Sunday, March 29, 2015

i feel like i'm being watched

There are days when I have no idea what to write about.

And then there are days when inspiration literally lands on my doorstep.

Let me provide some background.

Matt is an Amazon fanatic.  Over the past year, I cannot even count the number of Amazon boxes that have been delivered to our house, and they've been filled with everything from khaki pants to Planter's Peanuts to water filters to engine gaskets to a case of organic white chocolate bars, even though we don't really eat organic white chocolate bars.

I was working from home one day a few weeks ago when I heard a knock on the door, and I opened it to find a delivery man holding an ENORMOUS Amazon box.  It was addressed to Matt, but I texted him to ask if he'd mind if I opened it, because is there anything better than opening a package?  I think not.  However, in the event that Matt had ordered a present for me, I didn't want to ruin his surprise.

It was not a present for me, so major bummer there.

But Matt told me to knock myself out and go ahead and open it, and when I opened the box that giant, plastic, freaky looking hawk was staring out at me.

And I almost had a heart attack.


The woman in the apartment below us has a lot of bird feeders on her balcony, which means that the birds sit on our balcony railing, and leave behind...well...what it is that birds leave behind.

It's not pleasant.

And they're not dainty, pretty, little birds.  They're enormous, gross pigeons that Matt calls rats with wings.

So this giant plastic bird creature was Matt's first move in a strategy to keep the pigeon-rats off of our balcony.  When he got home from work that night I told him very dramatically that, "THIS THING HAS TO GO OUTSIDE IMMEDIATELY.  IT CANNOT LIVE IN OUR APARTMENT.  IT DOES NOT MATCH THE DECOR AT ALL AND IT FREAKS ME OUT.  THOSE EYES FOLLOW ME."

Matt said he'd get a few bungee cords to fasten it to the railing and get it outside right away.  But not before he played a trick on me because the next morning I stumbled into the bathroom and flipped the light switch and this is what I saw.

I almost had a heart attack.

Mr. Hawk was in his new home on our balcony railing by that evening.

Except, instead of deterring the pigeons, he attracted them.  Like they were all old buddies.  Sitting on the railing.  Chatting about the snow and their wives and the stock market.

Needless to say, this camaraderie drove Matt crazy.  Now that the weather is (very, very, VERY slowly) warming up and we plan to spend lots of time on the balcony, Matt decided that today would be the day he'd throw down the decoy gauntlet.  While I washed the dishes, he went out on the balcony to fix things once and for all.  And he came back inside a few minutes later and triumphantly proclaimed, "He's like a real bird now! I rigged it so it looks like he's flying.  No pigeons will be coming to this balcony!"

"Woohoo!" I said, "that's awesome,"  and I continued on with the dishes. 

And then I finished the dishes and walked out of the kitchen and saw this.


That was not the solution that I expected.  And then Matt then taped tin foil all around the railing to deter the pigeons even more and I CANNOT EVEN TALK ABOUT THAT.

I had grand plans for the balcony this summer.  Some colorful Adirondack chairs and plenty of flowers and a nice citronella candle and maybe even some wind chimes.

And now I'll be working around our freaky hanging hawk and tin foil railing.

But at least there won't be any pigeons.

And that is, literally, a silver lining.


Gabrielle said...

oh that animal would freak anyone out

P!nky said...

That is such a scary thing....gah!

Traci said...

OK I TOTALLY get it. We have doves & not the pretty white doves that people release at weddings. Birds ooog me out. Except hummingbirds because they're all cute & fluttery. The doves leave their gifts ALL OVER MY PATIO & the columns in the front of my house. We read that rubber snakes will keep them away. It worked for a little while but apparently the birds are smarter than most of our friends because the birds aren't scared at all but our friends freak out everytime they come to the back door. I'm trying a fake owl next. Apparently, that's supposed to keep them away. The birds are also an alarm clock if I sleep until 7:15 on the weekends. We have a door that goes to the patio in our bedroom & the stupid birds fly into the glass like clockwork for 5 mins. before they go away.

Rebecca Jo said...

Its like Where's Waldo... you never know where this thing is going to be peeking at you at.

I always say you can find ANYTHING on Amazon. This just reinforces that idea.

Christelle said...

I always enjoy reading your blog posts, they give me a good laugh for the day! I hope your pigeon problems are solved! LOL! :)

Brittany said...

Hahahaha...incredible. I'm impressed that he made the thing appear to be flying! If this guy lived in my house, it would be PRANK CENTRAL with all the places I could put it!

Corie M said...

Laura, every post of yours makes me literally laugh out loud! The tin foil is just too much!

BLovedBoston said...

That is hilarious!! But it sounds like you have yourself a pretty smart guy - I can totally see my husband doing that!! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

Erin LFF said...

LOL- omg! You are hilarious, and that would have totally freaked me out more than once too!

Kate at Green Fashionista said...

LOL this is hilarious! It reminds me of the plastic owls (that always freak me out) in parking garages to scare off other critters.

Lisa Loves John said...

hahaha!! Ok, I was seriously laughing out loud when reading this post - too funny!!

Martha Woods said...

I almost spit out my tea reading this! That bird is seriously freaky. I would have to close the blinds!

Niken said...

omg! i thought it was real at first.

AiringMyDirtyLaundry said...

Eek, that would freak me out too. Some of my daughter's dolls freak me out.

Baby Sister said...

Hahahaha!! Oh that is awesome. We sell fake hawks at work to help keep birds away from crops and they kind of creep me out. I don't think I could ever use one. I wish you luck in this adventure!!

Stevie Hanna said...

LOL! Oh my god, this post had me laughing every time I scrolled down and saw the picture of the starring hawk! I wondered why he bought it and then I was like, "oooooooh" when you mentioned poopy birds. Hope you guys find a way to get them to leave so you can enjoy your balcony.

Michelle said...

This is HILARIOUS. I am cracking up. James is also an Amazon fanatic, and I never know what I'm going to find on the porch when I get home.

Jenn @ Business, Life & Design said...

Lololol!!! Oh my goodness. I know what it's like to work around a significant other's "decor" but mine was pretty easy in comparison. Good job with the silver lining pun. I approve!