no ifs, ands, or butts about it

It seems hard to believe that last Sunday we were digging out from two feet of snow, and this week it was warm enough to go for a long late afternoon walk outside.

In a light jacket.

With no gloves.

I walked a new route this afternoon.  Down the hill and around the church on the next block.  It was lovely.

As I walk I like to look at houses and get decorating ideas.  Most people have their outdoor decor away for the winter, but as I rounded a corner I could see a house up ahead with lots of decorations on their lawn.

As I got closer, this is what I saw.

A skeleton.  Riding a bicycle.  Next to a statue of the Blessed Mother and a deflated Santa.

Wow.

The houses in our neighborhood are all similar styles, but vary a little bit in structure.  Most of the homes have large picture windows in the living rooms, and I think it's so interesting to see how people decorate them.  Lots of people have large vases with flowers.  Some have candles.  There is one house with all different colored glass vases.

And then, I came upon this house.

It's a little difficult to see, and to that I say YOU'RE WELCOME IN ADVANCE, but in the window are various statues of, well, butts.

It's like A Christmas Story gone R rated.

Maybe I'll walk around a different block next time.

we certainly didn't go hungry during the blizzard of 2016

Well, Matt just looked over at me and asked, "Have you ever wondered what the oceans would be like with no water?"

After I told him that no, that's not a topic I've ever pondered, he said, "With water-less oceans, we would be living on giant mountains.  And mountains are like the goosebumps of Mother Earth."

Basically what I'm saying is we have been snowed in long enough.

All last week the weather reports called for a big storm Friday and Saturday, but since the meteorologists cried blizzard one too many times last year only to see storms that "significantly under-performed" and had "high bust potential," I figured we'd get ten inches tops.

However, I did go to the grocery store on Friday just to see how crazy it was, and also because Matt had texted me that morning that he'd run into the store before work to secure milk, and he left it in his truck which he'd parked in the grocery store parking lot.  I went to get the milk out of his car and discovered he'd purchased two big gallons of top of the line organic milk.

Well.  There is a man who bought into the hype.

I also purchased the blizzard necessities while I was at the store, which was experiencing Thanksgiving busyness times ten, including the following items that made complete sense to me while I was shopping but didn't quite make as much sense once I got home: cottage cheese, a jar of gravy, trail mix, a pack of chicken breasts, three Asian pears, a giant bag of broccoli, and syrup.  With the exception of the chicken and the broccoli, we don't eat any of those items on a regular basis.  But if we wanted them during the BLIZZARD OF 2016, we'd have them.

And could wash them down with a glass of organic milk.

The snow started falling on Friday evening and didn't let up for 26 hours, leaving us with a final total of about 25 inches.  Matt could hardly sleep on Friday night and when we woke up he bounded down to the kitchen to make his Famous Snow Day Breakfast which included chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

It was cold and windy and we spent the day alternating between trying to keep up with the snow removal and lounging on the couch watching wall to wall snow coverage which is my favorite thing to do.  Nothing beats ten hours of watching poor news reporters stand in desolate intersections, sticking their rulers in snow drifts and interviewing snow plow drivers and the occasional gas station customer.  I love it.

I also read, sewed, and drank more mugs of coffee and tea than I could count.

We also decided to roast a turkey and make a complete Thanksgiving dinner, so it's a good thing I picked up that gravy on Friday.

The snow was over when we woke up this morning, so Matt made eggs (in a heart) for breakfast and we cleared the driveway one last time.

Then we made a run to Walmart for salt because we didn't have any, which was a ROOKIE HOMEOWNER MISTAKE.  But the power was out at Walmart and Lowe's was out of salt, so we came back home to continue relaxing.

I just found out that my meetings for tomorrow are canceled, so it looks like another day at home for me.

I just wish that meant another delicious breakfast.

But I can have milk.  And cottage cheese.

i'll shred 30 cups of cheese for her birthday, but that might be my limit

I am sitting here on Monday night trying my hardest to think back to Friday, and it feels like it was  so long ago.

That's how you know you had a good weekend.

