next time i'm hoping for a convertible

I've had to do quite a bit of driving for work lately, and since Old Blue is getting up in mileage, I've decided it might be a good time to start renting a car for these longer trips.  Last week my mom and I walked at the park in the afternoon (the spring weather and my mom's hand me down Fitbit have turned me into a new, motivated girl), and she dropped me off at Enterprise after our walk.

As we pulled into the lot, she said, "Wow, look at that fancy Dodge Charger.  I bet that's the car you'll get."

Then, after a scan around the lot, she spotted a plain jane sedan parked on the side and said, "Actually, you will probably that one."

And I agreed with her because I work for a non-profit and all employees are specifically instructed by the Fiscal Hotline to request the most basic car available.

And then I went inside and the man behind the counter said, "Would you like the Dodge Charger today?"

WOULD I EVER?!

I confirmed that the price would not change, because the last thing I wanted was a call from the Fiscal Hotline, and five minutes later I was driving home in a brand new vehicle that had settings for the "climate," and not simply heat or ac, and with the key sitting in the cup holder and not the ignition because TECHNOLOGY IS SO FANCY THESE DAYS AND THE CAR TURNS ON WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON.

I left early the next morning for my meeting and as I merged my spaceship onto the turnpike I realized the Charger really had some get up and go under the hood.  So please imagine my panic when I glanced down at the digital speedometer and saw 91 flashing on the screen.

After I slammed on the brakes I realized the speedometer was set to kilometers per hour.  Whew.

I knew I wasn't going that fast.

I returned the Charger on Thursday night with a heavy heart, but on Saturday morning I was back at Enterprise to pick up a new car for this week.  This time I got a cute Jeep Cherokee, which has a smooth ride and an old school key that actually goes into the ignition just like God and auto mechanics intended.

The Jeep seemed a little simpler and more my "speed," until I went to the gas station.  And had to read the manual to figure out how to open the gas cap.

And then I tried to pop in a CD and learned it has no CD player.  It has a USB port, and an SD card port, but no CD player.

Technology has officially PASSED ME BY.

However, in addition to automatic and four wheel drive, the Jeep does have have settings (options? gears?) for sport and sand/mud.

And I have the Jeep until Saturday.

I think an off road adventure is calling my name.

It's just too bad I won't be able to listen to a CD while I drive through the mud.

what's been going on

We recently cut down the majority of an old crabapple tree in our backyard.  We thought we could do it all in one weekend because the tree looks practically miniature when you're gazing out at it from the kitchen window, but when you're out there chopping it down, it is gigantic.  

Plus, we are working in a swamp because our yard still hasn't dried out from the great garden hose tragedy of 2016.

---------------

I took off of work on Friday to drive to Penn State to pick Emily up for spring break, and my mom let me use her car.  She told me she had some CDs in there, and when I reached into the console, I found this. 

JACK. POT.

I listened three times on my drive there, and started it again for the drive home.  After a few songs Emily rolled her eyes and said, "Wow.  You even sing the instrumental parts."

That's when we turned on the radio.

---------------

Emily had a job interview today and I drove her.  It wasn't even my interview, but I was so nervous on her behalf that I that I was distracted from my driving and drove by the place three times before I could actually turn into the parking lot.   I could tell my navigational issues weren't calming Emily's nerves, so I tried to give her a little pep talk as I attempted to get in the correct lane for the third time.  "Think about it like this Emily," I told her, "It'll be over in an hour.  And you'll either get the job, or you won't."

My motivational speaking tour will be kicking off any day now.

---------------

Annabelle came for a visit this weekend and she's still the cutest baby around.

---------------

Em and I walked outside today.  God bless two digit temperatures that start with any digit 5 and above.

all you need is love and the appropriate level of humidity

One day late last week, I noticed that our neighbor Diane's patio was covered in water.  It was a sunny day and the temps were above freezing, so I figured the icicles on her house were melting.

And then, on Saturday morning, we noticed that our side yard and backyard were filling up with water, which led us to believe that the source of the forming glacier was something more substantial than a few icicles.  

