Tuesday, December 6, 2011

the joke at the beginning has nothing to do with the rest of the post

So, do you know what the fish said when he swam into the concrete wall?

Dam.
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This past weekend started off on a great note because on Friday Matt and I went out to dinner at Applebee's.  Actually, first we went to Kohl's because Matt wanted to pick up some more new threads for work.  I usually see Matt in jeans and some sort of dark, solid color shirt, and I just assumed that he would dress in a similar style for work.  You know, a white shirt, black dress pants, plain tie.

Well.

HOW WRONG I WAS. 

It turns out that when it comes to dress clothes, Matt is quite the snappy dresser.  He was picking out bright ties and striped shirts and fancy socks, although he did draw the line at a pair of multicolored suspenders that I suggested.

He may live to regret that decision because just yesterday I read that 2012 is going to be the year of the suspender.  

Stock up, everyone.

On Saturday Michelle and I drove out to see our new apartment.  We were meeting at 2:30 but I went a little bit early so I could drive to the nearest Target and then time how long it would take me to get from there to the apartment.  I think everyone knows that when choosing a residence, proximity to Target is of utmost importance.  Well, I'm happy to report that it will be four minutes, door to door.

My research also led to the discovery that the Target is located in THE SHOPPING CENTER OF MY DREAMS.  Not only is there a Target, but the shopping center is also home to AC Moore, Barnes and Noble, Ross (dress for less!), Old Navy, Gap, the food store, Famous Footwear, and the Guitar Center.  I don't even play the guitar, but I might start because I will be living FOUR MINUTES from the Guitar Center and it seems ashame to waste that sort of convenience.

On Sunday I went to church and then made a stop at WalMart for a Christmas tree.  I found a 4 foot tree for $30, and a 6.5 foot one for $34.99.  And as they say, go big or go home.

I went big.

And then I went to the checkout line in the Christmas section of Wal Mart, where I ALMOST LOST EVERY LAST OUNCE OF MY CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.  

Our Wal Mart has a separate Christmas department with two checkouts meant specifically for customers puchasing holiday items.  I am a big fan of this rule, and I'm almost ashamed to admit how annoyed I become when people violate it.  On Sunday there only happened to be one Christmas line open, so, you can imagine I DID NOT FEEL VERY CHRISTMASY when my six and a half foot pine tree and I found ourselves in line behind a man buying one package of Capri Sun juice boxes and 28 cans of Alpo dog food.  NARY A YULETIDE ITEM IN SIGHT.  And yes, twenty. eight. cans.  Twenty seven were steak and one can was lamb.

His canine compadre must be very sophisticated.

The cashier scanned the juice boxes and then started on the Alpo.  And neveryoumind the fact that there were TWENTY SEVEN OF THE EXACT SAME ITEM, she canned every. single. blessed. one.  

I stood there in line and had quite the internal dialogue.  It went a little something like this.  "I cannot believe she is going to scan all 28 cans individually.  And if this guy had the NERVE to be a Christmas checkout interloper, he could have at least grabbed a box of candy canes or something.  This is taking forever.  Okay, GET A GRIP HERE Laura.  Keep some perspective.  It's only five minutes of your life and YOU JUST LEFT CHURCH FOR GOODNESS SAKE.  And it's Christmastime.  FA. LA. LA. LA. LA."

Finally, and I DO MEAN FINALLY, the cashier was down to the last three cans.

Can three.
"Beep."

Can two.
"Beep."

Can one!!
"BEEEEEEEP."  Item not found.  IT WAS THE LAMB.

It was right then and there that I knew my head was going to explode.  I wasn't even going to be able to enjoy my brand new six and a half foot Christmas tree or learn to play the guitar at my neighborhood Guitar Center, and I think we can all agree that would be nothing short of tragic.

After several phone calls to the customer service desk and a visit from an assistant manager, the Lamb Alpo Debacle was settled.  I quickly paid for my tree, and went on my merry way without my head exploding.

Talk about a Christmas miracle.

7 comments:

Morgan said...

That's good news about the suspenders cause my grandpa has been wearing them for years. He;'ll be so glad to know that they are going to be in style soon. =)

And ugh... To that guy in the Christmas line? I would have had a hard time with that too - I am sooo impatient. Come on dude! Just put the lamb down and get out!

Anonymous said...

Did you know there is a secret driveway to get into the back side of the Walmart parking lot?

Kristen said...

You are too funny! I have enjoyed reading your blog! I was linked over from Dandelions and Daffodils. Have a great day! AND - PS - I was in Wal-Mart this morning here in my hometown and the same thing happened. Must be the Wal-Mart way. I also rate where I live on how far it is from a Target!

Kodie said...

I HATE Walmart. And I know everyone says hate is a strong word, but I don't think it's a strong enough word for how much I dislike that store. Target is where it's at (too bad my target doesn't carry quite EVERYTHING I need so I have to go to Walmart once a month...if that).

I always love when people get in the 15 items or less lane with 15 of ONE item and plus other junk and think it's an exception. I got behind a lady with AT LEAST 40 jars of baby food and then some. UMM those 40 jars don't just count as 1 thing because it's the same item.

UGH I'm glad someone else shares my frustrations.

Amanda said...

You make me laugh. That is all.

Meredith said...

Ugh, I hate waiting behind slow people! But yay for getting a tree! And I didn't know 2012 was going to be the year of the suspender, but I'll keep that in mind. :)

Baby Sister said...

Oh you make me laugh. I have a feeling we would be good shopping buddies. That internal dialogue sounds very familiar. :) Sounds like my Wally World and your Wally World need to be friends. The Christmas lane idea is great!! We'll just have to find some way to enforce it. Do you know anyone with guns? :)