I do remember that Friday involved a staff meeting that lasted 30 minutes longer than planned because expense reports were on the agenda, and expense reports always go hand in hand with controversy and an extended discussion about mileage and points of origin.

After work I went to my parents' house.  They were hosting my niece's baptism party on Saturday afternoon, and since my mom was fighting a little cold I dropped by to offer my culinary expertise.  I'm proud to announce that my culinary expertise is increasing now that I have my very own gigantic yet outdated kitchen to cook in.

(I know you're jealous of that wallpaper and sweet wood paneling.  Not to mention the fancy faux brick vinyl floor and plastic wood ceiling beams. I have BIG DREAMS for our summer '16 remodel.)

But, I still wasn't prepared for what my mom told me when I arrived.

"Okay, we are making macaroni and cheese.  And we have to triple the recipe."

Triple?  

You mean 1 3/4 cups TIMES THREE? 

I haven't done math like that since the fifth grade.

I don't know if my mom saw the fear in my eyes, or if she was tipped off when I asked for a pen so I could work out the actual math problems, but she saved the day with the suggestion that we first double the recipe, and then make a single third batch.  She made me feel better by saying that strategy would work better with regards to ratios and ingredients, but part of me thinks she doubted my math skillz.

Which is a completely legitimate concern.  

In addition to successfully doubling the recipe, I must add that I single-handedly shredded TWENTY SEVEN CUPS of cheese.   

I can honestly say there are very few people in the world I'd shred twenty seven cups of cheese for.  

Annabelle is one of them.  Can you blame me?

The baptism and the party went off without a hitch and Annabelle couldn't have looked cuter or been a more perfect goddaughter. 

Also, I can now add godmother to my resume. 

 And professional cheese shredder.

a glimpse into the life of a lottery winner

Matt had off of work on Friday and had big plans to insulate the crawlspace in a valiant effort for optimal energy efficiency.  He'd gone out on Thursday night and bought twelve rolls of insulation so he could jump right in on Friday.  When the time came, he enthusiastically shimmied into the crawlspace only to shimmy right back out and cancel the project because THE CRAWLSPACE WAS ALREADY INSULATED.

I thought he'd done the proper recon before going to all the trouble to buy and transport the insulation but evidently not.  So we spent Friday evening returning twelve jumbo rolls of insulation to Lowe's.

Whoops.

In Matt's defense, the insulation in the crawlspace didn't look like traditional insulation.  But still, word about the mishap traveled fast because a few hours later we went to my brother in law's house and he and his girlfriend had already heard the story.  We ate dinner with them and then Matt and his brothers went outside to make a fire in the fire pit.  It was freezing so I stayed inside with my sister in law and nephew and tried to get him to walk on his own by luring him with exciting things like the remote control and chocolate chip cookies, which are pretty much the two things I'll get off the couch and walk for.

But he completely refused to have any part in walking.  And then we got a video on Sunday of him walking all the way across the room like he'd been doing it for years.  I guess he doesn't like an audience.


On Saturday Emily came over to spend the day with us which was very exciting and involved things like shopping for groceries and a new winter coat for Matt.  Matt has high coat standards.  He is currently searching for a dressy, warm coat with a hood, no fur of any kind, and it must be waterproof, but not feel waterproof because he does not like that texture, and he likes the brand London Fog.

We are looking for the unicorn of outerwear.

Sunday was the day we found out that we'd won the lottery.  After we called an attorney and an accountant, we talked about what to do with all our money.  Since we only won four dollars that conversation didn't take very long.

It was sixty degrees outside so we (Matt) took advantage and painted some woodwork on the back porch.  Then we put another coat of polyurethane on the office floor.  I was ready to relax after that, but we asked ourselves WWCAJD (What Would Chip and Joanna Do), and decided to tackle some wallpaper removal in the master bedroom.

 The wallpaper has actually been a hit with the over 70 crowd who has visited our house, but I wasn't thrilled with the idea of vines with grapes and various berries on the walls of the master bedroom.

So down it came.

And this is where we currently stand on that project.

The worse the before picture, the better the after, right?

Please say yes.

