i fought the law, and the law was surprisingly accommodating

Well, last week I swallowed my pride and marched right into city hall to explain my little meter mishap.  The woman I spoke with was extremely understanding and after a few clicks of her computer mouse, declared me parking ticket-free.

Crisis averted.

As I mentioned in my last post, my parents were away for the weekend so I spent a few days back at home holding down the fort with Emily.  I arrived after work on Friday, and I took my things right upstairs to put in the guest room, which is the bedroom I lived in until I moved out in December.  I've seen it since I moved out, but this time the furniture was rearranged and the shelves were cleared, and I said to Emily, "Wow!  It looks so different in here!"

"Yeah," she said, "except the curtains are still upside-down, which is how you hung them whenever you got them."

Four years I lived with those curtains.  Never once did I realized that they were hanging upside down.

And now I'm thinking maybe I should have majored in interior design.

On Saturday we woke up early because we had things to do and cars to drive.  That's right.  Emily just got her driver's permit, so Saturday morning we took a trip over to a local office park so that she could get behind the wheel.  She had gone out with my dad twice before, and I was impressed with her skillz.  After a little bit I decided that she could use some more work on her turns, and at that exact moment A BRILLIANT THOUGHT popped into my head.  

I directed Emily toward two islands with some decorative shrubbery and told her to drive figure eights around them.

She put that car right into park faster than you can say turning radius, looked at me, and said, "OH NO. NO WAY.  I AM NOT DRIVING DRIVING FIGURE EIGHTS AROUND THOSE BUSHES."

The reasoning behind her refusal had something to do with the fact that she will likely never have to actually drive figure eights on the roadway, but to that I say, YOU NEVER KNOW.

However, for the rest of the session we steered clear of any trick maneuvers.

Steered clear.  Get it?

 Lest you think our afternoon o' fun ended there, let me assure you that it did not.  After our driving session we went to the car wash because OH THE DAMAGE that the pollen is doing to my car.  I even shelled out a few extra bucks for the Special Rainbow Polish because I was feeling fancy and fiscally frivolous.  It really just looked like a lot of blue soap.

 

 The rest of the weekend consisted of Matt taking us out for dinner, lots of singing (me) and subsequent eye rolling (Em) and then renting one of the worst movies of all time.  We were about twenty minutes in when Emily looked at me and said, "Well if YOU want to watch something else, I wouldn't be mad."  You better believe I had Made of Honor in that DVD player in twenty seconds flat.  HELLOOOO Patrick Dempsey.

On Sunday we ate chicken pot pies for lunch and then went driving once more.  I wanted to give Emily another opportunity to have a lesson with one of the World's Greatest Drivers.  

I just won't be giving her any advice on parking meters.

i think these shades really make a statement

My parents are away for a few days so I'm back home holding down the fort with Emily.

And also putting fashionable accessories on the dog and taking her picture.

I'm sure she's so happy I'm here.

fighting city hall

 I should have known that today wasn't going to go well when I reached up to put my hair behind my ear on the drive to work and realized that I hadn't put any earrings in.  Since I got my ears pierced eleven years ago, I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone without earrings.  To me, forgetting earrings is worse than forgetting shoes.  I am not myself without them.  

And of course I couldn't forget my earrings on an ordinary day.  No, today was the day I was going to meet the two new lawyers who will be working with our office.  I may or may not have sat down dramatically at my desk this morning and cried WHAT WILL THE NEW LAWYERS THINK OF ME?  WOULD IT BE WEIRD IF I MENTIONED TO THEM THAT I NORMALLY DO WEAR EARRINGS?

My coworkers informed that yes, that would be weird, and so all morning I practiced a hair-shake maneuver that caused my lovely locks to fall over my plain ears so that when I met the new bosses they wouldn't think, "I wonder why Laura wasn't wearing earrings."  

Of course I knew that there was also the possibility that they might think "Gee I wonder Laura kept shaking her hair over and over like that," but listen, everything's a tradeoff and that's a risk I was willing to take.

