working order.  The UPS man had even stopped by to deliver Matt’s benefits information for his new job, so I sat with him while he went through it and planned our next vacation in my head because TWO WEEKS, HOLLA. 

And then Matt got to the part about health insurance.  Let me just say that health insurance is not my wheelhouse.  In fact, when I was hired for my first real job, I received my paperwork and saw there was an option for a “cafeteria plan.”  And I brought that paperwork home to my father and told him I was so excited that my job included the option of lunch.

So I’m going to trust Matt to make the decisions in that department.

And I will stick to packing his lunches in my very own version of a cafeteria plan.  

i am still slightly concerned about the laptop

Emily is now two weeks into her college career, and I am here to report that we are all surviving.  For the first three or four days I texted her multiple times with various pieces of completely unsolicited advice.  When I sent her a message telling her not to leave her laptop on her windowsill if she goes out just in case it rains while she’s gone and some rain blows in, I realized it may be time to REIGN IT ON IN.

In addition to my completely rational concern about her technological equipment and its proximity to the windowsill in a rainstorm, I was anxious about her navigating that huge campus on her first day of class, and having approachable professors and someone to eat with in the dining commons.  

But the thing I was most nervous about?  Her first party.  She’s not a big party girl, but I know it’s only a matter of time until she goes to her first apartment soiree, and I just remember me my friends who spent a Saturday night here and there believing that there was no finer beverage than a plastic cup of jungle juice that was scooped out of a large Rubbermaid container of questionable history and cleanliness.

Over the past few weeks Matt has heard hours of “OH MY GOSH DO YOU THINK SHE’S AT A PARTY” and “I HOPE SHE DOESN’T WALK ANYWHERE ALONE” and “DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TEXT HER A GENERIC MESSAGE TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES?”

The other night I was lying on the sofa when got a text from Emily that said, “Hey, I’ll call you later tonight after I get home from the party.”  I flew off that sofa and tossed my phone to Matt and said, “Look. Em just texted me.  She’s going to call after the party.  SHE’S GOING TO A PARTY.”

And Matt smiled and said she’d be fine and that he hoped she knew to steer clear of the jungle juice.  A few hours later my phone rang.  “You were at a party?!” I said.  She cracked up.  “No! I was at the poster sale in the HUB!  Matt texted me and said to tell you I was at a party.  We thought it would be funny to trick you.”

They are a riot.

We were talking a few nights later and Em said she’d done four hours of chemistry homework that afternoon.  Matt asked her what a covalent bond is, and she responded with some scientific mumbo jumbo.  “She’s right,” he said.   “That’s a covalent bond.  It’s the strongest type of bond there is.”

Ok, now we’re talking.

In the last week I have told Matt no less than fifty times I’m so glad that we have a covalent bond.  He loves it, obviously.

I think this college thing is going to be good, for all three of us.

i'm like the girl who cried snake

One of the tasks on my to-do list for this past weekend was to pull the dead plants out of the rest of our garden.  I got a lot done last weekend, but I jumped ship after my disgusting discovery of the herd of worms residing in it.  However, as Mark Twain says, “Humor is tragedy plus time,” so I figured it was time to crack a few jokes and get back in the game.

Or back in the garden, as it were.

Thankfully the worm situation was not as bad as it had been the weekend before, and in no time at all I had the rest of the dead plants torn out and the dirt and mulch overturned.  When I was finished I sat at the picnic table admiring my handiwork, and considered buying some mums for the fall to jazz the patio up a little bit.

A little later Matt asked if I would like to accompany him on a drive to a state gameland about 45 minutes from our house so that he could do some research for the upcoming hunting season. 

Let me take a moment to explain that this is my first hunting season actually living with a hunter, and I am quickly learning that the preparation to hunt is almost as great a joy as the actual hunting is.  Over the past few weeks, there have been hunting magazines arriving in our mailbox, detailed online research being conducted, and many a phone call between Matt and his dad planning their strategy.