If not, I might use some of our lottery winnings and hire a professional for this job.

an HVAC career is not in my future

Well, I am still working from home several days a week, and this experience had officially turned me into the girl who moves her houseplants around to various locations throughout the day to maximize sun exposure.

Since I spend so much time at home I've appointed myself president of the neighborhood watch.  On Sunday afternoon, I noticed that there were two police cars outside.  I alerted Matt to the presence of law enforcement, and I stood at the front door while he ran upstairs to the bedroom to see what he could see from that vantage point.

A few minutes later two cops came out of our neighbor's house, meandering to their cars and laughing.  The situation didn't appear to be dire to them, but it was to me because they were parked in front of our house I didn't want the other neighbors on the street to think we are a couple of felons.

And then yesterday, as I was moving my houseplants to their 9:30-10:45 location on the kitchen table, I noticed a giant wire laying on the ground in our backyard.

So, I did what any normal person would do in that situation and called the non-emergency number of our local police department, and five minutes later Officer Davis was knocking on my door.

And then Officer Davis informed me that Verizon was running new cables in the neighborhood.

Part of me was embarrassed, but mostly I was just happy it was a quick visit and hoped the neighbors didn't see the cop car outside our house for the second day in a row.

I'm happy to report I didn't call the police today, but kept myself occupied by texting Matt updates of when the heat was turning on and off.  I thought it was running excessively, but finally at about 1:00 this afternoon and after my fifteenth update, Matt finally said, "I'm really not surprised that it's on so much.  It is 20 degrees out today."

But, when Matt got home from work tonight he checked the damper and the heater and the vents.  As his final check, he asked me to run up to the heater vent by the front door.  He would make some adjustments and asked if I'd yell down to tell him if more or less heat came out.

Well, I knelt down in front of that vent and I wasn't surprised at all the house was chilly.  The heat was hardly coming out at all.  Matt made the adjustments and after each one I said, "no change, no change."

He came back upstairs bewildered, and then he looked at me sitting at my post and said, "Well, you're sitting in front of the cold air return, not the heating vent."

That could have been part of the problem.

I think I come by technological confusion easily though.  My mom, sister, Mommom, and great Aunt Joan came over for lunch this weekend.  Matt had to move my aunt's car, and when he came back inside to give her the keys he said, "Wow Aunt Joan, I see you sprang for the remote start."

And she said, "Oh you're kidding.  I did? I've had that car for ten years and I had no idea."

But I bet she would've been able to correctly identify a heating vent.

starting 2016 with a new garbage disposal and without a pair of corduroy pants

The other night as I was cleaning up from dinner and rinsing some plates in the sink, I smelled a terrible, terrible smell.

So like all good wives do, I said to Matt, "Something really stinks over here, you come here and smell it."

With a whiff and a reach into the drain to discover old broccoli, tuna fish, and other unidentifiable food, we knew Wednesday night was going to be the night we replaced the garbage disposal.

Matt had purchased a new garbage disposal on Black Friday that we planned to use when we remodel the kitchen, so we conveniently had one on hand.

I was downstairs when Matt started on the project, but when he walked through the family room to his workshop to get some tools, he said, "Do you think you could write a blog about this?"  So here's Matt, happily prepared to replace the garbage disposal.  This smile was before he realized that it had been on there for 40 years and was therefore terribly corroded and almost impossible to remove.

After several minutes trying to remove the old disposal, Matt said, "Hmm, maybe it actually twists the other way."

And then "Well, I might just have to take the torch to it."

It was after that last line that I took my mom's advice about what to do when there is a plumbing project going on.

"Always leave during plumbing."

Of course I didn't actually leave because it was 7:30 on a week night and who goes out at that late hour?  But I did go upstairs and reorganize our closet and got rid of several things I haven't worn since college, yet have moved with me to three apartments and a house.  I'm talking to you, l.e.i. brand tan corduroy pants that I actually wore OUT TO A PARTY in college.

With a navy blue polo shirt.

When I was finished with my closet reorganization project, I went town to the kitchen to discover Matt had the brand new garbage disposal up and running perfectly with its powerful 3/4 horsepower motor.

So in 2016, my resolution is to run that garbage disposal all the time.

And not to wear any more tan corduroy pants.