After the introductions I had to go over to the courthouse to drop something off.  I knew I would just be a few minutes, so instead of using my parking pass to park in the garage across the street, I decided to gather up some loose change and pay to park on the street.  This reasoning behind this strategic decision was two-fold, because not only was I feeling moderately lazy, but also it was drizzling outside and I could not afford to ruin my hair when it was the only barrier between my un-bedazzled ears and the rest of the world.

In recent months the parking department has done away with individual meters and instead installed one kiosk on every block.  And so, after I parked Old Blue in spot 106, I strolled over to the kiosk and put in a whopping $1.35.  I thought I could have gotten away with just a dollar but decided to throw in a little extra in case I was inside longer than expected.  ALWAYS THINKING AHEAD, I AM.

I will now present Exhibit A, my receipt.

 

 I went inside, did what I had to do, and came out.  I rounded the corner and Old Blue came into sight, and what to my wondering eyes should appear but a ticket in her windshield wipers.

I will now present Exhibit B, my ticket.

I stood by my car completely puzzled for several seconds.  I fished my receipt out of my bag to verify that I had indeed paid and wasn't losing my mind.  And there I stood in the rain, seeing in black and white that it was only 12:32 and I had enough money to stay in spot 106 until 12:57.

And that's about when I realized that my car was actually parked in spot 105.

SMOOTH.

I hung my head and drove back to the office where I promptly sought legal advice.  I made sure to ask one of the lawyers who has been there a while because I didn't want my first impression on the new lawyers to be HI, I'M LAURA AND NOT ONLY DID I FORGET TO WEAR EARRINGS TODAY AND AS A RESULT AM ALL OUT OF SORTS, BUT IT APPEARS I CANNOT HANDLE BASIC STREET PARKING.  NOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO ME TO COMPLETE ANY OFFICIAL LEGAL TASKS?

Anywho I was advised to take the ticket and the receipt to the parking office and explain my situation.  Although I don't know if I have much of an explanation other than "OOPS."  

And so tomorrow on my lunch hour I will be fighting city hall.  

And you can bet that I will be wearing my fanciest earrings.

it's like sonic running out of tots

Saturday was my favorite kind of day.  My eyes opened for the first time around 9:30, and I lounged around for an hour or three while I drank my coffee and read and wandered around the apartment looking out the windows and thinking, "I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO TODAY!!"

After all of that relaxing I got dressed and ready for the afternoon, which consisted of painting my nails and watching Lifetime TV with Michelle and hot rolling my hair just for fun.

After a while Michelle and I decided to clean the apartment from top to bottom.  In just over an hour, we had cleaned every inch of the apartment, even scrubbing the kitchen floor on hands and knees because WE MEANT BUSINESS.  I think Michelle may even have said, "Go big or go home" when she broke out the can of fancy orange-scented Pledge.

Once the apartment was clean I decided to go get my car washed.  There is a place near my office where you can get your car washed for just THREE AMERICAN DOLLARS and let's be honest, you can't beat that price.  

Unless it was two dollars.  

Anyway I had to swing by the bank before I went to the car wash because I didn't have any cash and I was unsure if the car wash accepted debit cards.  And I didn't want to find out that they didn't take cards when my tires were already on the track and Old Blue was about to be doused with three dollar soap.  Could you imagine maneuvering your way out of that situation?  I would be willing to bet that the motorists behind me in line wouldn't appreciate my failure to research acceptable payment types.

It was about 3:30 when I drove to the bank, and as I drove I thought about how happy I am that PNC is my bank.  They are so friendly and have great hours and I even composed a letter in my head to the big bosses telling them that PNC should stand for "Pretty Nice and Convenient."

As soon as I pulled into the parking lot I noticed that there was only one car in the lot.  Typically Saturday afternoons are busy at the bank, and I laughed as I looked at that one lonely car and thought, "NOW WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF THE BANK WAS OUT OF MONEY?"