Since the temperature was about, oh, FIVE DEGREES, we assumed that Diane had a frozen pipe that burst.  When she got home, Matt knocked on her door to alert her to the flood, but she didn't answer.  So, we went on with our lives like newbie homeowners without an insurance-related care in the world and woke up on Sunday to a pond in our backyard.

And our side yard.

And a damp crawlspace.

So, we did what any responsible homeowners would do and called the police department for the second time in as many months.

It's only a matter of time until the put us on a do not call list.

When the officer arrived and surveyed the damage, he said, "Whoa.  I've never seen anything like this."

Our neighbor still wasn't home, so the officer and Matt looked around next door, and after searching for the source of a few puddles the officer discovered that the water was actually coming from the next house up.

Specifically, their garden hose.

Which they'd left on, running at a moderate to full blast.

I peeked out the kitchen window while the officer woke up the homeowner and she came outside in her pajamas to learn that her garden hose had been running for days and flooding the yards of the next five houses and probably racking up quite the water bill.

Ironically, while there were six inches of water in our backyard, the inside of our house was hovering around 12% relative humidity.  By comparison, the annual average humidity in the Sahara desert is 25%.  We'd purchased a humidifier the week before, but it broke and flooded and ruined our bureau and I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

But, it was AWFUL.  Every time we touched a light switch, sparks flew.  Our voices were hoarse.  And both Matt and I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday because of dry air.

HOW HIGH MAINTENANCE IS THAT?

Finally, at 2 am, as I leaned over the glass of water on my nightstand and took deep, dramatic breaths, Matt said, "Do you want me to go to WalMart and buy a humidifier?"

Forget the Valentine's Day chocolates and flowers.  True love is a man who is willing to go to WalMart in sub zero temperatures at 2 am to buy you a humidifier.

In the end, we decided to tough it out.  We'd ordered a new humidifier online and it arrived Tuesday, around the same time that our backyard started to dry out.

And Matt did get me beautiful flowers for Valentine's Day.

I've done some research on orchids, and they can last forever, as long as the humidity is right.

One way or another, I think we can make that happen.

10 things you don't want to hear or say during a home renovation. and we've heard and said them all.

"I'm going to turn the power back on.  If you see smoke or hear a loud pop, run."

"This project might require me to rent a dump truck."

"Do you smell some sort of burning smell or is that just me?"

"I saw on Pinterest..."

"The floor needs just one more coat of polyurethane."

"Well, that paint color is brighter than expected."

"I think I measured wrong."

"Uh oh.  The paint leaked through the drop cloth.  Onto the freshly refinished floors."

"Let skip the wallpaper removal and just rip the walls down and put up new drywall."

"Well, we know for next time not to leave the door open before we sand the hardwood floor for four hours or the whole house will get really dusty."

snow and dinner and chocolate milk

As I believe I've mentioned a time or twelve, I've been under a travel ban at work since October, which meant I could only leave my home office one time per week.

I wouldn't necessarily consider myself an outgoing person, but being home alone, all day, four days a week was killing me.  I am my own biggest fan and I was even getting tired of myself.  The travel ban was lifted last Thursday, and because I felt like a free woman, I scheduled a meeting for 9:30 the next morning.

And the next morning, it snowed.  The roads were just wet, but because I hate driving in any form of winter precipitation, I left two hours early to drive 30 miles. 

This week, I had another morning meeting scheduled, and when I opened the door to leave I saw this outside.  

I PANIC when I have to drive in actual snow, so I decided to turn on the news to check the weather and traffic.  However, we canceled our cable this week, and the only channel we are currently getting is the local ABC affiliate in SARASOTA, FLORIDA.  Well, according to Suncoast 7, the weather was just lovely.  Not a snowflake in sight.

So I took eight thousand deep breaths, put on my big girl snow boots, and headed out.  And I made it around the block before I turned right around and came home and waited an hour for everything to melt.  

