Friday, July 22, 2016

it's basically a giant pot luck. you don't know what you're gonna get.

For many months, lo, even years, Matt took an egg salad sandwich to work for lunch.  On Sunday evenings I would hard boil a bunch of eggs and make a batch of egg salad with the perfect ratio of four spoonfuls of mayo, three squeezes of dijon mustard, and two twists of pepper.

And ten shakes of salt because we laugh in the face of sodium around here.

Then we got chickens in May, and Matt's campaign to eat a lot of eggs ceased.  He promptly started taking turkey sandwiches for lunch.

The only problem with this new meal plan is that it requires that I spend six to forty nine minutes of my life at the deli counter every Saturday.

There is a long history of hard feelings between me and the deli counter.

It all started when I was a little girl.  Our grocery store was around the corner from a big US navy base, and there were always men in uniform at the deli counter.  As I child I was capital T terrified of anyone in uniform, and I remember crying real tears when I would see servicemen ordering their lunch meat.

I've since grown to appreciate men in uniform, and have accepted the deli as a necessary evil in my life.

But I do think I've found the one thing Meatloaf wouldn't do for love.  And that is stand at the deli counter on a busy Saturday afternoon when you're number 68 and they're only on 46, and a handful of customers between 47 and 67 have the audacity to request samples of every single prepared salad in the deli case.

I always laugh at our deli counter because no matter how loudly you speak, the worker always, always, ALWAYS double checks the amount you ordered mid-slice, and they are always, always, ALWAYS wrong.

"I'll have three quarters of a pound of honey maple turkey, please."

"No problem.  Was that half a pound of the smoked ham?"

"No, three quarters, honey maple turkey.  And then I'll take a pound of Boar's Head swiss cheese."

"Absolutely.  You said a quarter pound of American?"

They ask so many clarifying questions that eventually I confuse myself.  Two weeks ago I ordered a pound of pepper turkey and instead came home with half a pound of honey ham.

Last week Emily had the great honor of accompanying me on my weekly shopping trip.  When we got to the deli, I told her to prepare herself, and then proclaimed in a dramatic fashion that the deli is where my soul goes to die, which she thought was hilarious.

I don't think she fully believed the stories I told, so I bet her that the deli worker would clarify my order, and that they'd be wrong.

"Hi, I'll have a pound of the teriyaki chicken, please."

Three minutes later.

"M'am, was that half a pound for the roast beef?"

I will say that I've found solidarity among my fellow deli customers, and we have had many conversations about just making peanut butter and jelly for lunch that week.

As soon as our chickens start laying eggs, it's back to egg salad for lunch.

And in the meantime, I'm just going to hope Meatloaf shows up at our deli counter one of these Saturdays.





9 comments:

Emily at 'a little bit of Emily' said...

Oh I totally feel you on the deli counter!! It's bad in Sunday's too!

Rachel said...

I brought an egg salad sandwich for lunch to college every school day for a year! And then I got bored of them, and brought a turkey sandwich to lunch everyday school day for a year. Who would have thought I'd have this much in common with Matt???!!!
Granted, after that, I was tired of sandwiches at all, and never packed a lunch again. Angel only eats two meals a day and under his influence I've largely adopted that system as well, though I have to snack, too.

Mattie @ Northwest Native said...

I have literally never been to a deli counter where you had to take a number. This is fascinating. But it's an experience I'm glad I've never had.

Corie M said...

What store are you shopping at girl?! LOL I've never had a problem with the deli counter... other than ordering the wrong amount.

Lux G. said...

That's one experience worth blogging. It happens.

Faith said...

I'm with you! I'm never more frustrated than when I'm standing in the deli counter. When Sean said that he was good with not having deli meats anymore I celebrated inside. And they always, always repeat the wrong things. I wonder if it is done on purpose.

Lindsay at Lindsay'sSweetWorld said...

Hahahaha what a nightmare! Y'all need a Publix... you can order your deli meats and cheeses online, tell them what day/time you want to pick them up, and then they are waiting for you on the shelf in a refrigerator when you get there. It literally takes me one second to pick it up and move on. And then I scoff at the people waiting in line as I walk by. ;o)

Carly Blogs Here said...

Oh my gosh, this sounds like our deli counter experiences too. Sometimes I beg my husband to just get the prepackaged lunch meat because it's too much to lose so many minutes of your life waiting (because the people always seem to move insanely slow), and once they finally get to the person in front of you that person needs about 12 different things!

Michelle said...

This is hysterical AND BOY DO I RELATE. I'm going to confess something. I have always been TERRIFIED of the deli counter. I have no idea why. Probably because it involved talked to people and asking questions, so I always bought the prepackaged lunch meat. I finally decided it's time to start acting my age, so about 6 months ago I started going to the deli counter. I always seem to be at the end of a large rush, AND THEY NEVER GET THE ORDER RIGHT. The mid-slice qualifying questions are so, so real. There's one guy who always gives Gracie a free slice of cheese, and that's my saving grace.