Tuesday, May 30, 2017

among other things, a fish story

I took the day off today and spent it doing all kinds of exciting things, like cleaning all the windows in the house and going to the dermatologist.

The dermatologist did my first ever skin cancer check, and half a second in, she pointed to a spot on my ear and said, "How long has this been here?"  I had no idea.  I'd never seen it before.  And then she pointed out a spot on my forehead and asked, "How about this one?  Do you remember when it appeared, or if it's gotten darker or changed in size?"  

I'm not going to downplay this charming personal quality, but I could practically have a part time job with the amount of time I spend looking at myself in a mirror.  From the time I was a little girl my parents have said, "Oh, she loves to look at herself" and my mom jokes that I've never met a reflective surface I didn't like.  And she's right.  I can't even remember the last time I walked by our microwave without looking at my reflection in the door.  Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" could be my theme song.

So, the fact that I could not identify the age or appearance of these marks made me wonder whose face I've been staring at in mirrors and microwaves and shiny car doors for the last two decades.

After that I went home to wait for Enterprise to come pick me up, because I was renting a car for a business trip this week.  Romeo arrived promptly at 3:45.  I rent cars all the time so I feel like the Enterprise people are old pals.  As we pulled away, Romeo looked at my leggings and my Nikes and said, "So, you going jogging later?"


I didn't have it in me to admit that I was wearing the outfit purely as athleisure apparel.  I want to simply LOOK like I am in pursuit of fitness, but really have zero intention of working out.

So in that respect, I guess, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I lied through my teeth and said, "I already went."

Romeo responded, "I'm a runner too.  How many miles did you do today?"

Houston, we have a problem.  That problem is that I have not run in my life, ever.

I didn't know what to say because I had no idea what an "average" run is.  Is it one mile?  Four miles?  Ten miles?

I paused for a moment and then decided to just come clean.  "Well, I didn't really...run, exactly.  I just...walked."

I appreciate Romeo for not laughing at me.  "Like, power walk?" he said.

No, Romeo.  Like, regular walk.  Around the block.

Then Romeo started asking me why I don't run.  I told him I don't like to run and he wanted to know what I don't like about it.

Finally I said, "It's too much effort.  And walking around the block is better than nothing."

By that time we were at Enterprise, and when I got inside, a young girl who looked about my sister's age started to help me.  She asked me for my driver's license and when I handed it over she practically passed out.  "Well, whoa," she remarked.  "You look REALLY young.  I mean, for your age and all.  I mean, you could practically pass for one of my friends."

And then I followed her out to the Chevy Impala not knowing if I should feel happy that I look young or depressed that I am now the age college students consider old.

She chatted away telling me how she's an intern and just started last week and then she popped the trunk of the car to show me where the spare tire is located.  The car was inconveniently backed halfway into a bush so I just nodded from afar and thanked her for the spare tire info.  And then she tried to close the trunk, and kept closing branches from the bush inside of it, chatting all the while about how my job sounds really cool and she'd love to go on business trips someday and did I ever drive an Impala before and who in the world would back a car halfway into a bush?!

I had to literally TURN AWAY so she wouldn't see me laughing as she got in the driver's seat and pulled the car forward several feet so that she could close the trunk without sending me off with half a rhododendron hanging out the back.

And in that moment, I thought that even though I might have more questionable age/sun spots on my face than I did 8 years ago, I don't miss being 20.

When Matt got home, he went out back to check on the chickens and the garden while I finished dinner.  He came back with a strange look on his face and said, "Things are fishy out there.  LITERALLY."

Do you know what was in our yard?  A GIANT FISH HEAD.

I don't even know what to say about that, except it was o-fish-ially the weirdest Tuesday every.


Melissa @ i carry your heart said...

Thank you for cracking me up tonight :) I can't even pick a favorite part of this post.

Kristin @ Going Country said...

Look out--the piscine mob is in your neighborhood. Next time you might find the fish head in your bed. (I hope you've seen "The Godfather," or that is going to make zero sense.)

julie @ a hopeful hood said...