 

I knew excitement had hit level 10 when I came home from work on Friday afternoon and Matt was sitting on the couch arranging his bullets in what appeared to be the male equivalent of a makeup case.

Since I love a good ride through the country, I was all in for the hunting recon trip.  After I showered and got ready, I walked into the living room wearing cute black shorts and a white blouse and a pair of turquoise sandals whose time to be worn is limited because HELLO SEPTEMBER.

“You may want to bring some shoes and socks,” Matt said, “We might have to walk through cornfields.”

Hmm.

 

I went back to our room and got my feet properly outfitted while I told Matt I had no idea how much preparation was involving in hunting.  “It’s like when you want to buy a new pair of shoes,” he said. “You go to the mall and look at all of the various possibilities, and then you go home and think about what you saw, and then you go back and make the commitment.”

Well now you’re speaking my language.

We set off on our adventure, but I had no idea the wilderness part of the journey was going to begin so soon.  As we walked down the sidewalk to our parking lot, you will never guess what slithered across our path.

A snake.

A real, live, not-a-worm, giant, long, scaly SNAKE.

I shrieked and jumped and watched it slither into our neighbor’s garden while Matt followed it saying, “now THAT is a snake!”

All I can say is that I guess my decision has been made about the mums.  

My gardening career is over.

And now I'm wondering if Matt could hunt this snake as well.

i promise that most weekends are more exciting

I am sitting on the couch beside Matt, and he just sighed loudly and said, “Oh man, I keep forgetting to write that letter to Cheez Its.”

I know you’re dying for more information so I will tell you that Matt prefers his Cheez Its with slightly burnt edges.  And he thinks that the powers that be over at Sunshine should know that because his new thing is contacting customer service departments.  Thanks to his customer services reviews, over the past month or so we have received a free three pack of Jockey t-shirts, a Weather Channel baseball cap, a voucher for a free box of Famous Amos, and a coupon for contact lenses.

I realize that seems like the pastime of someone several generations above us, but wait until I tell you how we spent our Friday night.

We laced up our sneakers after dinner and went power walking at the mall. 

I am not kidding.

Actually, we spent several hours at the mall and stayed until closing time, because in addition to the walking we did a LOT of window shopping and spent at least forty minutes in a store that sells brain games.

It was in the brain games store where I learned that Matt possesses the secret talent of being able to separate a chain of solid steel rings that appear to the average person to be inseparable.  He is a magician. 

Also, color me impressed because I am the girl who cannot even separate the rings on her key chain, and those are actually meant to come apart. 

Saturday was rainy, so we decided to throw caution to the wind and do our grocery shopping that afternoon as opposed to our typical Sunday evening grocery shopping routine.  We are in month one of Operation New Budget, and so before we left we planned our meals and made a list, and I’m proud to report that we stuck to that list with the exception of an irresistible bag of Tostitos, and a container of fresh cheese curds that I discovered when I opened the fridge this morning.

And then right after we unpacked the food it started to rain outside.  It got dark and windy and we had the sliding patio doors open and could hear the rain pouring down.  I thought to myself, “self, you should lie down on the couch and close your eyes and take a nap.”

And so I did.  For three glorious hours.  And when I woke up Matt was STARING at me.  “I am SO GLAD YOU ARE FINALLY AWAKE,” he said.  “These past three hours I’ve had NO ONE to laugh at my jokes.”

It’s tough to be a comedian without an audience.

After the rain ended I went outside to pull all of the dead plants out of the garden while Matt got burgers ready for the grill.  Once I had most of the plants out, I started to turn the dirt over with a rake. 

And that's when I discovered that we were infested with snakes.

Matt was in the kitchen, so I screamed, “SNAAAAAAKES,” and I think he actually flew out to the garden. 

Much to my dismay, Matt enjoys a reptile.  In fact, he grew up with two pet lizards named Ozzie and Harriet and a snake that “somehow got loose” in his mother’s house and was never found.

I get shivers just thinking about that.