And then I walked up to the ATM and saw this message.

 

 And no, it wasn't funny.

It was Pretty Not Cool.

 I turned Old Blue around and went home, which was ultimately a poor decision because you will never guess where my dirty, pollen covered car ended up the next day.

In a valet parking line.

That's right.  I went to a wedding shower at a fancy place where valet parking was the only option.  I've never had a valet park my car before and I am almost embarrassed to admit that I was nervous handing over the keys.  Would he turn the lights off?  Would he put the emergency brake on if he parked on even a slight incline like I do?  Would he press the lock button twice just to be sure?

The good news is that Old Blue was returned to me safe and sound at the end of the shower.  The bad news is that there was no complimentary car wash, so tomorrow I will make another attempt to go to the car wash.  

Here's hoping the bank found some cash.  

next time i'm requesting the ground floor

Well hello.  How are you?  I am away on a work trip right now, watching Million Dollar Pools and trying to decide which bed to sleep in.  Since I started this job in September, I have been on several overnight trips, and as such, have become an expert in the whole hotel thing.  My arrival routine has been perfected, and I can check in, unload my bags, park my car, fill the ice bucket, and locate the vending machine in about thirteen minutes flat.

I was going to attempt a personal best twelve minute arrival routine today, but unfortunately things did not go as planned.  When I checked in, the woman at the front desk told me that my room would be on the fifth floor, and that although the lobby appeared to be the ground floor, it was actually the third.  

Since that meant I only had to go up two floors to get to my room, I decided to take the steps and just count that as my exercise for the...week.  

I climbed up the two flights of stairs, but when I opened the door into the hallway, all of the room numbers started with 6.  I figured that in my quest for convenient exercise, I had inadvertently gone up an extra flight.  

OH, I AM ALWAYS DOING THAT!

Not really.

Anyway, it seemed like an easy enough fix to just walk down one flight of stairs from the 6th to 5th floor.  So that's what I did.  But when I opened the door, all of the room numbers started with 4. 

WELL COLOR ME CONFUSED.

Since I couldn't figure out how the stairs worked, I figured I would have to give the elevator a try, an option that also gave me cause for slight concern because I've been known to commit an elevator navigation faux pas or two in my day.

Luckily there was some literature in the elevator informing perplexed patrons like myself that floors 4 and 5 are actually on the same level.

BECAUSE THAT IS LOGICAL AND NOT AT ALL UNUSUAL.

 Finally, and I do mean FINALLY, I located my room on the 4th/5th floor, and I am sad to report that it's not quite as fancy as the other hotels I've stayed in.  The pillows aren't as fluffy, the carpet isn't as plush, and the toilet isn't as...level...

 

Not to mention that sound coming from the mini-fridge mimics an aircraft at take off, and as I was typing this post I pulled out the nightstand to plug in my laptop, and discovered two unidentified pills lying on the floor.

They seem to resemble Advil Liquigels, but I'm just going to follow the old saying and let sleeping dogs unidentified medication lie.

After I surveyed the accommodations, I decided to unpack my things right away before I got settled in with my new Damsel in a Dress nail polish and some HGTV.  And five minutes later the bathroom counter looked like this.

  

 All of this equipment for a trip that's less than 48 hours long.  Not pictured is a set of hot rollers that I brought along JUST IN CASE.

No one will ever say that I travel lightly.

Or that I'm low maintenance.

On the bright side, at least I'll look good if I get lost in the stairwell again.

just because

Matt and I are going camping this weekend.  In a tent.  In the woods.  Which will be a far cry from the way we have spent our last two weekends, at the weddings of two of my co-workers.  Two Fridays ago and again last Saturday, Matt and I got all dressed up and ate fancy food and had intelligent conversations about politics and constitutional rights and how we can't believe Jessica Simpson is STILL PREGNANT.  I felt very grown up and elegant.