HAHA omg all of this is comedic gold. The reflective surfaces thing (I do that too!!!!), the running/ok fine it was walking thing...all of it. Haha you are such a great writer!

Bailey Bryant said...

Whenever I need a good giggle I know I can count on your blog! Seriously hilarious.

Faith said...

My younger sister would always be caught staring at her reflection. It didn't matter where she was. My mom use to always say that she loved looking at herself, lol.

Haha, agreed ... running is way too much effort!

And that wall color with the yellow table ... perfection@

Lizzie Simantz said...

OMG laughing out loud at the convo between you and Romeo!! Haha I always get myself into situations like that I feel like, starting with a little fib then it just goes downhill LOL!

Michelle said...

I'm cracking up over your running conversation! Running is the worst and I'll never trust anyone who likes it. Ugh, skin cancer checks. I have one coming up at the end of June and I've been obsessively checking my zillions of moles and freckles trying to figure out which one will eventually kill me. Even though I keep an eye on them, I never know how long they've been there and if they've changed.

Adrienne at Bentley, Like the Car said...

The fish head!!!! I'm DYING! And I'm somewhat of a runner and still hate it.

Miranda @ My Restless Soul said...

I can relate to everything you just talked about in this story...minus the dead fish, ha ha. I got ID'd at the store the other day and the young girl (probably in college) who rang me up made a big deal about how she couldn't believe I was "that old." Dang, when did 27 become old?!

Sarah DeWald said...


That fish head is so funny.

And I'm with you on the running sister. I hate it no matter how many cute outfits I buy and tunes I download.

Brianne said...

You always crack me up!

Julie said...

Thanks for making me smile - and ick about that fish head!

Andrea Nine said...

I am on a walk right now, literally in hysterics and picturing if I were to turn this into a run, what would be my average?

Melissa said...

This post is literally everything haha a fish head? I would die!

Emily at 'a little bit of Emily' said...

Where in the world did that fish come from?! Haha, too funny! And I was laughing at the convo with the girl while trying to close the trunk. Not sure how you kept it together in person!

Lindsay at Lindsay'sSweetWorld said...

OMG I can't. This might be my one of my favorites of your posts ever! You totally need to do stand-up comedy and all of your material should just be about your life. It is seriously that funny.

P.S. I need to get my skin checked! It's been on my to do list for YEARS and I still have yet to schedule and appointment. Sigh.

Amie said...

Dermatologist is never fun! Where in the world would a fish head come from? So weird. You are hilarious!

Heather @ Heathers Hurrah said...

Hahah that is so random about the fish head!! And hilarious about your whole experience at the rental car place.

Audrey Louise said...

Your life should be filmed... What a strange, strange day! Haha!

Rebecca Jo said...

I'm at a loss... & I can never tell... do you know how the fish head got there?

I so laughed at the running conversation. Next time, just say a 5k. It's a good basic run for a runner ;) I feel like you need to get in a conversation just so you can say that now.

I havent been to the dermatologist in so long... it takes FOREVER for my visit because my body is basically ONE BIG MOLE. UGH.

Emily @ Martinis & Bikinis said...

Your conversation with Romeo is too funny! Thanks for reminding me I'm way overdue for a dermatologist check up. I hope you enjoyed your leisurely day off.

Kristy Sayer-Jones @ Southern In Law said...

I love that you're real about your love of the mirror, haha! I am a bit weird and avoid looking at myself unless I know I look alright? It's like I don't want to let my ego down or something, hahahaha.

I am with you on the age thing. I get similar comments all the time (though usually I get "you look like you're sixteen... not ALMOST TEN YEARS OLDER" - like.. do ya reaaaaaaaallly need to emphasize the ten?!) and I don't really know if I should be grateful or offended.

Um and whaaaaaaat?! Where did that fish come from!?

Laura Marie Keenan said...

Laughing so hard at the enterprise guy totally calling you out on running!

Kathy@MoreCoffeeLessTalky said...

the fish head made me laugh. How in the world did that get there?!

Marie said...

Cannot stop laughing about the fish head. Thanks for the laughs.

rooth said...

How does your husband say those things with a straight face?!