I am sitting on the couch beside Matt, and he just sighed loudly and said, “Oh man, I keep forgetting to write that letter to Cheez Its.”
I know you’re dying for more information so I will tell you that Matt prefers his Cheez Its with slightly burnt edges. And he thinks that the powers that be over at Sunshine should know that because his new thing is contacting customer service departments. Thanks to his customer services reviews, over the past month or so we have received a free three pack of Jockey t-shirts, a Weather Channel baseball cap, a voucher for a free box of Famous Amos, and a coupon for contact lenses.
I realize that seems like the pastime of someone several generations above us, but wait until I tell you how we spent our Friday night.
We laced up our sneakers after dinner and went power walking at the mall.
I am not kidding.
Actually, we spent several hours at the mall and stayed until closing time, because in addition to the walking we did a LOT of window shopping and spent at least forty minutes in a store that sells brain games.
It was in the brain games store where I learned that Matt possesses the secret talent of being able to separate a chain of solid steel rings that appear to the average person to be inseparable. He is a magician.
Also, color me impressed because I am the girl who cannot even separate the rings on her key chain, and those are actually meant to come apart.
Saturday was rainy, so we decided to throw caution to the wind and do our grocery shopping that afternoon as opposed to our typical Sunday evening grocery shopping routine. We are in month one of Operation New Budget, and so before we left we planned our meals and made a list, and I’m proud to report that we stuck to that list with the exception of an irresistible bag of Tostitos, and a container of fresh cheese curds that I discovered when I opened the fridge this morning.
And then right after we unpacked the food it started to rain outside. It got dark and windy and we had the sliding patio doors open and could hear the rain pouring down. I thought to myself, “self, you should lie down on the couch and close your eyes and take a nap.”
And so I did. For three glorious hours. And when I woke up Matt was STARING at me. “I am SO GLAD YOU ARE FINALLY AWAKE,” he said. “These past three hours I’ve had NO ONE to laugh at my jokes.”
It’s tough to be a comedian without an audience.
After the rain ended I went outside to pull all of the dead plants out of the garden while Matt got burgers ready for the grill. Once I had most of the plants out, I started to turn the dirt over with a rake.
And that's when I discovered that we were infested with snakes.
Matt was in the kitchen, so I screamed, “SNAAAAAAKES,” and I think he actually flew out to the garden.
Much to my dismay, Matt enjoys a reptile. In fact, he grew up with two pet lizards named Ozzie and Harriet and a snake that “somehow got loose” in his mother’s house and was never found.
I get shivers just thinking about that.
Well, my resident reptile expert told me that the snakes were actually earthworms.
In my defense, they were the biggest earthworms I have ever seen.
And after some (admittedly disgusting) research, I think the earthworms may be to blame for the sudden demise of my petunias and impatiens this year.
I think we should write a letter to Lowe's about it. Maybe they'll send us a coupon.