Well today began just like every day. In other words, I rolled out of bed at 7:10 after hitting the snooze button six times, and walked to the shower with my eyes closed while I vowed to go to bed at 8:00 tonight because I WILL NOT SPEND ANOTHER MORNING FEELING THIS TIRED.
After an hour, a huge cup of coffee, and some Good Morning America, I woke up, and proceeded through the day feeling alert and alive. I spent the morning in court and the afternoon fielding some tough questions.
(I may or may not have agreed to do this. Since I have neither the desire nor the license to
kill hunt, I will not be shooting anything, so it sounds like my job will be
scaring pheasants out of the underbrush.
Obviously I will be the best pheasant scarer the Pennsylvania gamelands
have ever seen.)
(And the most humble.)
Unfortunately the lovely nature in which my day was progressing came to an abrupt halt upon my return home from work.
But before I explain, I must tell you that last night Michelle and I decided that since the holidays are right around the corner, we should get a jump on our Christmas correspondence. Last year we sent out a photo card with a witty message that received rave reviews. In an effort to top that, as well as perhaps FINALLY get an invitation to be on Kathie Lee and Hoda, which is our dream, this year we thought we’d rewrite the lyrics to a popular Christmas tune to summarize the last two years we’ve spent in our apartment.
Do you know the only people who will be interested in that? Our mothers, that’s who. But we pressed on despite the limited scope of our audience. And we came up with the following, sung to the tune of Up On the Housetop:
Here in our town the snow falls,
The dishwasher breaks and the fridge stalls.
The heater only works for one week a year,
Where our rent money goes is not so clear.
Obviously you can see why we fancy ourselves quite the humorists.
We wrote several verses and laughed and laughed because every appliance in our apartment has broken during our residency here and do you know when it’s easy to laugh about broken appliances?
When they’re working.
Anyway, when I got home from work yesterday, I opened the fridge to get a snack, and what to my wondering eyes should appear but a completely dark fridge with a foreboding smell. I didn’t hear any noise to indicate that the fridge was indeed on, so I turned the temperature setting down in hopes that would cause it to kick on. That didn’t work, so unplugged it, waited ten seconds, and plugged it back in, also known as my ACE IN THE HOLE of all mechanical maladies. When even that was unsuccessful, I called the emergency maintenance line because S.O.S.!
Ten minutes later I was in the kitchen in a panic, filling bags upon bags with all manner of frozen mozzarella sticks and popsicles (WHY OH WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY POPSICLES) so that I could take them to my parents’ freezer, when my main(tenance) man Marv (who is at our apartment at least three times a month) knocked.
The door was open so I yelled for him to let himself in, and he nonchalantly waltzed in, completely unconcerned by the fact that I was packing away bottles of coffee creamer like a madwoman.
“Ah, this is going to be an easy fix,” he said slooooowly, “the inspectors were in all the apartments today making sure things are up to code, so they probably just forgot to turn your breaker back on.” He walked over to the breaker box in the closet and LIKE MAGIC, ON CAME THE FRIDGE.
“If this ever happens again,” he said, “you can just check the breaker box to make sure all of the switches are flipped before you call maintenance.”
HELLO MARV, HAVE WE MET?
I am the girl who calls you when our lightbulbs burn out and even flagged you down in the parking lot last winter when my car was flashing a "low brake fluid" warning EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT AN AUTO MECHANIC.
In addition, I already have a lot on my plate learning to become a pheasant scarer. If I am going to become an expert with the electrical breakers, I am going to need some serious time to study that field and perhaps a pamphlet or two with helpful tips and photographic examples.
And some wine.
At least I know that will be perfectly chilled.