Except for the moment during cocktail hour when I drifted a little further away from my strategic position next to the door to the kitchen than I would have liked.  The server came out with a fresh tray of appetizers and I was afeared that I might not get my hands on one.  Luckily Matt sensed my panic and started to walk over to the server.

And then before I knew what I was doing I called after him, "GO MATT!  BE AGGRESSIVE!"

DON'T GET BETWEEN ME AND A SPOONFUL OF CHICKEN SALAD WITH GRAPES AND ALMONDS NESTLED INSIDE A MINIATURE PASTRY.

I doubt that I will be eating any of those in the woods this weekend, but oh how I wish I could.  They have changed my life for the better.

I talked to Matt a little while ago and he asked if there was a particular campsite job I was dying for.  I graciously offered to provide a real live musical soundtrack for the weekend, EVEN TAKING REQUESTS, but I don't think that was quite the answer he was expecting.  And so I volunteered to search around in the woods for sticks that we might need to use for kindling/marshmellow roasting/self-defense.

I will report back on how that goes.

---------------------------------------------------------

On a completely unrelated note, I just cleaned out my purse and found the fortune cookie from my sushi lunch the other day, so I ate it OF COURSE.  And here is my fortune.

I'm not sure how to take this exactly, but I guess the person who wrote it thinks praying only gets you so far.

What I need to know is whether chicken salad with grapes and almond nestled inside a miniature pastry falls under "want" or "need."

Please say need.

next time i'm getting fried chicken

One morning last week I had to go to a hearing at the courthouse, and there just so happened to be some GALE FORCE WINDS going on that morning.  I was so preoccupied with the task of keeping my hair from getting blown into my freshly glossed lips that I forgot to grab my work ID when I got out of my car.  The ID that conveniently allows me to bypass security at the courthouse entrance. 

When I got to security I plopped my enormous purse on the moving belt and walked through the scanner.  Which beeped, OF COURSE.  While one of the sheriffs pulled me to the side and waved that little wand tool all around, the sheriff manning the bag screener yelled over to alert me that they had identified some contraband in my purse.

"Excuse me miss," he called, "I think I see a camera in your bag.  And is it also possible that you have some silverware in there?  Specifically, a fork?"

For a few seconds I toyed with the idea of telling him that I must have put the fork in my purse instead of my lunchbox in a moment of absentmindedness, or maybe that I carry a fork around at all times JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

But since I'd hate to lie to an officer of the law, I just said, "Yes sir, that is quite possible."

And then I watched him put my contraband into a plastic bag, label it with my name and phone number, and tell me to pick it up on my way out.

After the hearing I had to go to the security desk and tell the sheriff on duty that "My name is Laura, and I am here to pick up a Sony Cyber Shot camera and a...fork."

That was fun.

Fast forward to yesterday.

I had another hearing, but this one was in the city.  After we were finished my boss asked if I wanted to walk a few blocks to get sushi, to which I said yes because HOW FANCY AND SOPHISTICATED.

Problem was I had never eaten sushi before.  And when my rainbow roll came out wrapped in salmon that was probably swimming in a cool mountain stream JUST THAT MORNING, my panic level rose to a 7.  I took a long swig of my peach Snapple and prepared to dig in.

Except I couldn't find my fork.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THAT I WAS ONLY PROVIDED WITH CHOPSTICKS.

THIS LUNCH WAS GOING DOWNHILL FAST.

 My performance was less than perfect, but I managed to make the chopsticks work.  And I ate the sushi even though I typically prefer my lunch to be, you know, COOKED. 

And as we left the restaurant I thought that maybe it's not such a bad idea to carry a fork in my purse at all times.  JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

elegant emily

The weather was gorgeous last Sunday, so I called Emily and asked if she wanted to go for a walk in the woods with me.  When I arrived to pick her up, she came downstairs in a pink blouse, a long, flowing skirt and platform flip flops with pink sequin straps. 

Not really the look I was expecting.