Well, my resident reptile expert told me that the snakes were actually earthworms.

In my defense, they were the biggest earthworms I have ever seen.

And after some (admittedly disgusting) research, I think the earthworms may be to blame for the sudden demise of my petunias and impatiens this year.

I think we should write a letter to Lowe's about it.  Maybe they'll send us a coupon.

i never did like small post earrings

So, my brother got married last weekend.

And then three days later, we all got together at my parents’ house to say goodbye to my sister because she left for college on Wednesday.

And in between those two Major Life Events, I turned twenty six and suddenly I feel like I have to cross all sorts of grown up things off my list because I’m basically staring thirty in the face and running out of time to do things like become a morning person and decide if I prefer white wine or red wine.

Basically, it’s been a big week around here.

Tonight is Emily’s first weekend night as a college student, which is really unbelievable because it was just yesterday that she was coming to Penn State with my parents to visit me and my brother, all the while vowing she would NEVER, EVER, EVER GO TO PENN STATE like the rest of us.

She was going to be different.

Break the mold in a family full of Penn State alumni.

But between you and me, I think she was destined to be a Nittany Lion from day one.

In honor of her new adventure and all of my nostalgia, I went through my box o’ important documents the other day to remind me of my youth.  And in addition to my diploma, graduation cap, and several English books, I found two documents that made me laugh.

Exhibit A:

When I was a senior, my parents brought a car up to Penn State near the end of the semester so that I could pack up and drive myself home as soon as I finished my finals.  Along with the car, my dad brought with him detailed directions about how to actually get myself home.  Back then I had absolutely no sense of direction, or a GPS.  And so I taped this piece of paper to my dashboard so I could look over at it during the journey.  

I was nervous about making the drive, and my dad even sent me an email the morning I left, encouraging me to “Just remember, once you make it to 83 south, you cannot go wrong.” 

Guess what.

I went wrong.  In fact, I went wrong all the way to Grantsville, Pennsylvania.

In the past four years I’ve developed a (slightly) better sense of direction, and I’ve acquired a GPS.  And, in a twist of what I’d venture to call irony, the home office for the company I work for is halfway to Penn State and I have to take these very same highways to get there.  Every 45 days.  

Oh Life, you are funny.

And now for Exhibit B.

My Penn State student ID.

Could I possibly look any less thrilled?

The answer to that is no, no I could not.

I’m happy to say that not only has my sense of direction improved since college, but also my ability to smile appropriately for identification photos.  Take my recent drivers license picture, for example.

I’m so happy to report that a fairly normal smile made an appearance.

It’s just a shame that I couldn’t find a pair of large earrings.

Dear Emily, smile in your ID photo.  And if you need a pair of earrings to wear, just let me know.  I can be there in three hours, I still have the directions.

it's a wonder we keep going back

Since I've last written here our baby robins have left the nest and it was a very emotional time.  I've gotten myself a promotion at work. And our condo complex pool opened.  Basically, BOY HAVE I BEEN BUSY.

Also, we bought two more new tires which brings our tally to $ix new tire$ in just shy of four months of marriage, for those keeping track at home.  

Matt and I have also been keeping up with our gym routine on a fairly regular basis.  I wish I could say we've come a long way from our slightly awkward gym beginnings, but that's not exactly the case.

On our first visit to the gym, I approached a weight machine and took a seat.  I set the weights to a whopping 15 pounds and started lifting, but it felt awkward.  After my first set of reps (I totally have the gym lingo down) Matt came over and informed me that I was sitting on the machine backwards, which explained my difficulty.  I thought the part where you lean you chest/stomach was a backrest.

Evidently the focus of the gym is not on comfort and relaxation. 

And of course there's the time I wore new shoes to the gym and forgot to remove the tags.  

Our routine includes a half hour on the treadmills, and we always try to get two next to each other so we can mouth things to each other like "what do you want to do for dinner?" and "I could really go for a blueberry pie" mid workout.