------------------------

During the past few months, I have become a self-professed meal planning pro.  And then Tuesday the wheels fell off and I realized I had no dinner plan. It was snowing outside, of course, which meant I was not venturing out to the grocery store for ingredients and had to work with what I had.

I employed the strategy of "If you put enough cheese on it, it will be delicious."  

When Matt came home from work and asked what was for dinner, I actually said the words, "Tuesday Pantry Surprise."

At least it wasn't my other cleverly named go-to last minute option, a YOYO dinner. 

You're On Your Own.

--------------------

Matt usually wakes up at least an hour before I do.  He kisses me goodbye, but he gets dressed in the pitch dark so  as to not wake me because I am a girl who enjoys her sleep.  This morning, because I had another early meeting (BACK TO THE REAL WORLD), we were up at the same time.

And at 6:15 in the morning, he carried on the most chipper conversation about how turkey lunch meat tastes better when it's "ruffled" on a sandwich as opposed to laying flat, just like chocolate milk tastes better when the chocolate is added after the milk is poured into the glass as opposed to before, and how he couldn't believe I've never tried Ovaltine.

You know what I think about at 6:15 in the morning?  Where is my coffee and how hot can I get the shower?

Opposites attract.

at least i didn't write crossfit

I had a doctor's appointment first thing Monday morning, and when I checked in, the receptionist handed me an updated patient information form to complete.

I LOVE filling out forms like that, and the questions started out pretty basic.  Do you wear your seat belt in the car?  Do you smoke?  Has your insurance information changed?

And then, I got to the question "Do you exercise?"

I wrote "yes."

The next question was "If yes, how often?"

I wrote "three times per week."

The next question was "What type of exercise?"

And here is where I cannot explain what sort of dishonest, self-inflated athletic version of myself took over, but before I realized what was happening, I'd written "jogging."

 JOGGING?!

My mom and I walk moderately paced laps around the local mall every few days.  That is the extent of my exercise routine.

In fact, I jog so infrequently that I can remember the last time it happened.  It was Memorial Day weekend TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN.  Michelle and I had rented a place down the shore and had to catch the jitney to the bar. and we jogged about a block to the jitney pick up stop.

But there, in ink, on an official medical document, I claimed I was a jogger.  I panicked for a few seconds.  I certainly couldn't cross it out and write "walking," because that would look dumb.  I also couldn't ask the receptionist for a new form due to grossly exaggerating my exercise level, so I just left it there and hoped that the doctor wouldn't choose to question me about my jogging habits.

And thankfully, she didn't say a word about it.

But I feel like I should jog this week.

Although, maybe I should wait until Memorial Day.  Why break tradition?

and i was the english major

My brother and sister and I have a group text, and it really gets busy during election season.  Last Monday, as the Iowa caucus results came it, let's just say there were a lot of corny jokes.

It was a-maize-ing.

I knew the group text would be busy on Saturday night because of the Republican debate, but I didn't realize we would be discussing such controversial topics.

Can't wait until convention season.

all 732 trips to home depot were well worth it

Back in December I wrote about tackling our first room renovation in our new house - my office.  This picture of the office is from the online listing.  You can obviously see why we couldn't pass up this house! 

And this is what it looked like the day we moved in.

After we pulled up the carpet, we discovered that the floors had some sort of stain on them, and not the kind of stain that's supposed to be on a hardwood floor.  It took a LOT of sanding (And dust. Oh the dust.  I am still dusting.) and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide to bleach the stain out.

Then it was time to paint the walls, stain the floor, and put up new baseboards and window woodwork. 

And now, it looks like this. 

We still need to get blinds and hang some things on the walls, but I love it.

 My new office called for a new coffee mug.

 I'm going to need that coffee to tackle the next project - wallpaper.

no ifs, ands, or butts about it

It seems hard to believe that last Sunday we were digging out from two feet of snow, and this week it was warm enough to go for a long late afternoon walk outside.

In a light jacket.

With no gloves.

