We returned home from vacation two Saturdays ago which meant that once last Monday morning rolled around, the train of Responsibility In The Form Of A Full Time Job And Night School was leaving the station and it was time for me to hop aboard.
I'm sorry to say that things on the R.I.T.F.O.A.F.T.J.A.N.S. train didn’t get off on the right foot (or track, if you will) because I had class the very next night and it was there that I found myself in a situation I hoped to never be in. To get the full story let me back it up like a Tonka truck (name that song) all the way back to college. Oh, college. How I miss you dearly and on a very regular basis.
One thing that annoyed me in college was when a fellow student would show up to class without a writing utensil of any kind. As someone who maintained a sizable inventory of pens, pencils, and highlighters in my bag AT ALL TIMES, I could not understand students who would arrive to class and not bring ONE SINGLE INSTRUMENT WITH WHICH TO WRITE.
So the other night, after a harsh re-acquaintance with the world of rush hour traffic, I arrived at school. I proceeded to go through a quick mental checklist before I went to my classroom for my Estates and Trusts class, which can only be described as DRY. DRIER THAN THE SAHARA DESSERT. Unless of course, you’re talking about excluding a close family member from your will, in which case, DRAMA.
I gathered my things, “textbook…check; notebook…check; pen………………”
I didn’t have a pen.
Oh, the judgmental, collegiate tables. How they had turned.
I walked to class with my head down and shamefully asked a peer if I could borrow a pen. Since I neglected to bring one.
Turns out I had class the next night also, and guess what I didn’t bring? A pen. Since asking for a pen TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW at SCHOOL was something I was not willing to do, I drove on over to CVS where I stood in front of one of the largest pen displays I had ever laid eyes on. I came very close to purchasing the new Sharpie pen, because if I had a dollar for every good thing I have heard about it, I could actually afford to buy one. In the end I decided couldn’t justify spending five dolla dolla bills on something that would likely be misplaced within 24 hours, so I went with the Papermate Profile. I felt it was the right decision because they were buy one, get one free, plus it’s THE WORLD’S SMOOTHEST PEN. And I’m a sucker for a superlative.
And now I am very curious about how that determination was made. Is there cold, hard proof somewhere? A spreadsheet of raw data I could perhaps look at? Also, who tested every single pen in the WORLD? And how do I get a job doing that? I am confident that I could find make a wildly successful career of testing several products I enjoy and then making sweeping generalizations about them.
This is THE WORLD’S SHINIEST LIPGLOSS.
I am eating THE WORLD’S BEST ICE CREAM.
Sign. Me. Up.
My 4 pack of pens and I made it to the classroom just in time. I ripped open that bag o’ pens and got ready to take some serious notes. Please know that the next sentence is written without one ounce of sarcasm whatsoever.
I have never written with a pen that smooth.
Seriously. I could hardly control my writing. My normally neat, boxy, controlled writing was suddenly flowing wildly onto the page. The profile has a mind of its own and just glided across that page like an Olympic figure skater on a rink of ice. It was unbelievable. I can officially attest to the fact that the Papermate Profile is indeed the WORLD’S SMOOTHEST PEN.
And now I think I should probably build up the superlatives section of my resume so that I can find a job sampling chocolate/nail polish/coffeemate flavors PRONTO. I don’t have a second to lose, so tonight I’m going to start a hunt for the WORLD’S BEST POTATO CHIP. It's for the people, really. I’m just happy to help.