When thirty minutes is up, Matt turns his machine off and as it slows down, dramatically slides to the end and leaps off to go get paper towels to wipe off the treadmills.  Well, the other night he forgot to hit the stop button.  And so when he returned with the paper towels, he hopped back up on the STILL MOVING treadmill to wipe it off and took himself QUITE the tumble.  There was a split second of terror but after we realized he was okay we I had a good laugh.

And for the past several days I've gotten a lot of mileage out of his little mishap.  I've brought it up several times, but that ended yesterday.  

Because, pride. It cometh before the fall.

I was strolling along at an impressive speed last night when a message started scrolling across my treadmill screen.  "NEED HEART RATE. PLACE HANDS ON SENSORS OR USE TELEMETRY METER."

I was familiar with the hand sensors, but a telemetry meter?  Now that sounded new and interesting and fun.  I scanned the machine and on the side saw a small red disk attached to the treadmill with a cord, so I figured, HELLO, TELEMETRY METER.  

And so I proceeded to grab that little "meter" except IT WAS THE EMERGENCY STOP BUTTON.  The treadmill stopped immediately but unfortunately my body kept  moving at a 3.9 speed setting and I almost flipped right over the front of the machine.

Thank you, inertia.

Once I got my bearings I looked down at the treadmill screen and what I saw was even more embarassing.  The screen was flashing:  "MACHINE STOPPED.  NEED MANAGER RESET."

I abandoned that treadmill in no time flat and took off to the weight machines.  

At least I know how to use those correctly.

why i love june weekends: in (mostly) photos

Eating every meal on the patio with my main man.

(We also had brussels sprouts.)

 Afternoons at the pool.

 Weeds in the woods.  Pretty ones.

 Drinking an extra cup of coffee so I can admire my gorgeous garden a bit longer and congratulate myself on my very green thumb.  And my humility.

 New Pandora stations, inspired by seeing Jersey Boys this weekend with my mom and sister.

And finally, finding a random car magnet on the street (aka STRIKING GOLD) and secretly sticking it on Matt's car.  And then waiting to see how long it would take him to discover it.

Spoiler alert: he discovered it when he took the trash out after dinner, less than three hours after I stuck it on there.  Because on his way out the door I told him it would be in his best interest to examine the back of his car.  So basically I cannot keep a secret.

things are a little fowl around here

About three weeks ago, I discovered that a bird had built a nest in the gutter between our condo and our neighbor's. A few days later a robin started to sit on the nest, and naturally I kept a very close eye on things and didn't even sweep that side of the patio or weed that end of the garden lest I disturb her.

The babies finally hatched last Saturday, and I've become borderline obsessed with the whole situation ever since.  I check on them every morning before I leave for work and immediately when I get home.  I sit outside at our picnic table and watch the mama bird fly in with worms and feed her cheeping babies.  I've done exhaustive research on baby robins.  I worry when it rains hard, or when the carpenter bee that's also taken up residence on our patio flies too close to them.  I've taken countless photos of the nest and yesterday I even took a three minute video of the babies.

Last night I HAD A DREAM about our baby birds learning to fly.  Even I know that's a bit unusual, and a sure sign that I need to REIGN IN THE CRAZY because I am officially losing it.

And then I was emailing back and forth with my dad this morning and he told me that he and my mom got four little tadpoles for their backyard pond this weekend. 

And my mom named them. 

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.

So evidently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I got home from work today and when I walked in, I saw Matt on the couch.  He looked awful.  He was sneezing and sniffling and his eyes were red and watery and swollen.

I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Well, my allergies are acting up.  I knew I shouldn't have followed that turkey."  

Hmm.  Now that's a statement that's going to require a bit of clarification.

Evidently when he pulled into our parking lot, he spotted a turkey.  So he got out of his car and sneakily followed the turkey into the woods because he wanted to see where it lived.

His search was unsuccessful, but he has big plans to hit the woods again, WITH A TURKEY CALL, to see if he can find the turkey homestead. 

Where do we sign up for a our birdwatcher's memberships?