I walked a new route this afternoon.  Down the hill and around the church on the next block.  It was lovely.

As I walk I like to look at houses and get decorating ideas.  Most people have their outdoor decor away for the winter, but as I rounded a corner I could see a house up ahead with lots of decorations on their lawn.

As I got closer, this is what I saw.

A skeleton.  Riding a bicycle.  Next to a statue of the Blessed Mother and a deflated Santa.

Wow.

The houses in our neighborhood are all similar styles, but vary a little bit in structure.  Most of the homes have large picture windows in the living rooms, and I think it's so interesting to see how people decorate them.  Lots of people have large vases with flowers.  Some have candles.  There is one house with all different colored glass vases.

And then, I came upon this house.

It's a little difficult to see, and to that I say YOU'RE WELCOME IN ADVANCE, but in the window are various statues of, well, butts.

It's like A Christmas Story gone R rated.

Maybe I'll walk around a different block next time.

we certainly didn't go hungry during the blizzard of 2016

Well, Matt just looked over at me and asked, "Have you ever wondered what the oceans would be like with no water?"

After I told him that no, that's not a topic I've ever pondered, he said, "With water-less oceans, we would be living on giant mountains.  And mountains are like the goosebumps of Mother Earth."

Basically what I'm saying is we have been snowed in long enough.

All last week the weather reports called for a big storm Friday and Saturday, but since the meteorologists cried blizzard one too many times last year only to see storms that "significantly under-performed" and had "high bust potential," I figured we'd get ten inches tops.

However, I did go to the grocery store on Friday just to see how crazy it was, and also because Matt had texted me that morning that he'd run into the store before work to secure milk, and he left it in his truck which he'd parked in the grocery store parking lot.  I went to get the milk out of his car and discovered he'd purchased two big gallons of top of the line organic milk.

Well.  There is a man who bought into the hype.

I also purchased the blizzard necessities while I was at the store, which was experiencing Thanksgiving busyness times ten, including the following items that made complete sense to me while I was shopping but didn't quite make as much sense once I got home: cottage cheese, a jar of gravy, trail mix, a pack of chicken breasts, three Asian pears, a giant bag of broccoli, and syrup.  With the exception of the chicken and the broccoli, we don't eat any of those items on a regular basis.  But if we wanted them during the BLIZZARD OF 2016, we'd have them.

And could wash them down with a glass of organic milk.

The snow started falling on Friday evening and didn't let up for 26 hours, leaving us with a final total of about 25 inches.  Matt could hardly sleep on Friday night and when we woke up he bounded down to the kitchen to make his Famous Snow Day Breakfast which included chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

It was cold and windy and we spent the day alternating between trying to keep up with the snow removal and lounging on the couch watching wall to wall snow coverage which is my favorite thing to do.  Nothing beats ten hours of watching poor news reporters stand in desolate intersections, sticking their rulers in snow drifts and interviewing snow plow drivers and the occasional gas station customer.  I love it.

I also read, sewed, and drank more mugs of coffee and tea than I could count.

We also decided to roast a turkey and make a complete Thanksgiving dinner, so it's a good thing I picked up that gravy on Friday.

The snow was over when we woke up this morning, so Matt made eggs (in a heart) for breakfast and we cleared the driveway one last time.

Then we made a run to Walmart for salt because we didn't have any, which was a ROOKIE HOMEOWNER MISTAKE.  But the power was out at Walmart and Lowe's was out of salt, so we came back home to continue relaxing.

I just found out that my meetings for tomorrow are canceled, so it looks like another day at home for me.

I just wish that meant another delicious breakfast.

But I can have milk.  And cottage cheese.

i'll shred 30 cups of cheese for her birthday, but that might be my limit

I am sitting here on Monday night trying my hardest to think back to Friday, and it feels like it was  so long ago.

That's how you know you had a good weekend.

I do remember that Friday involved a staff meeting that lasted 30 minutes longer than planned because expense reports were on the agenda, and expense reports always go hand in hand with controversy and an extended discussion about mileage and points of origin.