I've known Emily for her entire life, and if there's one thing I've learned about her over the last sixteen years it is that if she has her mind set on something, NO ONE CAN CHANGE IT.

And on Sunday she had her mind set on that skirt and those flip flops.

And so I set off with my spiffy sidekick.  About ten minutes down the trail we started to walk down a slight incline.  And Emily started to regret her choice of footwear.

 It was a little dicey there for a few minutes but Em and her flip flops made it safely to the bottom of the hill.

Where we encountered this sign.

Turns out Emily was breaking every rule but number one.

But at least she looked like a movie star doing it.

whoops

 Since my brother and I have both recently moved out, there are now two empty bedrooms back at home.  That means that Emily was finally able to move out of the teeny tiny room where she's spent the last 16 years and into the gigantic room my brother used to have.   Along with the upgrade came some redecorating, and last Friday I went home to see the finished room.  It is adorable and BRIGHT and after I spent a few minutes looking around I climbed on the bed and Emily and I caught a cases of the giggles.  We took several photographs, most of which ended up looking like this...

Emily had the soundtrack from the movie A Walk to Remember playing, and I thought I would burst with joy when I heard the song Someday We'll Know.  I hate to toot my own horn but I sound pretty much EXACTLY LIKE MANDY MOORE when I sing it.  

I ended up getting a little bit carried away with the opportunity to showcase my Mandy Moore-esque vocals, and recorded myself belting out a verse on my iPhone. We replayed the video on my phone and it turns out that I sound a lot more like Mandy Moore in my head than I do in reality, but we laughed hysterically when we listened to it.

Fast forward to last Monday.  

There was an event going on at the courthouse and the paralegals from my office were invited.  A coworker and I decided to head over together, and I offered to drive because my car was parked closer and I am a wee bit lazy when it comes to how far I have to walk in heels in excess of 1.5 inches.  The two of us hopped in Old Blue and even though the drive to the courthouse takes less than five minutes, I plugged my phone into the stereo system.  

Looking back to that moment in the car I should have just left the regular radio station on.  Hindsight, it really is 20/20.  But no.  I had to go and play with fire.  After I plugged the phone in, I selected "Play USB," and cranked the volume up.

I think you know where this is going.

Guess what came blasting out the speakers.  

ME.  

SINGING MANDY MOORE.

I turned the volume down as soon as I realized what was going on, but it was too late.  My coworker was silent for a few seconds, and then looked at me and said, "Was that............you?"

Yes.  Yes it was.  You mean to tell me that you don't record yourself enthusiastically performing cover versions of songs by 90s pop stars and then play them over the speaker system in your car?

I THOUGHT EVERYONE DID THAT.

By the time we got to the courthouse we were laughing so hard we had tears running down our cheeks because really, WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO? 

At least I had a funny co-worker in my car, and not a detective.

Silver lining.

this probably wouldn't work well as a getaway vehicle

It's really a shame that the driver of this van doesn't know anything about color and flair.

 

spring

The weather was gorgeous today, so this afternoon I went to a park that I just discovered and took a long walk.  I could not get over the pinks and greens and bright blue sky.  

 

It was beautiful.

Happy Easter.

i've never posted more beautiful pictures

I am so happy that tomorrow is Thursday.  This week has gotten better each day, but I will be honest.  This week and I did not start off on good terms.  I'm not one of those people who hates Mondays.  I mean, I'm not jumping for joy when the alarm goes off, but in general I accept them because they come around every seven days and CARPE DIEM and all that.

Until two days ago.  Two days ago I suffered from a bad case of The Mondays.  The first hour or so was fairly pleasant, but then I arrived at work and had to stare reality STRAIGHT IN THE FACE.  And the reality was that I apparently did A LOT of talking at work last Thursday and Friday and not a whole lot of working.  

That meant that I had a lot of little things to finish up because last week I put conversations about lip stain vs. lip stick and hypothetical breakfast food combinations before actual work, and OH, A LESSON I DID LEARN.