I think both of those things are achievable.

the orange room part 1

Matt and I moved into our house on December 5th, and because we are planners, we had a handwritten, detailed list of projects we wanted to complete, in order of priority.  And then on December 6th, I vacuumed the whole house and when I got to the spare bedroom with the old, orange shag carpet, I could not even bring myself to enter the room.

So I said to Matt, "You feel like pulling that rug up?"

He agreed and right then and there we veered from our carefully prepared list and ripped the rug right up.  When we were finished we looked at each other and Matt said, "Wow. I wasn't really ready to do that."

It was the right move though.  The carpet had been there for 48 years and I have to say it did not age well.

There were original hardwood floors hiding beneath the rug, so Matt and I began the tedious tasks of pulling the nails and staples out of the hardwoods.

After about ten minutes I transitioned myself to the role of supervisor and pointed out protruding nails and staples as I swept the floor and referred to us as Chip and Joanna.

I was really enjoying the position of job site supervisor and the power that came with it, and I said to Matt "Oh look, you missed a nail.  Right there under that bracket.  I'm just like Joanna now, casually throwing around technical hardware terms like bracket."

And Matt said, "Yeah.  Except that's not a bracket.  It's a door hinge."

TO-MAY-TO, TO-MAH-TO.

The next night we went to Lowe's to buy some supplies for room, and when we got to the moulding aisle, Matt PULLED A TAPE MEASURE OFF OF HIS BELT.

I was so impressed that he thought to bring one, and also slightly intimidated, because my measuring habits would be put to the test since we were headed to the light bulb aisle next.  I needed a replacement bulb for my Scentsy, and I'd brought the old bulb with me so I'd know what wattage to buy.  However, I knew from online research that you couldn't buy an exact Scenty bulb replica in stores, and that I'd have to get a differently shaped bulb.  To make sure that I got a bulb that would fit in the Scentsy, I measured the warmer before we left.

And by "measured" I mean it was "from the base of my ring finger to the stripe of glitter in my nail polish" inches wide.

It might not be the most technical method, but it worked.

And I know Joanna would be proud.

tomorrow i hang the no solicitation sign

Well, something I wasn't prepared for with home ownership is door to door solicitation.

This morning a woman knocked on the door and gave an impassioned speech about the importance of conserving clean water and before I knew it I was signing my name on a petition that I'm not completely sure I agree with but what kind of barbarian says no to clean water?  Plus, it was raining and the woman was soaking wet and I felt bad for her.

Just as I handed the clipboard back to her she conveniently told me that "most of the neighbors are giving $25 today to cover them for the whole year."  I told her I didn't have any cash, which was true, but then she said she would take a check.  I told a little white lie and said my husband took the checkbook to work, but then she said if I had a smart phone and an internet connection she could show me how to do it online.

I could not stump her.

So I just told her I'd "put the check in the mail."

Later in the afternoon the doorbell rang again, and when I answered it the man standing there said, "Oh hi hun, can I talk to the homeowner?"

And I said, "Oh hi sir, I AM THE HOMEOWNER."

He seemed a little taken aback, but he introduced himself as Marvin, and apologized and told me I looked too young to own a home.

That might have been a sales tactic, but I still wasn't buying what Marvin was selling, which in actuality was an ADT home security system that miraculously went down in the monthly price every time he mentioned it.

"Twenty five dollars a month is a small price to pay for peace of mind!"

"When you come home at night and it's cold and windy and something in your house doesn't seem right, you'll be happy you signed up to pay twenty dollars a month for security!"

"If your husband has to go away overnight, you can both rest easy that you paid that ten dollars a month to keep you safe at home alone!"

I told Marvin I wanted to discuss it with Matt before I signed up for anything, and he said, "Okay.  But you're really going to have to sell him on it, because 99% of husbands say no."

You know what Matt doesn't say no to buying?

Tape measures.

It's a shame Marvin didn't have any of those to sell.

i've already picked paint colors

Well, as the old saying goes, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a split level in the suburbs and a thirty year mortgage.

That's right.

We're homeowners.

