even i didn't know if i could tie together jail, lizards, and candles

A few days ago when I logged into my Facebook account, I saw a status from a guy that I knew in college.  It said something along the lines of, “I was unsure if I should share this information or not, but in the event that anyone has been wondering where I’ve been the last seven days, I’ve been in prison, and it was the most humbling experience of my life.


WELL, A HEARTY WELCOME BACK TO THE FREE WORLD TO YOU, SIR.


Apparently if you spend several years ignoring numerous parking tickets and a noise violation, the long arm of the law will reach out and incarcerate you.  


Note to self: Look into that old noise violation.


Oh, I kid.  I never got a noise violation in college myself, but I did spend sophomore year living in an apartment complex across the street from a pizza shop that sold $1.00 slices and banged a gong for every slice sold after midnight.


I know what you’re thinking.


That is some SOLID GOLD real estate.


That was also the same apartment that had Murphy beds and if I’m being honest, I do miss saying, “well, I guess it’s time to go pull my tiny bed out of the wall.” 

 So while I haven’t exactly spent the last seven days in incarceration like Mr. Noise Violator, I have spent them on the phone with my doctor’s office and a medical device company and earlier this afternoon STEAM ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF MY EARS.  After being transferred from one person to another and sitting on hold for the better part of an hour, the woman who was helping me said, “Let me transfer you to customer service and they can take it from here.


As soon as I was transferred I launched into my well rehearsed “Hi, this is Laura and INSERT MEDICAL SAGA HERE,” and the woman on the other line said, “I’m so sorry but I think you have the wrong number, this a commercial trucking company.”


WELL OF COURSE IT IS.


After I was sufficiently frustrated, Matt and I went out to dinner.  I chose Friendly’s because my culinary palate is very sophisticated.  As we were standing in line at the hostess station, Matt gave the ice cream freezer the once over and then with a sparkle in his eye said, “Do you want to just skip the dinner part, and instead buy an ice cream cake and go back to your apartment and eat the whole thing?”
 

I’ve never loved him more.


But I had a hankering for a munchie mania platter and so we soldiered on in the name of build your own burgers and mozzarella sticks.  


On the way home we drove by Petsmart and in a fit of spontanaeity decided to stop in.  We just wanted to look at the animals but before we went in we agreed that we are NOT currently in the market for any sort of pet.  We browsed the fish aisle for a few minutes and then I wandered over to the rodent department.  I was examining a chinchilla when I looked up to see Matt a few aisles over, ARMS OVERFLOWING with a glass tank and various supplies and equipment.  

 “Whatcha got going on down there?” I asked.


“Oh,” Matt said thoughtfully, “Well...I thought I might get a lizard.”

I will spare you the cliff hanger and tell you that we left the store lizard-less mainly because GROSS.  Although I am not above the impulse pet purchase, as in, during my senior year of college I bought a guinea pig and named her Winnie.


OH I WAS SO CLEVER. 

Winnie lasted about a week in our apartment before my roommates and I cut some airholes in a shoebox, packed Winnie inside, called a cab to take us to Petco, and returned Winnie to the establishment from whence she came.

Because a guinea pig at any price isn't a bargain.


Do you know what is a bargain?  The 2 for $22 candles at Bath and Body Works.  Last night Michelle and I went to the mall and stocked up on some Christmas scents, and then celebrated our purchases with dinner at Plaza Azteca because Feliz Navidad!

We are currently burning fresh balsam and evergreen candles, and our apartment smells like a woodland forest.

Which is a lot better than smelling like a lizard.  

Or a guinea pig.

Or, I'd imagine, a jail. 

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Comments

Hilda said…
Wow, creepy finding a message like that. And have you thought of gettinga bunny? they are so cute and quiet... But they poop and pee... Nevermind, LOL!
Angela said…
I just love your posts. You made my day, girl! :)
Brittany said…
I'm one of the rare few with the self control to enter a pet store and leave unscathed. I think I realized long ago that I can't care for a pet if I can barely care for myself. Also, my local Bath and Body Works - LOOK OUT!
You are hilarious. I'm glad you didn't give in to the lizard, yikes!
blm said…
you always crack me up!
Emily said…
I commend said free inmate for not posting a cryptic status about it. thank *goodness* he just went for it!