I also learned that Cover Girl makes the best lip stain and that a toasted flatbread, turkey bacon, and peanut butter is an unexpectedly delicious breakfast, so I guess it wasn't a total loss.

By 10:00 on Monday I was making some solid work-related progress and was feeling SUPER FOCUSED AND NOT ONE BIT DISTRACTED BY THOUGHTS OF MAKEUP OR MEALS, when I had to unexpectedly go to a court hearing.  Normally that would not be a problem.  However, when I got dressed on Monday morning I made the poor decision to sport these bad boys.

And despite what is portrayed on The People's Court with Judge Marilyn Milian (weekday afternoons at 2!) you're not really supposed to wear leopard print high heels in the courtroom.

Especially when you're the paralegal.

Unfortunately I didn't have an extra, more understated pair on hand, so my shoes and I headed over to the courthouse where I sat in the back of the courtroom and thought about how untrue the quote, "Confidence is your best accessory" really is.  

The saying should actually be, "A sensible pair of plain black high heels is your best accessory"  BUT WHO AM I TO REWRITE HISTORY?

My leopard kicks and I got back to the office just in time for lunch, which delighted me because if there's one thing that can put a smile on my face it's a solid meal.  I sat down at my desk and took a giant spoonful of yogurt and almost got sick.  

I looked at the label on the container.  

Black forest cake flavored yogurt.  

Yogurt was on sale 10 for $10 on Sunday, so I BOUGHT TEN OF COURSE.  I must have gotten so caught up in the low price excitement that I just grabbed the first ten containers without reading the flavors, because out of the ten yogurts that I purchased, eight were flavored like baked goods.

Call me crazy, but if I want to eat something that tastes like a Boston Creme Pie, I want to actually eat A SLICE OF BOSTON CREME PIE.  The same goes for lemon meringue pie, key lime pie, and peach cobbler, all of which are yogurt flavors that I have eaten this week.

I toughed my way through the black forest cake yogurt, encouraged by the fact that there was a light at the end of the tunnel in the form of a delicious banana in my lunchbox for my snack.  I bought a fresh bunch when I was at the store on Sunday, so imagine my dismay when I pulled this out of my lunch box.

 

Apparently when you store a banana in the fridge, it turns brown almost immediately.

Now I know.

Even though this poor banana appeared to be several days past its prime, I still ate it and it tasted normal inside.  I was disappointed though, because everyone knows that a banana with brown skin kind of loses its APPEEL!

See what I did there?

 

 I didn't just purchase an ill-fated banana and yogurt masquerading as delectable desserts at the food store on Sunday.  Oh no.  I also purchased a container of fresh salsa.  And since I was UNDERSTANDABLY STARVING after work on Monday, I opened the container as soon as I got home and as I did, I came up with the brilliant idea to add some of my cilantro to the salsa for a little extra kick!

I haven't used any cilantro yet, so when I opened it up and saw what it looked like, I thought SWEET!  BONUS!  IT'S NOT JUST CILANTRO, IT HAS CARROTS AND GARLIC TOO!!!!!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST SALSA EVER!!!!!!  I AM SO LUCKY AND SUCH A GREAT SPICE SHOPPER!!!!

Upon further inspection, I realized it was not orange and tan because it contained carrots and garlic.  No.  It was moldy. 

Yum.

All jokes aside, I actually am really confused about what happened with this cilantro.  It had never been opened and the package said it was good until SEPTEMBER 2013!  I found it in the cooler section at the store, so I put it in the fridge when I got home and I'm thinking that may be where things went south.

I immediately disposed of the moldy cilantro, and I am happy to report that my life has been mishap-free since Monday evening.

Of course, that may have a little something to do with the fact that I have worn plain back shoes.

And eaten Hot Pockets.

i can't be the only person that does this

 I drive a Ford Focus.  And if I pull into a parking lot and see another Focus, I park right next to it because it cracks me up.  Especially if the other car is blue too.

And I always wonder if the other driver notices.