We officially settled on our house last Friday, and moved in on Saturday.  And by Sunday evening, the Christmas tree was up, the entire family room was decorated, and in a spontaneous act of renovation enthusiasm we pulled out an ugly orange shag rug in a spare bedroom at about 8:00 Sunday night.

We absolutely love the house, but it needs some updating.  The wall paper sampler below should give you an idea of the style.

We bought the house from an old man who had lived here since the house was built fifty five years ago.  When we were talking about putting in an offer, Matt and I did a little crackerjack detective work and and learned that the owner's son and daughter in law live next door, and his son was the realtor.  They were very easy to work with, and once we knew the house was ours, Matt and I drove by several times a week because we were so excited.

And also because it was during election season and Matt liked to check out what lawn signs the neighbors had displayed so he could try and gauge the political climate of the neighborhood.

One night as I drove by, the owner was walking out of the house with who I assume was his daughter.  He was walking with a cane and she was filling the trunk of the car with boxes.  And I'll admit that I teared up a little bit because there he was, leaving the house where he lived for fifty five years, brought his children home, raised his family, lost his wife, and grew old.

Fifty five Christmases.  Hundreds of birthdays.  Thousands of stories and decisions and memories.  And millions of the day to day things that make up a lifetime.

And Matt and I are moving in with years of life and a family and lots of Christmases still ahead of us.

At closing, when he slid us the keys, his son/our neighbor said to us, "Lots of life, love, and laughter in that house."

And then on Tuesday morning, the doorbell rang.  We had an appointment for someone to come and give us an estimate on cutting down a tree, so when I opened the door to see a man standing there with a giant wrapped gift I thought "THE LANDSCAPERS IN THIS TOWN ARE SO FRIENDLY. YOU HAVE MY BUSINESS SIR."

I stood there waiting for the main to give me the estimate on the tree, but he was just standing there like he was waiting for me to do something.  Finally he said, "Um, miss, I need you to sign for these flowers" and I realized he was holding out a clipboard, and that he was not in fact a tree trimmer, but a florist delivery man.

There were two beautiful poinsettias inside the package, and this card from the previous owner.

It's only been seven days so far, but there's been lots of happiness.

And lots of trips to Lowe's.

But let's focus on the happiness.

And the Christmas decorations.

this week rocked

For the past month or so, I have been working from home four days a week.  I'm used to being in the office almost every day, so not only is being home lonely, but the work is....slow.

I thought being home would give me plenty of time to blog, but the problem is that there is nothing exciting happening in my life.  I'm not kidding.  When Matt came home one night last week, there was a FedEx slip on our building door saying that they tried to drop off a package but were unable to get a signature from the resident.

Well, I am here to tell you that they didn't try very hard because I was sitting here ALL DAY LONG and would've loved nothing more than to sign for a delivery.

I was already (still?) in my pajamas when Matt got home, but when he said he was going to drive over to FedEx to pick up the mysterious package, I flew off the couch and had my boots and coat on in record time.

I might have billed the errand as "an exciting adventure" as we headed out to the car together.  Good old Matt tried to play along and match my excitement.  I'd never been to the FedEx office, and as we turned off the main road, Matt said, "Okay, now this is where things get a little crazy."

Things didn't get crazy - we just drove down some windy roads in the rain to the distribution center, but it was still the highlight of my day.  I'd dreamed up all sorts of possibilities about what the package could be, including but not limited to a check for a significant sum of money, luxurious shoes I forgot I'd ordered, or early Christmas presents.  

Turns out it was Matt's diabetic insulin pump, which I guess is exciting in a necessary sort of way.

This past Monday I actually had some meetings scheduled, and I was looking forward to being out and about.  Unfortunately, as I pulled through the tollbooth and merged onto the turnpike, my car beeped and flashed the "low brake fluid" warning light.  I called Matt to see how dire the warning was, and he advised me to turn around and drive home.  "Chances are the sensor is malfunctioning or it's due to the cold weather, but you don't want to be driving with low brake fluid.  You should be fine to get home, but in case the brakes do go out, stay calm, shift into low gear, and pull slowly but firmly on the emergency brake."

Happy Monday.

