the only scales i like are the scales of justice

Back in March I got something in the mail I'd been waiting for my entire life.

A summons for jury duty.

I know most people dread jury duty, but between working in the legal field and watching an impressive (or embarrassing) amount of Nancy Grace during my college years, I always thought jury duty would be the ideal experience.

(Except me.)

So last Monday I drove to the courthouse bright and early, went through security, and was shuffled into the jury marshaling room with 74 of my fellow citizens, not one of whom looked happy to be spending their Monday morning in the basement of the courthouse in a state of indefinite limbo.

After we were given the rules and info on when we could expect our whopping nine dollar check in the mail, we watched a short movie about general courtroom information and the constitutional right to due process.  As the credits rolled, the man sitting on my right leaned over and said to me, "I mean, aren't they all guilty?  Would we even be here if they weren't?"

I guess he missed the segment on innocent until proven guilty, and also that there was a 50/50 shot we would be assigned to a civil case.

The man on my left decided to take that opportunity to lighten the mood and started telling jokes.  First up was, "So, someone asked Santa why he always lets Donner and Blitzen stop for coffee. And Santa said, 'Because they're my star bucks!"

I laughed politely and that apparently encouraged him to continue on with the coffee theme.  Next joke in the repertoire was "I stopped for breakfast on my way here this morning, and I told the waitress that my coffee tasted like dirt! She told me of course it does!  It was ground this morning!"

Can someone put this guy on trial for corny jokes?

Speaking of corn, at that moment, they turned on the Food Network and I was saved by The Pioneer Woman.  In no time flat I was making a mental grocery list including but not limited to butter, heavy cream, cocoa, and the ingredients for fried chicken.

Just as Ree began to make some sort of fruit parfait with homemade whipped cream, the woman in charge called us all to attention.  She told us that our services wouldn't be needed, because the defendant had entered a guilty plea.  But, she said, if the trial had gone forward, we would have been there for seven days to deliberate on murder charges.

It took everything in my not to say, "Well, it sounds like we dodged a bullet," because it seemed like an inappropriate time to make a pun and I didn't know my audience.

Although I bet the guy on my left would have laughed.


Faith said…
Yup, you're def. the only one I know that has ever looked forward to jury duty.

Haha! He def. would have laughed. I think this means that you won't be summoned for jury duty for another 7 years. That's what happened to me the first time, person pled and then they said you won't be summoned for another 7 years. Fine by me!
Michelle said…
Hahaha! Unfortunately, the man who thinks everyone on trial is guilty had his point proven.
Wow! You definitely dodged a bullet, and lol at the rough jokes. Hadn't heard the Star-bucks one yet :-P
Audrey Louise said…
I definitely would've laughed at your inappropriate pun :) I got summoned for jury duty for the first time ever back in February but I was scheduled to be on a business trip. My make-up dates are in August so I'm crossing my fingers I get a good case (if I'm assigned)!
Sarah DeWald said…
I love the jokes!
Okay this post made me crack up!! Thanks for that!!
Lol. Yes, you are definitely the only person I know who has actually wanted to go to jury duty. I've had it once, but fortunately I was never selected. I would have done anything to get out of it! Ha!
rooth said…
Way to do your civic duty - high fiving you from Texas! My boyfriend would totally be the "dad joke" guy. Sigh
Probably not the best time for that pun, but I definitely laughed when I read it! Fortunately I haven't been called for jury duty yet, but I can only hope that I don't get a weird guy sitting next to me telling cheesy jokes! Although watching The Pioneer Woman during the workday wouldn't be too bad!
Kelly said…
I love your blog - You always make me laugh!
I have gotten various jury duty summons but it's always been cancelled the night before so haven't ever had to go in. Sounds like I'm missing an opportunity for bad jokes! ;-)
Robin said…
How about a dirty joke?
A horse fell in a mud puddle.
Leslie said…
Oh my goodness...I think that if you had gotten stuck deliberating with that group it would have been no laughing matter!
Rebecca Jo said…
I would have laughed too ...
I keep getting jury duty notice... no one else does but me. I get them like every few months. WHAT THE HECK??? Luckily, I've never been called to serve on a trial. I need my town to step up & let someone else get summoned for this gig.
Rebecca Jo said…
PS - have you ever seen the Tina Fey 30 Rock where she dressed up like Princess Leia to get out of jury duty??? One of my favs!
Andresen Fam said…
ahahhahah! I actually got called for jury duty and had to bring my kids (also so I could hopefully get out of it) but they still kept me and luckily it was over quickly because he pleaded guilty!
I always hope for jury duty and twice I've been seated as one of the first 12 potential jurors, which I know means I'll get seated unless I'm struck for cause or an attorney uses their peremptory strike. And, both times I've been dismissed. I can't understand why they wouldn't want an attorney on the jury?!
LMAO... the jokes. Your joke.

I almost got put on a jury last year right after I got back from China... I was in voir dire for A WEEK. I finally had to beg to get off because the trial was going to be a month long... so we're talking 6 weeks off from work... and that wasn't going to work for me... but I TOTALLY WANTED TO DO IT!
Brianne said…
I got called for jury duty for the first time last year. I didn't get selected luckily because it was for a child molestation case. I would've laughed at your dodged a bullet pun lol but I also feel like I laugh at inappropriate things at inappropriate times.
You crack me up all the time. I was actually excited for jury duty, too! I didn't get chosen either. I kind of love those cheesy coffee jokes and may have to use them myself!
Nadine Lynn said…
Hahahahahahahaha dodged a bullet!!! Sooo I might be stealing the star bucks joke to tell my nephew later. Dont judge. I do love a corny joke.
Lexie said…
Oh my gosh! I've always wanted to go do jury duty too! I'm so excited at the prospect. Haven't been called yet though. My partner is in law school right now and he recently told me that once he's finished law school and we're married then I can't do jury duty!! So I told him I won't marry him until I get to be on a jury haha.
Love your posts. You're a breath of fresh air and a natural comedian!
I'm totally jealous because I've always wanted to be called for Jury Duty too! My sister got called up and got out of it and I was like "can you please send them a letter to tell them to pick me instead?!"

Too bad you didn't actually get to go through with it all! What a disappointment!
I have yet to get summoned for Jury Duty and I'm actually pretty bummed! I love Law & Order, Chicago PD, etc. and have always wanted to do Jury Duty lol Maybe next time!
You are definitely not alone! I had jury duty a few months ago and we there all week (just during the day) for an arson/assault charge. I really enjoyed the process!
I love jury duty!! People always think I'm nuts. BTW- I was laughing out loud reading your post and the people around me are looking at me funny.
I was called for jury duty during my university holidays and I was excited! I loved court room tv shows and books. Anyway I was picked but then the case was dropped or something and I remember being disappointed.