and also, incredibly weird.
lacey said…
hahaha your humor slays me. and i can't say i blame the pizza place for banging the gong because i'm sure it's really fun and probably works up a good sweat. and a hearty appetite. hence the $1.00 slices.
ae said…
I love the ice cream cake offer ... definitely a keeper! ;)
Brittany said…
I like the way he thinks-skip dinner and get ice cream cake, brilliant.
Jayda said…
Oh my goodness, I had no idea you could actually go to jail for parking tickets!!! (I don't think I have any right now, but holy moly, I'm definitely going to be more careful!) "Because a guinea pig at any price is not a bargain" I laughed so hard at that. As someone who had hamsters in her childhood, I can say it's SO true!
Angi said…
This entire post had me cracking up. If announcing your stint in jail on Facebook isn't a desperate cry for attention, I don't know what is.

Also, ice cream cake. Forever and ever amen.
Faith said…
haha, def. better than a jail.

and yup, you have the best fiance ever! i'm waiting for the day that my husband suggests ice cream for dinner! and now i'm thinking that i might have to make a trip to Friendly's since i haven't been in forever.

and of course, the only thing i really got out of this post was food. i'm so fat ;)

i guess i could mention the animals but why ....
I love holiday candles! I had no idea that parking tickets would land you in jail for that long! Yikes!

- Jess @ The Odell Yodel

Sarah Alway said…
Okay seriously, sometimes (well, pretty often) people really overshare in their Facebook status, IMHO. I've read about people's miscarriages, bowel movements, etc. on there and I'm like "WHAT?! I didn't need to read that on social media!"

Sarah @ Life As Always
Haley said…
Mmmm Christmas smells! I need to look into some Christmas candles too. I love that you lived across from a pizza place that rang a GONG every time they sold pizza after midnight. How effing annoying is that!!!!?
Winnie the Guinea is great. I always wanted to have a pug JUST so I could name it Doug. Doug the Pug.

http://www.haleyspace.blogspot.com
Amanda Wissmann said…
I. love. this. I was seriously laughing the whole way through! Happy Weekend to yoU!
brooke lyn said…
but for reals winnie the ginnie. pretty freaking funny
Whitney Leigh said…
a gong, huh?

I was going to say I was sold at "murphey beds" but a gong? Where do I sign the lease?

on my way to BandBW right now.
Hilary said…
Those noise violations are vicious! One weekend in college, I was going to introduce my parents to my new boyfriend (who was back for 2nd semester after spending 1st semester in Spain). In our college town, if a property receives 3 noise violations in one year, they cart someone off to jail, even if it wasn't the same person that got the first two. Well, surprise surprise, my boyfriend had a party that night and when the cops showed up, it was lucky #3, so they took him to jail. Needless to say, my parents didn't meet him that weekend. I'm just glad I didn't have to bail him out! (We didn't last too much longer after that.)
Megan said…
Haha a lizard?! I agree, gross! I need get into B&B for some new holiday scents, need to put away my fall scents in a few days!!
Deidre said…
I don't think Impulse Lizard is EVER a good idea! Pet stores are dangerous places. Every time I see one, I WANT ALL THE PUPPIES.
JaneA said…
I also had a small studio apartment while I was in college that had a murphy bed almost EXACTLY like yours! X Jane http://janeheinrichs.blogspot.com
I think if I ever spent 7 days or any days in prison my last thought would be to get on facebook and tell the world.
Rachel said…
I love your seemingly randomly connected anecdotes that somehow do all tie together in the end. :) So sorry about the phone calls and customer service...ugh...that's why I make Angel do any and all phone calling for me.
Baby Sister said…
Hahaha. Awesome. I LOVE Christmas sells. Love, love, love. I'm going to have to hit up Bath and Body Works.
E said…
That's quite the FB status. I'll make sure to avoid outstanding tickets. Or maybe just tickets in general. That seems like an even better plan. I hope you don't have to spend the next week on the phone!
E said…
I tried to leave a comment already, but I'm not sure it worked so I'm trying again.

That picture of you on the tiny murphy bed is hilarious. I hope you don't spend much time on the phone this coming week. That transfer/waiting game is the worst.
Sarah said…
Wow. You really knew some winners in college. ;)
Seriously Kate said…
I Love how random this post is! And I'm so with you on the frustrating constant transfers. And what's even more fun is when it's a computer person. I have learned do just say "customer service." Haha! :)