I returned home with full brake capacity and a medium iced caramel coffee with cream because the Philadelphia Eagles won their game on Sunday which meant FREE DUNKIN DONUTS COFFEE and if I was going to lose brake functioning and get stranded on the side of the road, I would need coffee to keep me company.  

Matt did a full brake check when he got home.  The brake fluid reservoir was full, it didn't appear there was a leak, and the warning light didn't come on again so it appeared that all systems were go for future travel.    

Since I was working from home again on Tuesday, I decided to take Old Blue out for a few spins around the apartment complex parking lot to check the status of the brakes.

In the middle of my first lap, I heard an unusual clicking sound coming from one of the tires,  The frequency of the clicking increased as I increased my speed, so I decided to put my mechanical expertise to use and got out and investigated all four tires,  Eventually I located a giant rock lodged in the front passenger tire.  

Happy Tuesday.

I pulled the rock out because I live on the edge.  I then walked downstairs and looked at the tire every hour, drove a few quick errands yesterday, and drove to my rescheduled meetings today with no problem at all.

So the bottom line is that the rock did no permanent damage to the tire.

Which I know is the best outcome.  

But I was kind of hoping to take a trip to Pep Boys.

65 degrees is my favorite

This pretty much sums up the weekend.  Long live warm fall days.

 

i think the lab needs to take a page out of the post office's book

I had to get some blood work done last week, because WELCOME TO AGE 27.  I made a 9:15 appointment, and even arrived for my appointment with my kindle and my optimism ONE HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLY.  I'm sorry to report that the whole saga took three hours.

The poor phlebotomist seemed very frazzled when she finally called me back at 10:35, and because I don't want someone who is about to poke me with a needle and draw blood to be in a bad mood, I expressed my sympathy at how busy she was.  She apologized profusely and explained that the corporate office has decided to have ONE PERSON working at a time in order to maximize efficiency.

Note to the corporate office: that is not in any way efficient.

I think before the execs made that decision, they should have had to sit for three hours in a small waiting room with seventeen people who haven't had anything to eat or drink in twelve hours.

As I sat in the waiting room reading my book, I drafted a blog post in my head about my predicament that started with "I think I've found the one place on earth more inefficient than my local branch of the United States Postal Service."

And then, since I am a glutton for punishment, I paid a visit to my local post office on Friday to mail a few letters because I am old fashioned and I also have a lot of time on my hands lately that I am using to pen correspondence like I'm Emily Dickinson or something.

Anyway, I walked into the post office and was immediately greeted by the friendliest postal worker I've ever met, and she handed me a water bottle and a soft pretzel in celebration of CUSTOMER APPRECIATION DAY.

I could hardly believe my good luck.

I started to eat my soft pretzel right there in the (long, very long) line, and when she offered a pretzel to man behind me, he said, "No thank you, I just ate a sandwich."

"JUST ATE A SANDWICH?" she said.

"OH HONEY, HOW OFTEN DOES THE GOVERNMENT GIVE YOU SOMETHING FOR FREE?WHEN THE POST OFFICE GIVES YOU SOMETHING FOR FREE, YOU TAKE IT, EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY."

She speaks the truth.

The soft pretzel was the kickoff to a delicious food weekend, and the next night Matt and I decided to order take out for dinner.  We both ordered cheese steaks and a side, or as I like to call them, accessories.  Because I am so health conscious, I selected a vegetable in the form of onion rings for my accessory, and Matt ordered loaded fries.

On the way to pick up dinner, I asked, "So, what exactly is on loaded fries?" and Matt said, with a smile and all of the enthusiasm in the world, "EVERYTHING IN THE BASEMENT!!"  

After a few clarifying questions, we determined that he meant, "everything but the kitchen sink."

I think he might need to spend some serious time reading my recent blog.

Maybe I'll make him an appointment for blood work.

someone started celebrating halloween a day early

My mom and I went out on Friday afternoon and returned home to discover Rosie in the midst of an unauthorized candy binge.  It was hard to get mad at her because she looked so guilty, and also because I've been caught in the exact same situation.

I just can't resist a bag of sweet tarts and some Swedish Fish.

It must run in the family.