After work I went to my parents' house.  They were hosting my niece's baptism party on Saturday afternoon, and since my mom was fighting a little cold I dropped by to offer my culinary expertise.  I'm proud to announce that my culinary expertise is increasing now that I have my very own gigantic yet outdated kitchen to cook in.

(I know you're jealous of that wallpaper and sweet wood paneling.  Not to mention the fancy faux brick vinyl floor and plastic wood ceiling beams. I have BIG DREAMS for our summer '16 remodel.)

But, I still wasn't prepared for what my mom told me when I arrived.

"Okay, we are making macaroni and cheese.  And we have to triple the recipe."

Triple?  

You mean 1 3/4 cups TIMES THREE? 

I haven't done math like that since the fifth grade.

I don't know if my mom saw the fear in my eyes, or if she was tipped off when I asked for a pen so I could work out the actual math problems, but she saved the day with the suggestion that we first double the recipe, and then make a single third batch.  She made me feel better by saying that strategy would work better with regards to ratios and ingredients, but part of me thinks she doubted my math skillz.

Which is a completely legitimate concern.  

In addition to successfully doubling the recipe, I must add that I single-handedly shredded TWENTY SEVEN CUPS of cheese.   

I can honestly say there are very few people in the world I'd shred twenty seven cups of cheese for.  

Annabelle is one of them.  Can you blame me?

The baptism and the party went off without a hitch and Annabelle couldn't have looked cuter or been a more perfect goddaughter. 

Also, I can now add godmother to my resume. 

 And professional cheese shredder.

a glimpse into the life of a lottery winner

Matt had off of work on Friday and had big plans to insulate the crawlspace in a valiant effort for optimal energy efficiency.  He'd gone out on Thursday night and bought twelve rolls of insulation so he could jump right in on Friday.  When the time came, he enthusiastically shimmied into the crawlspace only to shimmy right back out and cancel the project because THE CRAWLSPACE WAS ALREADY INSULATED.

I thought he'd done the proper recon before going to all the trouble to buy and transport the insulation but evidently not.  So we spent Friday evening returning twelve jumbo rolls of insulation to Lowe's.

Whoops.

In Matt's defense, the insulation in the crawlspace didn't look like traditional insulation.  But still, word about the mishap traveled fast because a few hours later we went to my brother in law's house and he and his girlfriend had already heard the story.  We ate dinner with them and then Matt and his brothers went outside to make a fire in the fire pit.  It was freezing so I stayed inside with my sister in law and nephew and tried to get him to walk on his own by luring him with exciting things like the remote control and chocolate chip cookies, which are pretty much the two things I'll get off the couch and walk for.

But he completely refused to have any part in walking.  And then we got a video on Sunday of him walking all the way across the room like he'd been doing it for years.  I guess he doesn't like an audience.


On Saturday Emily came over to spend the day with us which was very exciting and involved things like shopping for groceries and a new winter coat for Matt.  Matt has high coat standards.  He is currently searching for a dressy, warm coat with a hood, no fur of any kind, and it must be waterproof, but not feel waterproof because he does not like that texture, and he likes the brand London Fog.

We are looking for the unicorn of outerwear.

Sunday was the day we found out that we'd won the lottery.  After we called an attorney and an accountant, we talked about what to do with all our money.  Since we only won four dollars that conversation didn't take very long.

It was sixty degrees outside so we (Matt) took advantage and painted some woodwork on the back porch.  Then we put another coat of polyurethane on the office floor.  I was ready to relax after that, but we asked ourselves WWCAJD (What Would Chip and Joanna Do), and decided to tackle some wallpaper removal in the master bedroom.

 The wallpaper has actually been a hit with the over 70 crowd who has visited our house, but I wasn't thrilled with the idea of vines with grapes and various berries on the walls of the master bedroom.

So down it came.

And this is where we currently stand on that project.

The worse the before picture, the better the after, right?

Please say yes.

If not, I might use some of our lottery winnings and hire a professional for this job.